For me that was this morning. I had just finished cleaning house. My hair was pulled back, I was wearing shorts and a sports bra and I stopped to look at my reflection in the mirror.
I broke out in tears.
Not only am I too broke to have my deflated breast implant fixed, I can't even afford to spend money on a chicken cutlet. It looks like I've had a unilateral mastectomy. I can only imagine what women who HAVE had that surgery must feel like.
Then there's the fact that I have been living with a tumor for nine years. It's grown well past the point I said I would let it get to before agreeing to have surgery.
So, feeling the weight of my troubles, I sat down and just let the crying come. I let 'er rip. When that was over, after I felt the feels I needed to, I got up, wiped my face and decided right then and there that I would no longer tolerate living this way.
I have known for a while now that exposing this less-than-fab side of my life would open up the conversation about courage and confidence that we need to have.
I was still holding on to the belief that, to get your respect and trust, I could only show you my pretty and successful side (and dammit, that's all I wanted you to see). I hoped you would see me as a badass and know that I could help you be a badass, too.
I've since realized coming all the way clean was the best possible thing I could do for myself and for those who follow me and seek my support and guidance. So here I am, revealing to you the less-than-perfect, the struggle, the stripped down side of myself. I see now that my job is to be boldly transparent, unabashedly truthful, and trust myself (and the Universe) - no matter what.
I am supposed to show up courageously and confidently - not only when my hair and makeup are on point, but when I'm feeling flawed. Especially then!
I am supposed to tell my story. I've struggled. I've surrendered. I've succeeded. Over and over again.
Now is no different than when I decided to stop tolerating the other sucky situations in my life. Like when I worked as a call girl or when I was in a sexless relationship.
Apparently, phase one of my job was to learn how to overcome significant life challenges. Phase two is about sharing 'how I do it' with other people who are struggling.
The thing I am really great at is getting to the absolute source of the struggle and uncovering the information that leads to healing - at a soul level - and transforms the situation in a way that makes people stronger and more confident.
I've had the privilege (yes, I mean that) of doing this twice before in my life. So now my level of confidence in the face of THIS challenge is off the mother fucking charts.
The flaws I saw in the mirror today I am genuinely grateful for. I can say, "FUCK YEAH!" about them - for real! They are what allow me to know what courage feels like. They have taught me what real confidence is. I am a badass because of these flaws and because of my struggles. (and so are YOU, my dear)
My best girlfriend, Allison, says my superpower is CONFIDENCE. I see clearly that all of my challenges, including the ones I face now, are why I can expose myself without fear or embarrassment.
I know I am here to help other women feel and be this way, too.
If you're at your end point and ready to have kick-ass confidence...let's talk.