5 Things I Learned About Sex from Working with 272 Men and 4 Women Last Year

1. Men are actively seeking to improve themselves as sexual beings.  You might think women are all about personal growth and development and for the most part you’d be right.  But when it comes to sex, men are hungry to explore and expand their knowledge and skills.  I have the privilege of being one of the first responders when men decide it’s time to evolve their capacity as sexual beings.  

Of course, that’s not how most of my clients phrase it at first.  The more common statement I hear is one related to “lasting longer” or “being better at sex”.  As we explore the motivations for each person in their specific circumstance, the overwhelming majority of men get to the core of the matter and reveal the REAL driving force as something like “a deep longing to connect openly and freely with their partner”. In other words, they want intimacy.  Intimacy is a common component in personal growth.  It’s what allows us to truly be seen and heard by others.  

Tweet: Sexual intimacy is one of the most profound ways we get to experience being fully seen, acknowledged, and accepted by another human being.

Sexual intimacy is one of the most profound ways we get to experience being fully seen, acknowledged, and accepted by another human being.    

We are literally naked, that is, physically.  And when we match that nakedness with emotional and spiritual vulnerability something otherworldly occurs.  We experience a timeless Ego-less presence to the miraculous being-ness that we truly are.  Pretty cool.  I suspect THAT’S the undercover culprit of men’s desire to improve themselves sexually.  The rampant push to perform better is merely modern day cloak concealing a Universal truth -- we seek intimate connection.

2. Men find it difficult to speak to their wives about their sexual appetites or perceived lack of sexual abilities. When I inquire as to what keeps them from opening up or being vulnerable my clients reveal reasons ranging from fear and insecurity to not knowing how to talk about it.  Sometimes  they’ve been judged so harshly they have almost completely shut down the masculine sexual energy, or consciousness, that longs to be expressed.  (btw, women have masculine sexual energy, too)  

When it comes to being intimate and vulnerable, we are required to “take off the mask” of the Ego.  But the Ego fights to keep itself intact.  After all, it’s this contrived character that we identify with and so if we relinquish that sense of ourselves, who are we?  Great question.  But it’s one we perceive as so immense and existential that we shy away from it.  Who has the time or bandwidth to solve such a riddle?  

In today’s culture we rely on celebrities and magazines and corporate, government, and religious officials to tell us who we are.  The problem with that is they are all in the business of manufacturing the truth (to maintain status quo) rather than revealing it.  

So at best, we’re mindlessly following false images and at worst we’re being manipulated into being disconnected, dissatisfied and diseased.  

This is especially true when it comes to sex.  When men are “told” who they are supposed to be (at work, in society, or in the bedroom) they develop a relentless pursuit of accomplishing that in order to live up to who they think they should be.  The trap being it’s a false image.  It ain’t the truth.  The reality is men and women alike are gifted with unique desires and a natural appetite for sexual self-expression.  

The contrived characters and manufactured false images suggest one thing and the masculine sexual energy (aka consciousness)  desires another.  Conflict ensues.  The result is men are uncertain or fearful of speaking to their wives about sex.  And I think it’s safe to draw the conclusion that this unfortunate challenge is true for women as well.

3. Men crave compassionate loving non-sexual touch.  When presented with the offer to enhance coaching with relaxation practices (meditation, breath and energy work, and therapeutic massage), 96% of my clients opted to do so.  Why?  Because they’re stressed the fuck out.  Again, why?  Refer to number two above.  

We are all stressed out trying to live up to a manufactured ideal.  And for some, the concept of compassionate loving non-sexual touch is foreign.  The powers that be would have us all believe that human touch implies sexual intent and therefore a performance of some sort is required.  That just reinforces the mask of the Ego or the drive to differentiate ourselves from one another and the source of our being.  

It is a great privilege of mine to introduce people to a powerful healing and nurturing practice. This practice, when done with a crystal clear intention, can be very intimate and non-sexual.  As a bonus, I encourage my clients to share the practice with their sweetie...and see what depth of connection results.

4. Men and women could use an an advanced education in being human.  The sexual phenomenon I observe is this: People are dissatisfied and disconnected and, quite frankly, dis-eased because they think sex is an ACT to be measured and rated in terms of performance.  Collectively, there’s also a rampant belief that sex is all about certain body parts.  

How many people do you know, that when it comes to sex and sex appeal, compare body parts?  Guys will go on and on about being a boob- or butt- or leg-man.  And women talk about their satisfaction relative to the size of a man’s penis.  What’s with the superficiality?  Oh, right.  That’s what’s being sold to us via the media and those in “power” who’re making a buck off that shit.  

Here’s the deal, sex is NOT an act, it is not measurable, it’s most certainly not a performance AND it involves the entire HUMAN BEING (not just penis and vagina and couple other body parts).  The pervasive perspective creates a lot of frustrated and disengaged people.  How do I know?  Read the title of this article again.  

So what, then, is sex?  Sex, or more specifically, the sexual body is a part of who you are.  It contains both masculine and feminine energies.  It’s one of 5 bodies that make up the human being.  What are the other 4? I’ll save that for another day.  But rest assured, I am here to expose the truth!

5. Women are into Tantra.  OK, my sample is a little skewed but every woman I work with expresses a desire to experience more.  More of themselves, more of their partners, more intimacy, more pleasure, more fulfillment in their relationship and life.  That’s what Tantra has to offer.  

My personal mission is to amplify passion, pleasure, and play in the bedrooms of people everywhere by supporting integrity, harmony, and vitality in each of us.  Coaching, teaching tantra and writing about sex and relationships are my tools.  Although my practice thus far has been built by men seeking to overcome challenges pertaining to masculine sexual energy I believe feminine energy (aka REAL power) will restore the harmony that they and our culture long for.  When understood, sexual energy has the potential to create sustainable joy, connection, abundance, and ecstasy.  And not just sexually.  If we have the power to create NEW LIFE unconsciously, imagine what we can create when we are conscious and responsible and are no longer slaves to false images and contrived characters.

What do you think?  Leave a comment below and let us know!  

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