Couples: If You're Fighting More Than You're Fucking - Here's Why (and How to Change That)

Now don't get all huffy because I said "fucking". I needed to grab your attention because you know as well as I do that the persistent arguing with your man has got to stop.

Whatever you're fighting about, it's keeping you awake at night, making you forget stuff at work... and guess what? The kids, if they're younger, are fussy and acting up or if they're older, are hiding out in their room or staying away from home - to avoid the chaos of mom and dad.

And the biggest problem: you think it's them.

You blame and resent your husband for not hearing you or understanding what you need. You wish he'd chill with the question "what's the matter, are you not attracted to me anymore?" And pray that he'll step up and be the father and partner to you you know he's capable of being. But instead of lovingly asking for (and getting) the help you need, you're shut down emotionally and end up doing it all yourself. You work your ass off trying to keep it all together and you are fucking exhausted. So SEX??  Ha! Ya right...

Add to that your stress and anxiety about the kid's A.D.D. or depression or eating disorder. When in reality, these issues are a reflection of what you're feeling - overwhelmed, helpless, and out of control.

If you feel like I just took a sharp hot poker and shoved in your gut... you're probably also feeling enormous amounts of guilt right now. That's good.

I want you to feel the pain you've been avoiding or numbing out or tolerating. You have to FEEL IT TO HEAL IT. You cannot avoid it and expect it to go away on it's own. And trust me when I say, no amount of wine or shopping or pain killers will do the trick. I tried that.

If you want to see calm, loving, and satisfying behaviors from the people you love then you must become calm, loving and satisfied. That, my dear, is the path to a happy healthy marriage, family, and life. So how do you become calm, loving, and satisfied?

Get out of your head and into your heart.

There are numerous methods to support that practice: yoga, meditation, and deep breathing, etc. All of which I highly recommend but for my practical-minded tribe of type-A women, here's a strategy you can implement today that has proven effective with my private clients.

This strategy is focused on communication. Your communication can be either ego-based or love-based. Ego-based communication is full of judgment, expectation, and really only allows for a narrow perspective. Often times 'control' and the 'fight to be right' come from this place. By contrast, heart-based communication is loving and cooperative. You're able to be present and see other points of view. And really, you're communicating in an effort to understand and connect.

The problem is most career women have come to rely on their intellect to achieve success. In other words, they hang out in their heads where ego resides. Which is useful at the office, and a detriment at home. (see my video for how to get out of work mode) Thus, when you attempt to communicate with your intimate partner, there's an unconscious drive to be right. This is where the equally unconscious need to control comes from - and that behavior is a pain in everyone's ass. When you act this way with your husband, it implies he's not 'good enough' or capable of doing it 'right' which leaves him feeling rejected and kind of worthless.

When a man feels useless, his identity is challenged and he does one of two things. He either retreats or he fights back. 

Has your husband stopped trying, as in he's checked out? Or are you two fighting over every little thing, where it feels like you are nowhere near on the same page anymore?

Sorry sis, but part of that is your ego's 'need to control and be right' at play.

Here's the thing, you are not alone. And it is not your fault. You either haven't learned high-level communication skills or you're having trouble putting them into action because you haven't healed the guilt and dealt with the resentment. (I have a specialized system for that, btw)

Let's see where you're at right now.

Are you resisting - fighting to be right? (which could sound like talking shit about me in your head) Or are you open and receptive to what I'm sharing and generous with your listening?

To make any kind of change whatsoever, you have to be willing and open minded to the possibility that your point of view could be "wrong". Listen up, that does not make YOU wrong.

Your ego, btw, will fight tooth and nail to avoid being wrong. But you are not your ego. It is a part of you, designed to keep you 'safe'. It's always in fear and seeks only to avoid pain. That's its job. 

Your heart is where Spirit resides. This is the part of you that is truth and love.

I bet the truth is you love your husband and deeply desire the kind of connection you once felt. I'm guessing you want to be free of the stupid fights and actually enjoy some sexy time. My gut tells me if you could wave a magic wand and be calm, loving and satisfied, you'd do it in a heartbeat. 

If that's you, do this exercise...right now.

Take a deep breath. Deeply inhale through your nose until your whole torso fills with oxygen. And then open your mouth and exhale with a big 'ahhhhhh'. Now let your awareness drop into your heart. You can rest your hands there if you like.

Keep breathing deeply. In through your nose, out through your mouth. The audible exhale is a signal to your brain to RELAX.

Now look, feel or listen for the truth that resides in your heart. What is the love and commitment you want to honor?

Once you have that, imagine the possibility of being calm, loving, and satisfied and able to say what's in your heart - from this new state of being. You can speak your truth, you can trust it, and you can openly express it to your husband. You're free from hesitation, from fear and guilt, you're no longer resentful, and you're even receptive to his response. No more are you shutting down. Even better, no longer are you fighting to be right.

From this heart-based communication strategy you and he are getting back on the same page, the family is working together as a team, and you're building the life you knew was possible all along.

You have the power to get out of your head and get into your heart. Honor what you are committed to. Express your truth and allow him to as well. If you can do this one thing today - do it! It will make a huge difference. I promise.

#FewerFightsMoreMakeOuts

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With Honor and Love, Colette

P.S. If this is something you want to go deeper into and have the highest level of support in, LET'S TALK. Let's get you free of guilt and resentment so you can create what you deeply desire. If you want my support, it starts with a loving no-bullshit conversation.

 

 

The Secret to Staying Intimately Connected While Running a Company

Here's what every career woman needs to know: Marriage will not thrive without sex and intimacy.

Sex and intimacy are what differentiate a marriage from a friendship or other kind of partnership. If you're married and not cultivating this aspect of the relationship, you can expect it to break down eventually. I've seen this happen so many times with clients and I have personally experienced it my own relationship.

Before I go any further, let me add, this is not unique to women. I could just as easily write a similar article for men. In this case, I am talking directly to my fellow boss ladies and what I'm talking about is the burden of guilt.

Picture this.

You cannot be effective at what you do if you're weighed down by guilt. If your sex drive is shot and you haven't been intimate in months, you probably feel bad about it. Guilt is a heavy burden and is often felt in your gut. It creates low self esteem, digestive issues, and even poor posture.

A woman who is feeling guilty thinks something's wrong with her and that she doesn't deserve love and happiness. On a deeper level, she believes she deserves punishment. I consider that a "hidden issue" that must be addressed to lose the weight of guilt.

Additionally, if you're frustrated and resentful because you're "mothering" your husband at home there's no way you're generating the kind of results, like profit in your business, you could be. What you need is for your man to show up as YOUR MAN.

But guess what? He's not because you've trained him not to. Your struggle to get out of work-mode when you get home has you (micro?)managing him. This works against you because it creates a pattern of behavior that has you feeling like you have to do everything while he feels incapable of doing things right, where you're concerned.

Finally, if you're to the point where you're questioning whether you should stay in your marriage or get out of it, I know you're emotionally exhausted. That level of uncertainty for women like us is the ultimate life-force energy drain and productivity killer. I know.

All of these issues you, yourself, have the power to transform. That doesn't mean your husband is not involved. But I think you know the first thing there is to do is be honest about your role in the current circumstances. Once you claim your part and decide it's time to do something about it, you'll automatically have the bandwidth (previously taken up by blame) to get intimately reconnected.

Now do this.

Women are leading the charge for the much needed change in the world. That is undeniable. As such, we must show up more powerful than we ever have. We cannot tolerate less-than-optimal health, relationships, or financial resources. If we are burdened by one (or more!) of these, it's time to face the hidden issues and the stuff we're avoiding, so we can get over it and get on with it. We. Got. Shit. To. Do.

Since I'm an expert in the area of relationships, I'm going to offer three specific suggestions for turning a barely tolerable one into a kick-ass one... that includes satisfying sex and real intimacy. 

First, and this is non-negotiable, you must get clear about what you truly desire - in your marriage, from your man, for your family, and most importantly for yourself. Stuck here? Let me help. Use my FREE DESIRE WORKSHEET to help you connect to your deepest desire.

When we don't know what we want we can't ask for it. When we aren't asking for it - in a clear, direct and specific way, our men cannot effectively respond. So what ends up happening is we ask...again and again and again. Until we give up and do it ourselves, inadvertently creating the pattern of behavior I mentioned earlier.

Next, know thyself. You have dominant qualities, your gifts, and dormant ones that are simply waiting to be developed so you can be fully expressed and live an extraordinary life. I like to teach this using a system I call The 4 Goddesses. In short, you are either a Lover, Warrior, Mystic, or Queen.

Knowing which of these is your Guiding Goddess is helpful in identifying your gifts so you can leverage them. Using this system, you will also see what qualities are dormant and how you can wake them up and put them to work for you. Without this insight, you might be predisposed to self-judgement and comparison  - or beating yourself up for not being some "other way". And that's just not productive.

There's one more benefit to learning The 4 Goddesses system; it works the same for the guys. So you'll also be able to 'see inside' his head. Is your man a Lover, Warrior, Magician, or King? And what would BOTH of you knowing about these drivers do for your ability to communicate and relate to one another?

The last thing I want to impress upon you here is the importance of communication. The number one complaint I hear from struggling couples is the breakdown in communication. What they actually say is, "Colette, our communication sucks!" To which I respond, "Are you in your head or in your heart?"

Here's what I mean by that. Communication that comes from the head tends to be full of judgement and expectation. Whereas, communication that is heart-based can really only be loving. From a practical standpoint, think of it as the difference between "telling" and "sharing". Or as my mom would say, "You'll attract more flies with honey than you will vinegar."

Let me be clear, I am not suggesting a fake sugar-coated interpretation of what you want to communicate. You can be direct AND loving at the same time. Most of us have never been trained in highly-effective communication and when there are emotions involved, it can be nearly impossible to keep your cool and reach a mutually satisfying conclusion. Sound familiar? I get it. And I have two tools ready to help you be successful in your communication.

Want more?

If you've read this far it's likely I've struck a chord with you and you're ready for a solution you can trust to work for you. It's my intention to provide the highest level of support for you in my articles, in my free trainings, and in my paid programs.

The truth is, the secret to staying intimately connected whether you're running a company, raising kids, all of that OR none of that is to know, trust, and express yourself skillfully. Together, we can dive more deeply into it so you can have the kind of marriage and family you know are possible.

You ready? Register for my free online training, "How NOT to Lose Your Husband" where I expand on the secrets in this article with examples you can relate to and tools you can put to work for you immediately. Or, if you would prefer not to wait another minute, let's talk privately. (Click to apply)

Click the image to register for the FREE online training.

Click the image to register for the FREE online training.

The 4 Goddesses

Which are one you?

We all have a guiding light or temperament that determines how we think, feel, and interact with the world. From archetypal psychology, this temperament is broken down into 4 types.

Lover - Charming, Sensual, Social, Adventurous

Warrior - Organized, Decisive, Ambitious, Competitive

Mystic - Perceptive, Imaginative, Spiritual, Untraditional

Queen - Caring, Generous, Devoted, Principled

Our Guiding Goddess can shift from one to another based on stage of life, circumstance, or time of the month. In other words, we have within us ALL 4 Goddess strengths (and consequently, weaknesses).

For instance, I spent the vast majority of my life exploring and expressing the qualities of the Lover. She is my primary or Guiding Goddess. It wasn't until I turned 40 that I began to embrace the powers of the Warrior. In my youth I relied on the gifts of presence, playfulness, sensuality, and curiosity to yield a livelihood. And while these gift still serve me immensely, I must now call on the strengths of responsibility, organization, ambition, and action to manifest my global vision. I am calling forth the Warrior Goddess.

Side note: As the Lover, it's no coincidence that my company's vision includes elevating intimate connection among couples.

Why am I now calling on the guiding light of the Warrior? Over the last 20 years I've observed smart, driven women doing what it takes to be successful in business. I've also noticed what gets left out of the modern woman's agenda, which is time and space for herself, inclusive of her sexual self-expression. The balance between doing (awesome work) and being (centered and sexually self-expressed) is such a powerful practice.  

The vision I hold of a global community of women executives and entrepreneurs who are tuned-in and turned-on, activating their hearts’ desires and manifesting lives they LOVE is why I must allow the gifts of the Warrior Goddess to come alive within me.

Warrior women have become very adept at exercising the power to take action, achieve, and accomplish what is necessary to stay on top, even in a "man's world". But when we sacrifice our most valuable resource - feminine desire - and deny ourselves true satisfaction, are we really winning?

Take for example, the Queen. Also known as the Matriarch, she is found at the head of institutions and/or a household or BOTH. She gives and gives tirelessly and puts herself and her needs last. She deeply values the authority she has to get shit done. The balance then, for this Goddess, would be allowing someone to care for her. Starting with self-care. Being still, being pleasured, being in the moment may be just what she needs to counteract all the doing she does.

The Mystic Goddess, on the other hand, is blessed with the gift of inherent balance.  She has the ability to see a bigger vision, to think clearly, and access possibilities. A woman who has matured by the guidance of the Mystic Goddess may be teaching, guiding, or healing others.

My journey as a woman has shown me that we must embody the gifts of the 4 Goddesses and allow each to emerge at various times.  (That's the awareness I received while guided by the Mystic, as you might imagine.)

Grant yourself permission to honor all the Goddesses within you. Know that one is your primary guide, she sets the underlying tone for your life experience, and the others are there to support your fullest self-expression as a woman. 

Play with this. Transform into the Lover when you feel called to connect intimately or experience your sensual self.

Wear the crown of the Queen when in your leadership role, accessing her gifts of devotion and authority.

Let the Warrior help power you through your challenging work out or conquer a competitive account at work or start a company from nothing and build it to a multi-million dollar powerhouse.

And be open to the insight and compassion of the Mystic Goddess who is always there to center you and support your personal spiritual evolution.

For more in-depth exploration of The 4 Goddesses, how to leverage your unique gifts, and understand YOUR MAN'S inner guide apply for a private call with Colette. One thing's for sure, you will get the insight you need to understand what's happening within yourself that's impacting your marriage.

The Literal Power of Your Emotions

Originally published on HappyVibes.net

From Power Vs. Force, by Dr. David Hawkins. Thanks to Kelly/Firewalker.

Dr. David R. Hawkins, MD, PhD developed a “map” of the levels of human consciousness (also called the Scale of Consciousness) that uses a muscle-testing technique called Applied Kinesiology to document the nonlinear, spiritual realm. The research was scientifically validated and published in Dr. Hawkins’ doctoral dissertation titled Qualitative and Quantitative Analysis and Calibrations of the Level of Human Consciousness, an elaborate discussion of the Scale of Consciousness and its significance as outlined in his groundbreaking book, Power vs. Force: The Anatomy of Consciousness (Veritas Publishing, 1995). 

Each level of consciousness coincides with determinable human behaviors and perceptions about life and God. Each level represents a corresponding attractor field of varying strength that exists beyond our three-dimensional reality. There’s a critical point within each level from which its field gravitates (or entrains). 

The numbers on the scale represent logarithmic calibrations (measurable vibratory frequencies on a scale which increases to the tenth power) of the levels of human consciousness and its corresponding level of reality. The numbers themselves are arbitrary; the significance lies in the relationship of one number (or level) to another.

Overview
Dr. Hawkins points out that the two greatest spiritual growth barriers seem to be at level 200 and 500. Two hundred, the level of courage, represents a profound shift from destructive and harmful behavior to life-promoting and integrous lifestyles; everything below 200 makes one go weak using kinesiology. Currently, approximately 78% of the world’s population is below this significant level. The destructive capacity of this majority drags down all of mankind without the counterbalancing effect of the 22% above 200. Because the scale of consciousness is logarithmic, each incremental point represents a giant leap in power. As such, one person calibrated at 600 counterbalances the negativity of 10 million people below 200. 

The second great barrier is level 500, or Love. Love in this context is a way of being in the world. According to Dr. Hawkins, the reason the level of love is so difficult to achieve is because our ego is so rooted in the physical domain as opposed to the spiritual domain, which emerges at 500. 

The 500s represent a very difficult hurdle, as only four percent of the world’s population calibrates in the 500s. This level denotes a shift from the linear, provable domain (classic physics or Newtonian physics) to the nonlinear, formless, spiritual realm. 

The 400s represent the level of reason, guided by the linear, mechanistic world of form. Interestingly, the top echelon of intellectual genius, including Einstein, Freud, Newton, Aristotle, etc., all calibrated around 499. (note from Martha: My energy system puts Aristotle in Love and Einstein in Joy.)

A person’s level of consciousness remains rather steady through the lifetime. Emotions come and go like the passing wind, but a person’s calibratable level is governed by specific energy fields in the nonlinear domain which generally doesn’t waver. Over the course of a lifetime, the average person’s level will change approximately five points (this is not a statistical derivation, but an average discovered through Dr. Hawkins’ kinesiologic research). However, it is possible for an individual (such as a spiritual aspirant) to have his or her level of consciousness jump (or drop) hundreds of points in a single lifetime. 

The Levels Described:

Enlightenment 700-1000
This is the highest level of human consciousness where one has become like God. Many see this as Christ, Buddha, or Krishna. These are those who have influenced all of mankind.

Peace 600-700
Peace is achieved after a life of complete surrender to the Creator. It is where you have transcended all and have entered that place that Hawkins calls illumination. Here, a stillness and silence of mind is achieved, allowing for constant revelation. Only 1 in 10 million (that’s .00001 percent) people will arrive at this level.

Joy 540-600
This is the level of saints and advanced spiritual people. As love becomes more unconditional, there follows a constant accompaniment of true happiness. No personal tragedy or world event could ever shake someone living at this level of consciousness. They seem to inspire and lift all those who come in contact with them. Your life is now in complete harmony with the will of Divinity and the fruits of that harmony are expressed in your joy.

Love 500-540
Only if, in the level of Reason, you start to see yourself as a potential for the greater good of mankind, will you have enough power to enter here. Here is where you start applying what was learned in your reasoning and you let the heart take over rather than the mind - you live by intuition. This is the level of charity - a selfless love that has no desire except for the welfare of those around them. Ghandi and Mother Theresa are examples of people who were living at this level. Only 0.4 percent of the world will ever reach it. 

Reason 400-500
The level of science, medicine, and a desire for knowledge. Your thirst for knowledge becomes insatiable. You don’t waste time in activities that do not provide educational value. You begin to categorize all of life and its experiences into proofs, postulates, and theories. The failure of this level is you cannot seem to separate the subjective from the objective, and because of that, you tend to miss the point. You fail to see the forest because you’re tunnel-visioned on the trees. Paradoxically, Reason can become a stumbling block for further progressions of consciousness.

Acceptance 350-400
If Courage is the realization that you are the source of your life’s experiences, then it is here where you become the creator of them. Combined with the skills learned in the Willingness phase, you begin to awaken your potential through action. Here’s where you begin to set and achieve goals and to actively push yourself beyond your previous limitations. Up to this point you’ve been generally reactive to what life throws at you. Here’s where you turn that around, take control, and become proactive.

Willingness 310-350
Those people around you that are perpetual optimists - this is their level of consciousness. Seeing life as one big possibility is the cornerstone of those operating here. No longer are you satisfied with complacency - you strive to do your best at whatever task you’ve undertaken. You begin to develop self-discipline and willpower and learn the importance of sticking to a task till the end.

Neutrality 250-310
Neutrality is the level of flexibility. To be neutral, you are, for the most part, unattached to outcomes. At this level, you are satisfied with your current life situation and tend not to have a lot of motivation towards self improvement or excellence in your career. You realize the possibilities but don’t make the sacrifices required to reach a higher level.

Courage 200-250
This is the level of empowerment. It is the first level where you are not taking life energy from those around you. Courage is where you see that you don’t need to be tossed to and fro by your external conditions. This empowerment leads you to the realization that you are a steward unto yourself, and that you alone are in charge of your own growth and success. This is what makes you inherently human: the realization that there is a gap between stimulus and response and that you have the potential to choose how to respond.

Pride 175-200
According to Hawkins, since the majority of people are below this point, this is the level that most people aspire to. It makes up a good deal of Hollywood. In comparison to Shame and Guilt, one begins to feel positive here. However, it’s a false positive. It’s dependent upon external conditions such as wealth, position or power. It is also the source of racism, nationalism, and religious fanaticism.

Anger 150-175
As one moves out of Apathy to Grief and then out of Fear, they begin to want. Desire which is not fulfilled leads to frustration which brings us to Anger. This anger can cause us to move out of this level or keep us here.

Desire 125-150
Desire is a major motivator for much of our society. Although desire can be an impetus for change, the downside is that it leads to enslavement to ones appetites. This is the level of addiction to such things as sex, money, prestige, or power.

Fear 100-125
People living under dictatorship rule or those involved in an abusive relationship find themselves at this level. There is a sense of paranoia here, where you think everyone is out to get you. Suspicion and defensiveness are common.

Grief 75-100
Many of us have felt this at times of tragedy in our lives. However, having this as your primary level of consciousness, you live a life of constant regret and remorse. This is the level where you feel all your opportunities have passed you by. You ultimately feel you are a failure.

Apathy 50-75
The level of hopelessness and despair; this is the common consciousness found among those who are homeless or living in poverty. At this level, one has abdicated themselves to their current situation and feels numb to life around them.

Guilt 30-50
Not too far from shame is the level of guilt. When one is stuck in this level, feelings of worthlessness and an inability to forgive oneself are common.

Shame - below 30
At this level, the primary emotion one feels is humiliation. It is where most thoughts of suicide are found. Those who suffer from sexual abuse are often found here.

The Birth of a Book (That Will Change Lives)

I recognize the title of this blog post is bold. It's a lot to live up to, right? The reality is, I might fail miserably at writing this book...and I'm doing it anyway.  

I'm claiming this position because it's what I want to create.

I have a deep desire to create something that gives me great joy, honors my unique gifts and experiences, and offers something useful to others. I've spent this morning writing, as I often do. But this morning, my birthday, I asked to be shown what there is to do now ... and what revealed itself to me is this:

WRITE A BOOK ABOUT SELF LOVE (SELF WORTH)

If there's anything I've learned in 42 years, it's that UNCONDITIONAL SELF LOVE is the key to happiness. It's not 'easy', however. It requires courage and it challenges confidence. The thing is, if we're willing to look at what we've been avoiding, often treasures (in the form of TRUTHS) reveal themselves to us.

The truth is, I don't want to be known as the girl who was this (call girl) or has that (a tumor). I want to be known as someone who is courageous and free and kind and funny and generous and loving and easy to with.

So this book is going to be about how I went from desperately seeking approval and affection, hating and hiding the parts of myself I thought were ugly and disgusting to not only accepting them but CLAIMING them as key in my self-love story.

I am going to share with readers how I got to a place where I am saddled up and riding this life...

This book is for the 40-something woman who has struggled with self-worth and self love her whole life. She has probably (secretly) had a "checkered past" and an unusual relationship to sex. Maybe she has/had a major health issue that completely altered her self-perception. She is a seeker. She really wants to know who she is and how to make the absolute most of her life. Like REALLY. She values the wisdom and guidance of those that have 'gone before her'. She wants to know she's not alone. She longs to hear the true and relatable story of another woman's journey of courage and confidence in the face of challenge. She wants to know how to "come out" and tell HER truth. She needs a new perspective of wellness and a deeper understanding of intimacy. She's looking for inspiration to be the source of her self-worth. She knows she needs a new approach to sex, one that empowers her and her desire rather than condemns it through shame.

If this is you, like me, you've probably developed above average intellect. So you're smart. And you appear successful but inside you're stressed the fuck out and you're scared that you'll be found out. You're anxious about all that you've built and how it can come crashing down if you don't stay in control.

I KNOW.

You're biting your tongue, it's what you were taught to do. You've never fully embraced or embodied your sexual desire and on some level this has kept you silently suffering shame. You're wondering if this is all there is for you and your life.

This book is for you.

I'm not biting my tongue anymore. I'm not hiding out or letting slide what I know needs to be exposed and expressed. I know I'm not alone and that we need leadership. SO I'll lead the way for my tribe of women who want what I want...

Extraordinary relationships and super satisfying lives.

It's possible. My life has been the 'test lab' and now I'll share how I got where I am (a place of courage, confidence, and most importantly, UNCONDITIONAL SELF LOVE) ...despite, no - BECAUSE of my challenges.

So stay tuned, my sister...I'm making this book and this year of my life about US. Cheers to growing into a Wise Woman and no regrets for the past as a Party Girl.

Much Love!

Colette

Commitment

If we commit ourselves to one person for life, this is not, as many people think, a rejection of freedom; rather, it demands the courage to move into all the risks of freedom, and the risk of love which is permanent; into that love which is not possession but participation.
— Madeleine L'Engle

Love vs. Fear

Two streams run side by side - so close to one another it's very easy to hop from one to the next. 

One stream is LOVE. It's clear, pure light, beautiful, peaceful...you float on this stream. 

The other stream is FEAR.  It's cloudy, cold, loud, and draws you downward as if being caught in a whirlpool. 

These streams flow within us and all around us.  The former dictates the latter.  Meaning, where we are within, so then is our outward experience. It is not the reverse. 

To tap into the LOVE current one must be AWARE of the duality of Love vs. Fear consciousness.  One must be HONEST about where they are now and OPEN to all possibilities.  TRUST that Grace is by your side and be HUMBLE and THANKFUL for ALL that is present.  

We CAN CHOOSE which stream to swim in... If you would like to swim in the current of LOVE...I will guide you to it.

Intimacy

Intimacy generally refers to being in a close personal association with another. It is a familiar and very close affective connection with someone as a result of a bond that is formed through knowledge and experience of the other.

Genuine intimacy in human relationships requires dialoguetransparencyvulnerability, and reciprocity.

The verb "intimate" means "to state or make known". The activity of intimating (making known) underpins the meanings of "intimate" when used as a noun and adjective. The noun "intimate" means a person with whom one has a particularly close relationship. The adjective "intimate" indicates detailed knowledge of a thing or person.

In human relationships, the meaning and level of intimacy varies within and between relationships

To sustain intimacy for any length of time requires well-developed emotional and interpersonal awareness. Intimacy requires an ability to be both separate and together participants in an intimate relationship. Murray Bowen called this "self-differentiation". It results in a connection in which there is an emotional range involving both robust conflict and intense loyalty.

From a center of self-knowledge and self differentiation, intimate behavior joins family members and close friends as well as those in love. It evolves through reciprocal self-disclosure and candor. Poor skills in developing intimacy can lead to getting too close too quickly; struggling to find the boundary and to sustain connection; being poorly skilled as a friend, rejecting self-disclosure or even rejecting friendships and those who have them. 

Studies show that fear of intimacy is inversely related to comfort with emotional closeness and with relationship satisfaction, and directly related to loneliness and trait anxiety.

[From Wikipedia]

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colette davenport

Colette is an intimacy expert who loves helping married working moms stop struggling and start having the kind of marriage and family they know is possible. Her upcoming book, From Call Girl to Calling, is both a telling of Colette's story and a teaching of how to turn your obstacles into opportunities for growth and personal fulfilment. 

The New Normal - Five Steps to Transforming Your Life with Ease

I've been having a lot of conversations lately about 'The New Normal' or what I would describe as a new set-point for daily life.

A specific example of this from my own life is my fitness level. For months and months (and MONTHS) I tried to get consistent with diet and exercise and my yoga practice. I would journal about it and create strategies and and even post about my intentions publicly. And for months and months I failed at achieving the kind of results I wanted.

Today, however, I have even better results than I imagined for myself. So what gives? How did I go from an ongoing battle with myself - which would include a lot of guilt and frustration - to this New Normal where I am strong and lean and feeling really fucking great about myself - effortlessly choosing to eat clean and train at the gym almost every day?

I'll tell ya. And it's not as big of a deal as you might think. Follow these five steps and you will find yourself living a New Normal, too.

STEP 1: Clear Vision

This is the VERY FIRST THING YOU MUST DO to transform any area of your life. The question to ask yourself is, "What do I want to create?". If you don't know your WHAT you'll constantly be in a state of confusion, which is super draining, trust me.

Your WHAT must be deeply compelling. In other words, my WHAT was initially about "losing weight" but that wasn't compelling enough. Then it was "fitting into my clothes". Still not compelling enough. Eventually, my WHAT became "having more than enough energy to do all the things I want to do in a day and feel lean and strong and clear-headed".

If you want to transform your body or relationship or even travel the world, get clear about 'what you want to create' in that area and make sure it's compelling. That is, it has deep significant meaning for you and your experience of life.

STEP 2: Anchors Away

Now that you are connected to WHAT you want to create it's time to release the anchors. And by anchors, I mean the physical and emotional stuff that's weighing you down and keeping you stuck. Think of it like 'clearing clutter'. 

Where are you suppressing, resisting or avoiding? What coping mechanisms or distractions are you allowing to come between you and your desired outcome? What or who are you hanging onto that is no longer serving you?

We all have them. Usually, the most potent of these are emotional. We hold on to physical things and people and patterns of behavior because they keep us insulated (or 'safe') from our lower vibrational feelings. Emotions are powerful and some can be really uncomfortable and disruptive to our lives.

The best advice I can give here is JUMP.  Jump off the mother fucking cliff and see what happens. Yes, you might feel terrified and be in a free fall with the ground coming at you at a thousand miles an hour. I HAVE BEEN THERE. And you know what? You'll find that you have the capacity to FLY. You'll find your wings and soar like an eagle. It happens every time.

STEP 3: Success Set Up

After letting go of the stuff that's not supporting you and your WHAT, it's time to set up environments conducive to your success. This especially includes the people you surround yourself with. 

They say you are the sum of the five people you spend the most time with.

From my experience, this is a #truestory. In my case, my fitness game got amplified by the fact that my best girlfriend - a personal trainer and wellness consultant - moved in with me. I've also been dating men who are into fitness and yoga, eating well and making healthy lifestyle choices. So I'm surrounded by people who inspire and motivate me to be successful.

Not only are the people in your life indicative of your success, your environments play a huge role in it, too. Look around you. Your home - is it a reflection of you and what you want to feel? Or is there just a bunch of random stuff taking up space? What about your work environment? Are you among high-energy happy people who are stoked to be there? Or are things mind-numbing where you can't wait for the day to end? 

Remember this is all about creating YOUR NEW NORMAL so you may have to shatter some old norms to get to the new one. Stay connected to your WHAT and the decisions to break out will be less painful.

STEP 4: Consistent Actions

The key to creating any lasting transformation is consistency. Every action is a CHOICE. 

You have likely been choosing the same actions for a while and thus have the results you currently have. The good news is, when you choose to create a New Normal, you shift your actions and the results follow.

I used to struggle big time with being consistent in my work outs. I recognize now that I was not connected deeply to a compelling WHAT. So my lack of choosing to exercise on a daily basis was a natural response. Now, it's no-brainer to make time in my schedule for the gym, trail, and/or yoga. No 'force' is involved what-so-ever.

My coach helped me assimilate the concept of "where there is no consistency, there is suffering".  Yes, SUFFERING.

Pain and struggle are a part of life. Suffering doesn't have to be. It is a CHOICE.

Choose to do whatever you must to get clear about WHAT you want to create and the rest of these steps will be easy.

STEP 5: Evaluate + Refine + Grow

Ok. That's like three things in one step but they all work in harmony. As you create your New Normal it's imperative that you stay alert and evaluate your progress. Doing so without harsh judgements. Forgive yourself for any fuck-ups along the way. YOU'RE HUMAN. Check in with your support system to help you be objective with this.

Refine or tweak what needs adjustment. This is unavoidable. You will ultimately be growing and evolving in this process and what strategies are workable will, too. So just factor that shit in.

Your personal growth and transformation is the WHOLE POINT here. If you are not motivated to be a better version of yourself and live a more satisfying, fulfilling and badass life ...then stay where you're at. Not growing and evolving is the surest way to repeat the days, weeks, and years you've already lived. 

Plenty of people do it. I'm not one of them and I bet the people you admire aren't either. 

The bottom line is this. You have ONE LIFE. And it's super duper precious and short. You can stay in your current state of normalcy (which may be really great, btw) or you can look at where in your life you are ready to transform / up-level and make that shit happen.

This article is a 5-step process to support those who want a New Normal. I speak from lots of experience here - both in my own life and in my coaching practice. If you really really want a New Normal but don't think you can do it on your own, let's talk. I got you.

Fast-Food Dating and Intimacy: What Not to Do If You're Newly Single

I've been feeling exceptionally needy lately. (Did I really just admit that??) I can't get enough attention. To the point I've been completely distracted from my work. I haven't written or really created anything viable in weeks. How's that for a #truthbomb ??

I've been relying on what I'm going to call "fast-food dating" (aka Tinder & Bumble) to sate my hunger for attention. It's no wonder I'm not experiencing the kind of deep connection I desire.

I knew April was going to be a month of upheaval and distortion but I wasn't prepared for just how wacky it would be or how much I would cling to what felt good. In addition to the astrological impact (have you read about the Scorpio full moon?) I've also started working with a shaman and a holistic doctor to continue my personal healing.

Let me tell you, this shit is *DEEP*.

What I've learned so far is that it's easy to ignore old wounds and seek validation and new "love" from others. It's not as easy to direct my attention inward and be with the wounds so they can heal... or give love and validation to myself.

But I'm working on it daily.

It's been about four months since the conclusion of my 5-year relationship with Matt. If you've been following my blog for sometime, you know that the biggest challenge for me was I didn't feel SEEN.

My desire (actually, this is a human need) for intimacy, connection, and sexual self-expression was all but unmet in that relationship.

So when I started dating again, I was showing up like: "SEE ME...SEE ME...SEE ME!"

Turns out that is NOT the best way to go about dating.

Talk about being 'needy'... and I consider myself pretty damn self-sufficient. I don't need a man to take care of me financially or in most other ways but I am recognizing my need for intimacy. And I get that freaks people out. At least early on...in a fast-food dating environment.

For a long time I've had the fear that no one would be able to see PAST the physical situation I'm dealing with. So when someone did, I got excited and hopeful and ...a little clingy. 

I thought, "Here's someone who's willing to see me... (excited)... and so I'm gonna show him all of me...(premature)...all at once. (foolish)"

Dumb move.

I was oblivious to my overzealous need to be seen and validated that I completely overloaded the spark and short-circuited the connection.

My best girlfriend said it best when she said, "Colette, you're intense. And woo woo."

What there is to get here is the love, intimacy, and validation I seek I must find within and give myself

I've made huge strides over the last eight years in overcoming issues with vanity, self-esteem, self-love, and self-expression - and it would seem there's more work to do.

So with regards to dating, for the time being, I'm just going to pin in it and circle back at a later date.

I'll use this opportunity to up-level the relationship I have with myself. I'll nurture and play with and love and explore what gives me pleasure - sans needing anyone else's validation, attention, or reciprocal participation.

I think this is an important part of being a healthy, happy human being. To be the source of our own self-worth and to unconditionally love ourselves - including our 'flaws' is a necessary foundation for being able to give and receive intimately with others.

I'm finding the relationship with Self requires as much (if not more) ongoing cultivation than the relationships we have with others.

If life truly is all about relationships, then having a super solid one with ourselves, ALL FIVE BODIES , is worth the investment.