Fast-Food Dating and Intimacy: What Not to Do If You're Newly Single

I've been feeling exceptionally needy lately. (Did I really just admit that??) I can't get enough attention. To the point I've been completely distracted from my work. I haven't written or really created anything viable in weeks. How's that for a #truthbomb ??

I've been relying on what I'm going to call "fast-food dating" (aka Tinder & Bumble) to sate my hunger for attention. It's no wonder I'm not experiencing the kind of deep connection I desire.

I knew April was going to be a month of upheaval and distortion but I wasn't prepared for just how wacky it would be or how much I would cling to what felt good. In addition to the astrological impact (have you read about the Scorpio full moon?) I've also started working with a shaman and a holistic doctor to continue my personal healing.

Let me tell you, this shit is *DEEP*.

What I've learned so far is that it's easy to ignore old wounds and seek validation and new "love" from others. It's not as easy to direct my attention inward and be with the wounds so they can heal... or give love and validation to myself.

But I'm working on it daily.

It's been about four months since the conclusion of my 5-year relationship with Matt. If you've been following my blog for sometime, you know that the biggest challenge for me was I didn't feel SEEN.

My desire (actually, this is a human need) for intimacy, connection, and sexual self-expression was all but unmet in that relationship.

So when I started dating again, I was showing up like: "SEE ME...SEE ME...SEE ME!"

Turns out that is NOT the best way to go about dating.

Talk about being 'needy'... and I consider myself pretty damn self-sufficient. I don't need a man to take care of me financially or in most other ways but I am recognizing my need for intimacy. And I get that freaks people out. At least early on...in a fast-food dating environment.

For a long time I've had the fear that no one would be able to see PAST the physical situation I'm dealing with. So when someone did, I got excited and hopeful and ...a little clingy. 

I thought, "Here's someone who's willing to see me... (excited)... and so I'm gonna show him all of me...(premature)...all at once. (foolish)"

Dumb move.

I was oblivious to my overzealous need to be seen and validated that I completely overloaded the spark and short-circuited the connection.

My best girlfriend said it best when she said, "Colette, you're intense. And woo woo."

What there is to get here is the love, intimacy, and validation I seek I must find within and give myself

I've made huge strides over the last eight years in overcoming issues with vanity, self-esteem, self-love, and self-expression - and it would seem there's more work to do.

So with regards to dating, for the time being, I'm just going to pin in it and circle back at a later date.

I'll use this opportunity to up-level the relationship I have with myself. I'll nurture and play with and love and explore what gives me pleasure - sans needing anyone else's validation, attention, or reciprocal participation.

I think this is an important part of being a healthy, happy human being. To be the source of our own self-worth and to unconditionally love ourselves - including our 'flaws' is a necessary foundation for being able to give and receive intimately with others.

I'm finding the relationship with Self requires as much (if not more) ongoing cultivation than the relationships we have with others.

If life truly is all about relationships, then having a super solid one with ourselves, ALL FIVE BODIES , is worth the investment.

 

 

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colette davenport

Colette Davenport helps healers, empaths, and creatives get their magic back. By ending their secret addictions and self-sabotage, clients gain the clarity, confidence, and direction to take their lives to a whole other dimension. Colette is an international coach and speaker, a published author, and the founder of Badass Empath Academy, the school for gifted people.

“Over the course of 25 years, I've had the honor of helping people heal themselves of chronic illness, reestablish intimacy in sexless marriages, turn struggling businesses into profit-generating ones, and leave the 'safe' job (or relationship) they loathed for a life they LOVED. This is my calling.” — Colette Davenport

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colette davenport

Colette Davenport helps healers, empaths, and creatives get their magic back. By ending their secret addictions and self-sabotage, clients gain the clarity, confidence, and direction to take their lives to a whole other dimension. Colette is an international coach and speaker, a published author, and the founder of Badass Empath Academy, the school for gifted people.

“Over the course of 25 years, I've had the honor of helping people heal themselves of chronic illness, reestablish intimacy in sexless marriages, turn struggling businesses into profit-generating ones, and leave the 'safe' job (or relationship) they loathed for a life they LOVED. This is my calling.” — Colette Davenport

13 Sex-Drive Killers To Be On The Look Out For

Taken from medicinenet.com, the following are some contributors to a less-than-fabulous sex life.  How many would you say fit your profile?

Sex-Drive Killers:

1. Stress

The body does not react well to stress. Emotional stress may affect physical function, including sexual desire and performance. Realizing what underlying stressors may exist is the first step in treatment. Consider stress management practices such as yoga, massage, and meditation to help relieve the burden.

2. Partner

Sexual desire requires two to tango. Both partners need to feel connected and women especially need the feeling of being close. Poor communications, a sense of betrayal, lack of trust, and repeated fighting and criticism may create a relationship that lacks closeness and intimacy. Coaching may be the answer if couples find that the issues are too tough to resolve on their own.

2. Alcohol

Alcohol is usually not the answer to any problem. While alcohol may decrease inhibitions, it also decreases sexual performance and libido. Your partner may not appreciate a drunken advance and may be turned off by it.

4. Too Little Sleep

As with any physical activity, a rested body increases performance. Lack of sleep, including lack of proper sleep, may be the culprit that decreases sex drive. Sleep apnea is a potential cause for lack of good sleep and lack of libido. 

5. Having Kids

Being a parent is a full-time job and you need carve out time without a child or baby around. Planning quiet time for intimacy and sexual desire may require some creative thinking, like having sex when the baby naps, or hiring a babysitter so mom and dad can have a play date.

6. Medication

Side effects of many prescription medications include loss of libido and sex drive. Some examples include:

  • High blood pressure medications including water pills and beta blockers
  • Cold medications that contain antihistamines and decongestants
  • Antidepressants
  • Birth control pills
  • Narcotic pain pills
  • Chemotherapy drugs

7. Poor Body Image

Sexy is as sexy feels. Many people have low self-esteem when it comes to their body shape and this can affect their sex drive and desire. Being happy with yourself is an important first step. A supportive partner always helps or working with a coach to transform self-image can be a great tool.

8. Obesity

Obesity affects one-third of all Americans and being overweight can limit desire because of decreased sexual enjoyment, lack of performance, and poor self-esteem. How you feel about yourself goes a long way in affecting how you enjoy sex. Hiring a health coach may be helpful.

9. Low T

While a man's testosterone level gradually falls with aging, there is not necessarily any relationship between hormone levels and the desire for sex. It is just one potential cause for decreased libido and you may want to look for other causes in addition to just low testosterone (“low T”).

10. Erection Problems

Erectile dysfunction (ED) can not only affect the ability to have intercourse but also how a man feels about his ability to perform. There are many options available to treat ED and as a sex coach, I often work with men seeking a drug-free solution.

11. Depression

Depression affects all facets of life including sex drive. Losing pleasure in daily activities often requires treatment including counseling and perhaps medication. Unfortunately, some antidepressants also depress libido.  Exercise is a natural anti-depressant.  Eating a clean, unprocessed diet will also boost levels of feel-good hormones.

12. Menopause

Menopause may cause physical changes that affect intercourse, including vaginal dryness and pain with intercourse (dyspareunia). Natural treatments are available to enhance sexual desire and function after menopause.

13. Lack of Closeness

Making love is more than just sex. Intimacy and closeness are important part of a healthy love life. If sexual desire is waning, it may be time to inject romance back in the relationship. Snuggling, giving each other massages and spending casual time together may help ignite that spark.

Want to know how to turn things around?  Evaluating and strategizing are two main components of my coaching program...Contact me today for a FREE INTIMACY EVALUATION to get things moving in the direction you desire!



The Sexiest 3 Words a Man Can Say to a Woman

WOW.  THIS is powerful.  I read this article and was immediately connected to what I've been attempting to convey to my guy.  Yes, I can take care of myself.  Yes, I know he loves me and is always there for me.  But my experience is that of always being the one who takes care of everything that is not his work. - www.besomebody.co   In other words, I feel as though I'm the one who's taking care of everything form groceries (and all other domestic responsibilities) to puppies to dinner dates to sexual satisfaction.  Sometimes I need to hear these 3 words.

Posted on October 27, 2014 by Bryan Reeves via thiswildwakingjourney.wordpress.com

“I love you.” (nope)

“You look beautiful.” (nope)

“Let’s go shopping!” (depends how you say it, but still, no)

“How’s your mother?” (no, this will just make her suspicious of you)

Those are all nice to say, and many women want to hear them from their partner; they like to feel cherished. But none of those by themselves will necessarily have her soften all warm-putty-like into your hairy masculine arms.

The three sexiest words I’m referring to speak to primal forces within both men and women. An archetypal trip wire, these eight letters strung together can trigger a man’s spine to straighten and make a woman swoon.

I wish I could say I figured this one out by myself, but a lady friend had to point this out. Once she did, I looked back to my own intimate relationships and saw overwhelming evidence for her case everywhere.

We were having coffee when she started telling me about her new boyfriend. He was refined and kind, loving and intelligent. He was a creative artist, and an accomplished one at that. She felt him a good man and she was happy. Then she told me about the first morning they woke up together, and that’s when she really lit up during our conversation.

She has a dog. Normally the dog gets her up early to go pee outside when she’s still in comatose denial of an outside world. On this particular morning, when the dog woke her up as usual, her new beau opened his eyes, looked at her and with nary a hesitation, issued the most magical three-word spell she could recall ever hearing from a man. She said these words slid from his masculine mouth smooth as a river stone and strong as steel (that’s my interpretation of what she said). She swooned. She relaxed. Under his sudden spell she felt herself completely protected and cherished by this man’s love.

“I got this.”

That’s what he said.


Read the Full Article HERE  It's the best thing I've read in a while.

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colette davenport

Colette Davenport helps healers, empaths, and creatives get their magic back. By ending their secret addictions and self-sabotage, clients gain the clarity, confidence, and direction to take their lives to a whole other dimension. Colette is an international coach and speaker, a published author, and the founder of Badass Empath Academy, the school for gifted people.

“Over the course of 25 years, I've had the honor of helping people heal themselves of chronic illness, reestablish intimacy in sexless marriages, turn struggling businesses into profit-generating ones, and leave the 'safe' job (or relationship) they loathed for a life they LOVED. This is my calling.” — Colette Davenport

How To Make Love Stay: 6 Endless Tips

This article from Rebelle Society is for all my wonderful male clients and friends.  I challenge you to read every last word and heed the advice to the letter...to make love stay.

1. Love her fiercely.

Connection is key, vulnerability is bravery, and an open heart breaks down closed souls. We only get one shot at this life, this moment, and this relationship. If you’re blessed enough to find yourself waking up next to the same love over and over and over again, please don’t think of it as blandness. Choose blessedness.

If you find yourself getting too used to the monotony of your daily existence or if the routine is becoming too obscene, change something. Mix it up. Add some spice. Run off and have an adventure, even if it’s just down the road. Go and see something you’ve never seen, even if it’s just across the street. Go and do something you’ve never done, even if it’s just under the sheets.

When you enter a room, let others notice that you notice her first. When you walk next to her, stop and kiss her neck for no good reason other than the fact that she is by your side. When she gets dressed in the morning, smile and appreciate that women are sexier getting dressed than they are getting undressed.

Respect her boundaries, but break down her walls. Crush her fears and free her mind. She’s yours, and it’s up to you to be hers. Be the hero she’s always wanted but never knew she needed.

Be a brazen inspiration. Be a bold revelation. Be a novel innovation. Earn her every day and appreciate her every night. Give her your heart and defend hers at all costs. Be a warrior for love armed with a quiver full of fervor, and love will forever follow you into the hunt.

“Love easily confuses us because it is always in flux between illusion and substance, between memory and wish, between contentment and need.” ~Tom Robbins

 

***

2. Make her feel beautiful.

This one is pretty simple: Girls want to feel beautiful. Unfortunately, as you probably already recognize, women are bombarded each and every day with images from TV, magazines, Facebook and everywhere else in our culture trying to show them and sell them beauty. “They should look good.” “They need to be put together.” “They must be presented well.”

That is total bullshit. Humans were not born to cover their faces in makeup, did not evolve to spend an hour straightening their hair with expensive machines, and did not arise solely to dress up in high heels, or expensive jewels, or an overpriced dress bought to attend that cocktail party that night with those people that we don’t really know and don’t even care about.

In our society, beauty most often relates to the exterior and although a variety of superficial modifications are now wildly popular, they are all, each of them, a small, dirty, and pathetic lie.

Diamond rings are not beautiful, an open heart is beautiful. New shoes are not beautiful, kindness is beautiful. Vulnerability is beautiful. Compassion, honesty, courage and confidence are the real beautiful things. 

Besides, even with all of the makeup, accessories and clothes in the world, you cannot be beautiful if you do not feel beautiful. Similarly, if you feel beautiful, you are beautiful. It really is that simple.

So, take these powerful ideas and go about setting them free into the world. Make your girl feel beautiful. Compliment her soul. Look her in the eyes when you tell her you love her. Hold her hand. Melt her heart. Be her beacon. When she wakes up in the morning, tell her she looks great, and when she laughs or calls you crazy (and she will), mean it when you tell her that you mean it.

Stare into her eyes until she looks away first. Let her soar, and admire her in flight. Open her eyes, heart, hopes and dreams. Write her a note that says she makes you feel lucky, leave her a voicemail that says she makes you feel blessed and make her a card that says she makes you feel beautiful.

After all, beautiful things create beautiful things. So go ahead and be beautiful together, and love will stick around to watch.

“The highest function of love is that it makes the loved one a unique and irreplaceable being.” ~ Tom Robbins

 

***

3. Make her feel safe.

Girls like being held. They like having arms wrapped around them, simultaneously holding them close and pushing the world away. They enjoy walking with someone that can connect with them, confiding in someone who cares for them and loving someone who adores them. Girls like knowing that they are enough for us, that we are not looking elsewhere for replacements.

Girls want to matter, so let her feel comfortable speaking her heart. When she does, listen. When you listen, understand (not just what is being said, but why).

When you understand, relate and remember. Become fluent in the language she speaks. Encourage her to be the best her possible, even if that means exposing the hard truths that she tries to avoid, the facts that she can no longer ignore.

It’s up to you to make her see that, ultimately, no one else will make her happy but her. It’s up to you to help her help herself. Earn her trust and then keep making deposits, because helping a woman feel safe empowers her to do the things that her heart tells her they need to be done.

When she is not worried about you or her or us, she is free, an uncaged bird, and freedom is a wondrous feeling. Freedom means safety, safety is liberating, and liberation leads to fearlessness.

Without fear, we can focus on the things that matter, the things that set our hearts alight, the dreams that only arise when we are awake.

Catalyzed by safety, dormant ideas awaken, embolden and enliven our life. Compassion, courage and honesty, love’s three younger sisters, will stop by to visit, helping to ensure that our women are as safe and as strong as possible. Why is this important? Because strong women make men strong. And strong men can make love stay.

“When two people meet and fall in love, there’s a sudden rush of magic. Magic is just naturally present then. We tend to feed on that gratuitous magic without striving to make any more. One day we wake up and find that the magic is gone. We hustle to get it back, but by then it’s usually too late, we’ve used it up. What we have to do is work like hell at making additional magic right from the start. It’s hard work, but if we can remember to do it, we greatly improve our chances of making love stay.” ~ Tom Robbins

 

***

4.  Make her feel important.

There’s a lot going on in the world and we are always on alert.  We have to deal with jobs, laundry, stress, temptation, money, family, friends and the future.

Distractions pervade. Opportunities proliferate. Obstacles present themselves. We have the internet in our pockets, a gleam in our eyes and no time on our hands. We’re often busy, occasionally stressed, and sometimes overwhelmed. We have much on our minds and to us, normal is nuts.

We have dreams and adventures ahead of us and sorrow and sacrifice behind and yet, through all of the drama and strife, the pains and the panics, the days and nights, love remains. She is there, next to you, urging you on, smiling, and wanting nothing but the best for you because she loves you, she cares about you, and she wants you to be happy.

She is a best friend, mentor and biggest fan all in one. Your life would be worse without her in it. You would miss her if she were gone. She is the best thing in your world. Don’t you ever fucking lose sight of that, and love will have no chance to escape.

Love is addicted to appreciation and awareness. Keep both in abundant supply and love will always be near.  

“My love for you has no strings attached. I love you for free.” ~Tom Robbins

 

***

5. Fuck her good.

Here’s the thing: Women love sex and they think about it all the time. Although they would probably never admit it, women love getting down and dirty between the sheets, fast and furious on the bathroom floor, and slow and comfortable up against a wall.

If you’re a woman, you’re probably smiling as you read this. I’m sorry, girls, but the secret is out. We know that you talk about sex with your friends, fantasize about foreplay when you’re alone, and dream about the dirty when you are bored at work. And that’s okay. It’s more than okay, in fact.

Sex is important and good sex is a universal human right. So, do your best to be your best, not only in life but also in bed. However, don’t forget that it’s far more than just the physical that matters: the most important sex organ is the brain.

Be giving, with words and touch. Be intimate, with emotions and experience. Be thoughtful, with deeds and desires. Seduce her away from her distractions. Excite her.

Good loving is a necessity and if your girl is not getting it from you, she’ll start looking elsewhere for greener pastures to fertilize. However, if you can make her shake like a freight train, she’ll stick around like a memory. And that’s what it is all about – making love stay.

“We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.” ~ Tom Robbins

 

***

6.  Make her laugh.

Cyndi Lauper was right: Girls just want to have fun.

Have you ever seen a bunch of girls going absolutely buck wild on a dance floor? It’s a sensation, and fun is the feeling. Have you ever witnessed a group of girls laughing so hard that they’re snorting and crying and madly screeching right up close into each others faces? It’s a sanctuary, and fun is the preacher.

Life is hard, and that’s a fact. We all know that sadness comes by to play hide and seek, sorrow randomly stops by for a drink, and occasionally, we get overwhelmed, annoyed, or infuriated. It happens. It’s unavoidable. It’s not her fault.

Being down does not make her a bad person, or a bad partner, or a pain in the ass. Being down does not make her heart any smaller or her beauty any less noticeable. Rather, being down is part of lifting up.

Help lift her up. Help make her see. Teach yourself the powerful and noble truth that here is nothing more beautiful than a smiling soul staring at you with love-filled eyes. Make her smile. Warm her heart. Be silly.

Life is far too serious to take seriously and sometimes the bravest thing you can do is laugh.

So do it, and do it often. Goof around. Be playful. Have fun. Locate your inner child and give him a high five. Find some grass and do some somersaults. Enjoy the ride and love will sit next to you, its head on your shoulder, smiling all the while, for where there is laughter, there is love.

“But do we know how to make love stay? I can’t even think about it. The best I can do is play it day by day.” ~ Tom Robbins

Did we miss anything? Do you have an idea of your own? Let us know. We demand answers, we crave knowledge and we are addicted to realizations.

Serve it up hot and let’s dig in: How do you make love stay?

 

*****

About the author:

Long Distance Love Bombs

About Long Distance Love Bombs: Hi, I’m Jeremy, a kindhearted marine biologist with a punk rock spirit and an urge to live the shit out of my life. I am also trying to make kindness cool and the world better than it was yesterday. Join me at Long Distance Love Bombs, on Facebook, on Etsy, and on Pinterest. You can also send some love via email.

What Is Coaching and How Can It help You?

Relationship coaching is a life coaching specialization that helps people to create extremely fulfilling personal relationships. A relationship coach can help you set relationship goals, overcome sexual challenges, thrive inside your marriage, build the level of intimacy with your partner, grieve a lost loved-one, or take your long-term romance to the next level. 

It is not necessary to work with both partners in a relationship. Coaching can help clients let go of their painful beliefs and patterns, create a desired relationship vision, and take actions in accordance with the vision. This means individuals are able to enjoy a satisfying relationship even without their partner's participation in the coaching process.

As a dating coach, I also work with people who are not yet in a relationship. I work with singles who have a history of unsatisfying relationships, who have difficulty knowing what they want in a relationship, or just want to stay on track with their plan to find a deeper connection with someone.

Sex coaching facilitates your sexual awareness and fulfillment through healing, education, and empowerment. Sex coaches deal with sex head-on without any blame, shame, or negative judgment so that clients can talk about the things that seem difficult to talk about and get out of shame, guilt and/or fear and into pleasure and fulfillment. I work with both singles as well as couples. 

In couples coaching, I work with both partners, and teach communication, conflict resolution, and utilize other coaching tools meant for couples.

Coaching takes healthy people and makes them high performing. As your coach, I can help you quickly uncover the essence of what you want out of dating, sex, and/or your partnership, guide you around painful issues, and create a safe environment as you face your fears and discover your true desires. 

Contact me for a complimentary 30-minute coaching call.

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colette davenport

Colette Davenport helps healers, empaths, and creatives get their magic back. By ending their secret addictions and self-sabotage, clients gain the clarity, confidence, and direction to take their lives to a whole other dimension. Colette is an international coach and speaker, a published author, and the founder of Badass Empath Academy, the school for gifted people.

“Over the course of 25 years, I've had the honor of helping people heal themselves of chronic illness, reestablish intimacy in sexless marriages, turn struggling businesses into profit-generating ones, and leave the 'safe' job (or relationship) they loathed for a life they LOVED. This is my calling.” — Colette Davenport