How to Heal

How to Heal

These steps will turn your pain around in 24 hours (or less)

For those of us who seek healing we oftentimes get stuck on the HOW. If you’re like me, you’ve done a lot of work to determine the WHAT, that is, what the “wound” actually is. If you haven’t done that yet, I teach a class on core wounds you’ll want to take before doing the following exercise. Knowing what’s at the core of our issues is comforting but just having the awareness isn’t enough.

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How's Your Relationship...with YOURSELF??

How's Your Relationship...with YOURSELF??

Self-esteem is something I used to struggle with BIG TIME.

For years, I did not think I was good enough to be the woman I fantasized about being living the life of my dreams. So while I set goals for myself and envisioned my life when I would reach them, subconsciously, I *knew* I couldn’t really get there. I didn’t deserve that kind of happiness and success. So I would sabotage my efforts and feel like shit about it and “cope” with food or booze or shopping (hello credit card debt!).

And then Lumpy came on the scene and eventually I had to deal with my self-image issues.

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At What Point Do You Say, "Enough is ENOUGH!!"?

At What Point Do You Say, "Enough is ENOUGH!!"?

For me that was this morning. I had just finished cleaning house. My hair was pulled back, I was wearing shorts and a sports bra and I stopped to look at my reflection in the mirror. 

I broke out in tears.

Not only am I too broke to have my deflated breast implant fixed, I can't even afford to spend money on a chicken cutlet. It looks like I've had a unilateral mastectomy. I can only imagine what women who HAVE had that surgery must feel like.

Then there's the fact that I have been living with a tumor for nine years. It's grown well past the point I said I would let it get to before agreeing to have surgery.

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The Birth of a Book (That Will Change Lives)

The Birth of a Book (That Will Change Lives)

I recognize the title of this blog post is bold. It's a lot to live up to, right? The reality is, I might fail miserably at writing this book...and I'm doing it anyway.  

I'm claiming this position because it's what I want to create.

I have a deep desire to create something that gives me great joy, honors my unique gifts and experiences, and offers something useful to others. I've spent this morning writing, as I often do. But this morning, my birthday, I asked to be shown what there is to do now ... and what revealed itself to me is this:

WRITE A BOOK ABOUT SELF LOVE (SELF WORTH)

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The New Normal - Five Steps to Transforming Your Life with Ease

I've been having a lot of conversations lately about 'The New Normal' or what I would describe as a new set-point for daily life.

A specific example of this from my own life is my fitness level. For months and months (and MONTHS) I tried to get consistent with diet and exercise and my yoga practice. I would journal about it and create strategies and and even post about my intentions publicly. And for months and months I failed at achieving the kind of results I wanted.

Today, however, I have even better results than I imagined for myself. So what gives? How did I go from an ongoing battle with myself - which would include a lot of guilt and frustration - to this New Normal where I am strong and lean and feeling really fucking great about myself - effortlessly choosing to eat clean and train at the gym almost every day?

I'll tell ya. And it's not as big of a deal as you might think. Follow these five steps and you will find yourself living a New Normal, too.

STEP 1: Clear Vision

This is the VERY FIRST THING YOU MUST DO to transform any area of your life. The question to ask yourself is, "What do I want to create?". If you don't know your WHAT you'll constantly be in a state of confusion, which is super draining, trust me.

Your WHAT must be deeply compelling. In other words, my WHAT was initially about "losing weight" but that wasn't compelling enough. Then it was "fitting into my clothes". Still not compelling enough. Eventually, my WHAT became "having more than enough energy to do all the things I want to do in a day and feel lean and strong and clear-headed".

If you want to transform your body or relationship or even travel the world, get clear about 'what you want to create' in that area and make sure it's compelling. That is, it has deep significant meaning for you and your experience of life.

STEP 2: Anchors Away

Now that you are connected to WHAT you want to create it's time to release the anchors. And by anchors, I mean the physical and emotional stuff that's weighing you down and keeping you stuck. Think of it like 'clearing clutter'. 

Where are you suppressing, resisting or avoiding? What coping mechanisms or distractions are you allowing to come between you and your desired outcome? What or who are you hanging onto that is no longer serving you?

We all have them. Usually, the most potent of these are emotional. We hold on to physical things and people and patterns of behavior because they keep us insulated (or 'safe') from our lower vibrational feelings. Emotions are powerful and some can be really uncomfortable and disruptive to our lives.

The best advice I can give here is JUMP.  Jump off the mother fucking cliff and see what happens. Yes, you might feel terrified and be in a free fall with the ground coming at you at a thousand miles an hour. I HAVE BEEN THERE. And you know what? You'll find that you have the capacity to FLY. You'll find your wings and soar like an eagle. It happens every time.

STEP 3: Success Set Up

After letting go of the stuff that's not supporting you and your WHAT, it's time to set up environments conducive to your success. This especially includes the people you surround yourself with. 

They say you are the sum of the five people you spend the most time with.

From my experience, this is a #truestory. In my case, my fitness game got amplified by the fact that my best girlfriend - a personal trainer and wellness consultant - moved in with me. I've also been dating men who are into fitness and yoga, eating well and making healthy lifestyle choices. So I'm surrounded by people who inspire and motivate me to be successful.

Not only are the people in your life indicative of your success, your environments play a huge role in it, too. Look around you. Your home - is it a reflection of you and what you want to feel? Or is there just a bunch of random stuff taking up space? What about your work environment? Are you among high-energy happy people who are stoked to be there? Or are things mind-numbing where you can't wait for the day to end? 

Remember this is all about creating YOUR NEW NORMAL so you may have to shatter some old norms to get to the new one. Stay connected to your WHAT and the decisions to break out will be less painful.

STEP 4: Consistent Actions

The key to creating any lasting transformation is consistency. Every action is a CHOICE. 

You have likely been choosing the same actions for a while and thus have the results you currently have. The good news is, when you choose to create a New Normal, you shift your actions and the results follow.

I used to struggle big time with being consistent in my work outs. I recognize now that I was not connected deeply to a compelling WHAT. So my lack of choosing to exercise on a daily basis was a natural response. Now, it's no-brainer to make time in my schedule for the gym, trail, and/or yoga. No 'force' is involved what-so-ever.

My coach helped me assimilate the concept of "where there is no consistency, there is suffering".  Yes, SUFFERING.

Pain and struggle are a part of life. Suffering doesn't have to be. It is a CHOICE.

Choose to do whatever you must to get clear about WHAT you want to create and the rest of these steps will be easy.

STEP 5: Evaluate + Refine + Grow

Ok. That's like three things in one step but they all work in harmony. As you create your New Normal it's imperative that you stay alert and evaluate your progress. Doing so without harsh judgements. Forgive yourself for any fuck-ups along the way. YOU'RE HUMAN. Check in with your support system to help you be objective with this.

Refine or tweak what needs adjustment. This is unavoidable. You will ultimately be growing and evolving in this process and what strategies are workable will, too. So just factor that shit in.

Your personal growth and transformation is the WHOLE POINT here. If you are not motivated to be a better version of yourself and live a more satisfying, fulfilling and badass life ...then stay where you're at. Not growing and evolving is the surest way to repeat the days, weeks, and years you've already lived. 

Plenty of people do it. I'm not one of them and I bet the people you admire aren't either. 

The bottom line is this. You have ONE LIFE. And it's super duper precious and short. You can stay in your current state of normalcy (which may be really great, btw) or you can look at where in your life you are ready to transform / up-level and make that shit happen.

This article is a 5-step process to support those who want a New Normal. I speak from lots of experience here - both in my own life and in my coaching practice. If you really really want a New Normal but don't think you can do it on your own, let's talk. I got you.

Fast-Food Dating and Intimacy: What Not to Do If You're Newly Single

I've been feeling exceptionally needy lately. (Did I really just admit that??) I can't get enough attention. To the point I've been completely distracted from my work. I haven't written or really created anything viable in weeks. How's that for a #truthbomb ??

I've been relying on what I'm going to call "fast-food dating" (aka Tinder & Bumble) to sate my hunger for attention. It's no wonder I'm not experiencing the kind of deep connection I desire.

I knew April was going to be a month of upheaval and distortion but I wasn't prepared for just how wacky it would be or how much I would cling to what felt good. In addition to the astrological impact (have you read about the Scorpio full moon?) I've also started working with a shaman and a holistic doctor to continue my personal healing.

Let me tell you, this shit is *DEEP*.

What I've learned so far is that it's easy to ignore old wounds and seek validation and new "love" from others. It's not as easy to direct my attention inward and be with the wounds so they can heal... or give love and validation to myself.

But I'm working on it daily.

It's been about four months since the conclusion of my 5-year relationship with Matt. If you've been following my blog for sometime, you know that the biggest challenge for me was I didn't feel SEEN.

My desire (actually, this is a human need) for intimacy, connection, and sexual self-expression was all but unmet in that relationship.

So when I started dating again, I was showing up like: "SEE ME...SEE ME...SEE ME!"

Turns out that is NOT the best way to go about dating.

Talk about being 'needy'... and I consider myself pretty damn self-sufficient. I don't need a man to take care of me financially or in most other ways but I am recognizing my need for intimacy. And I get that freaks people out. At least early on...in a fast-food dating environment.

For a long time I've had the fear that no one would be able to see PAST the physical situation I'm dealing with. So when someone did, I got excited and hopeful and ...a little clingy. 

I thought, "Here's someone who's willing to see me... (excited)... and so I'm gonna show him all of me...(premature)...all at once. (foolish)"

Dumb move.

I was oblivious to my overzealous need to be seen and validated that I completely overloaded the spark and short-circuited the connection.

My best girlfriend said it best when she said, "Colette, you're intense. And woo woo."

What there is to get here is the love, intimacy, and validation I seek I must find within and give myself

I've made huge strides over the last eight years in overcoming issues with vanity, self-esteem, self-love, and self-expression - and it would seem there's more work to do.

So with regards to dating, for the time being, I'm just going to pin in it and circle back at a later date.

I'll use this opportunity to up-level the relationship I have with myself. I'll nurture and play with and love and explore what gives me pleasure - sans needing anyone else's validation, attention, or reciprocal participation.

I think this is an important part of being a healthy, happy human being. To be the source of our own self-worth and to unconditionally love ourselves - including our 'flaws' is a necessary foundation for being able to give and receive intimately with others.

I'm finding the relationship with Self requires as much (if not more) ongoing cultivation than the relationships we have with others.

If life truly is all about relationships, then having a super solid one with ourselves, ALL FIVE BODIES , is worth the investment.

 

 

Confessions of a Sex Coach (video 7)

HOLY SHIT!!!! Everything IS connected.

Click image to watch video

Here's the previous post called, Hiding From You.

And here's what I wrote in my Face Book post earlier this week:

Awareness Alert!

I just met someone who has a genetic condition called neurofibromatosis (he looked like the pic of the man below). I can only imagine what life is like for him on a daily basis. I have been hiding my face from the world because of this one lump (which I can camouflage with my hair). He cannot hide and yet he works as a barista at SBUX where hundreds (prob 1000s) of people will see him every day.

 

I've been comparing myself to others - the beauties I see and quietly wish I was more like PHYSICALLY (which includes old photos of myself, btw). But the reality is I AM NOT THEM and I will never be.

I walked away from that coffee joint feeling compassion for that dude and disappointment in myself.

The truth is I currently have a tumor and my judgement of it and my physical appearance is the number one reason I haven't been living my life to its absolute fullest. And as much as I can extend compassion and suspend my judgement of others.... I haven't granted MYSELF that same kindness.

That's what I find disappointing.

A dear friend said to me 2 days ago "Colette, when you come out of hiding and let the world see you, you will have more (love, money, opportunities, etc) than you can handle."

The experience of lack (of love, money, sex, travel) has been prevalent for a while... The awareness I received today from simply buying espresso from that guy at the coffee shop is a huge fucking eye opener for me.

This tumor may grow or shrink or get surgically removed one day. Just like my face will get wrinkles and my tits will sag one day. The thing about that is: SO FUCKING WHAT!

I'm done letting AN IDEA of what I should look like keep me from showing my face (which is representative of SHOWING UP for myself) to the world. I've got something to say and share and it I KNOW it will positively impact the lives of women (and men) everywhere.

So I guess this turned out to be some sort of declaration. (totally unintended 😳) and to the guy at SBUX w neurofibromatosis: THANK YOU for being a mirror for this gal.

I welcome the opportunity to support you... to be a mirror for you.  If you have a challenge you'd like to move past, take advantage of my 30-minute complimentary Clarify & Connect call. Just click the button to schedule.

XOXO, Colette

Confessions of a Sex Coach

Confession: I missed a confession. I've been deep in a personal struggle and have been reluctant to reveal any of it until now.  My hope was that I could "figure it out" and save myself and my partner from the pain of a break up. 

But the truth is this on-going attempt to solve the problem is hijacking my most precious and valuable resource. My energy. 

I realized yesterday that I've been confusing fear and attachment for love and commitment. While there is a vast amount of love present, there's more fear and attachment. I've also been trying to prevent Matt from feeling pain and shutting down. But he's already feeling this and has been closed off from me for some time. Plus, his experiences are not mine to bare, fix, or heal.

I recognize now that REAL LOVE is expansive and inclusive, not limited or confining. Real love does not attach or possess anyone or anything. I have been attached to the IDEA of a real love relationship with Matt, not actually in one.

I've been holding on and hoping for the kind of love and intimacy that come from two people seeing the infinite possibilities in one another and all of humanity. This simply is not where we are and my spirit cannot tolerate the mediocrity of this union any longer.

I have been avoiding speaking my truth and standing up for what I believe and want for my life.  My coping strategy is to 'numb out' with food and television and to isolate myself so as to avoid the pain of a break up.  I haven't trusted myself to handle the hurt. I haven't believed in my ability to be self-sufficient. I haven't honored my greatest gift of generative sexual energy. I've kept myself small and dependent and quiet and subdued.

I've been manipulating the circumstances to insulate myself from the gut-wrenching pain of facing the world ON MY OWN and to keep my soul from total exposure.

There's something deeply satisfying about knowing I can be a complete weirdo and Matt would be there by my side through it all. In fact, he has been.  I've been in a mild to moderate depression for a few years with moments of severity.  Matt has ALWAYS been by my side.  He is relentlessly loyal and selfless in so many ways. I am and will forever be grateful to him for partnering with me on this journey.

I'm not easy to be with. I have cosmic views of life and relationship. My values and beliefs can be uncommon and unpopular even. I want to be free and love openly. I want to be treasured and at the same time allowed to roam, following my whim. I want 'my person' to be there no-matter-what AND I want to be independent.

My thoughts and actions have been erratic because my head and heart have been at odds.

It's time to retrieve my spirit, center myself, and set free the attachments I've had a fucking kung-fu grip on. Give me LIBERTY or give me...some nachos and netflix.

I owe it to myself and to Matt to honor to my highest purpose, my deepest truth.

I am who I am and Matt is who he is and we are not presently loving one another freely. Our love is conditional. It is confining. We are holding on to the idea of REAL LOVE existing between us and that attachment is holding us each back from our greatest lives.

I've tried subtly sacrificing myself, my ideals, my vision for who I want to be in the world. It's not a workable strategy for being happy.  Freedom is my happiness. I am soooo ready for happiness to flood my life and fill my head and heart to the brim.

Freedom + Love = Happiness

Confessions of a Sex Coach (video 6)

Today's confession is all in the video as I am processing my present revelation and will write more when I have something to share.

click on image to watch video

Confessions of a Sex Coach (sans video)

Hello Humans!
I'm feeling a really interesting buzz today. I spent some time meditating in the tub this morning. I'm also reading 2 books by Dr. David R. Hawkins, Power vs. Force and Letting Go. (these are 2 of the 3 books I'm reading at present) The insight I'm getting is all about SURRENDER.

My confession today is this: 

When it comes to energy and emotion (which is just energy IN motion), I've been in a pattern of Express, Suppress, Escape, and Avoid. The result of which is a sludge-like experience in my body and cloudiness in my mind and, I suspect, the lack of flow/abundance in my coaching practice.

Express- The Confessions series is an example of this. I also have moments with Matt in which I reveal my deepest desires and fears. The trouble, however, comes when I only partially express (keeping the real depth hidden) or I fail to follow through on that expression.

Suppress- This is a conscious choice to keep shit to myself or bury it...or in my case, swallow it. This is a very dangerous and debilitating practice. It is the result of on-going fear, shame, guilt and so on. Suppression of feelings (energy/emotions) is the root cause of many, if not all, illness. Yep. I just said that.

Escape- This is probably really familiar to everyone... we normalize escape through television watching, alcohol and drugs, over- or emotional-eating, excessive sleep, meaningless sex, mindless shopping and the like. Each of which I have had personal relationships with. They don't ultimately work, trust me. That thing we're trying to escape? It's still there.

Avoid- Now this is a tricky one. Avoiding can appear like we're doing good. This is the passionate work-aholic, the devoted doting mom, the super fit guy/gal. We all admire these people. It's culturally popular to DO all these things. If we look closely, however, it's very likely each of them is NOT actually feeling what there is to feel. They're not addressing something within the inner-most aspect of themselves. That's why they seek satisfaction in external experiences. Personally, I've avoided facing myself (and addressing my stuff) by trying to "help" others.  The problem in that is I show up with my "stuff" coloring the landscape of the interaction.  This limits my ability to be of great service to people.

When I look at this, it becomes evident that no matter how intent I am on "making it happen" or manifesting my vision, if I don't address the energy crisis I will not succeed. That's where the concept of "surrender" comes in.  

Letting go is not an action inasmuch as it is a quality.  In other words, there's nothing I have to DO to experience surrender. Of course, there are practices that will support this way of being like meditation, yoga, breathwork, etc. But the true essence of surrender is a state of being.

When I talk about states of being, I am referring to joy, love, peace, as well as fear, helplessness, anxiety.  These are all examples of states we humans experience. The common misconception around states of being is we think there's something we have to DO to experience them. Not true. That's GOOD NEWS, friends! You can be in the shittiest circumstances and, through surrender, immediately experience peace. You can be all bogged down with worry and stress and surrender in the moment, and literally in an instant, feel love or hope.

This is the new addition to my strategy for manifesting my vision. Surrender. 

Here are a few words from my morning journal sesh that followed my meditation:

Express, Suppress, Escape, and Avoid.  This has been my pattern. I am here-by breaking it on behalf of my intention to heal. I now surrender to what is. I now let go of the past and present feelings and thoughts that contribute to that pattern. I now release the sludge from my body and the blocks from my energy field. I now command the clouds to clear from my mind and all of my body's systems to instantly restore to their optimal functions. I am now willing to be the source for all my needs and wants. I am now willing to surrender to God and Goddess and Universal Mind. I am now willing to to be guided by the Great Force, Nature herself. I am now FREE.

I realize this post may be a little "out there" for some people.  That's a-ok.  Since the purpose of the Confessions project is my own growth and healing, I'm not sharing this to get popularity points.  I trust that my public display of personal growth is doing some good beyond my own limited experience.  And just as a heads-up, if you are human you have "stuff" that resides in your inner-most Self that wants to be addressed.  Consider that you are here to do just that. :)

Thanks for allowing me this expression of mySelf.