Couples: If You're Fighting More Than You're Fucking - Here's Why (and How to Change That)

Couples: If You're Fighting More Than You're Fucking - Here's Why (and How to Change That)

Now don't get all huffy because I said "fucking". I needed to grab your attention because you know as well as I do that the persistent arguing with your man has got to stop.

Whatever you're fighting about, it's keeping you awake at night, making you forget stuff at work... and guess what? The kids, if they're younger, are fussy and acting up or if they're older, are hiding out in their room or staying away from home - to avoid the chaos of mom and dad.

And the biggest problem: you think it's them.

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The Secret to Staying Intimately Connected While Running a Company

The Secret to Staying Intimately Connected While Running a Company

Sex and intimacy are what differentiate a marriage from a friendship or other kind of partnership. If you're married and not cultivating this aspect of the relationship, you can expect it to break down eventually. I've seen this happen so many times with clients and I have personally experienced it my own relationship.

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Problems with PME?

GUYS- If you're challenged with PME then stop FUCKING your partner!

Tantra is not going to teach you some technique to fuck her longer. 
Tantra is about CONSCIOUS CONNECTION to yourself and your lover (And really, all of life). So if you want the act of sex to last longer then explore it as a vehicle for your mutual pleasure, connection, and expansion.

Tantra is a way of BEING that includes sexual self expression.


I know the media (ok, porn) has done a bang-up job of brainwashing you into thinking the longer and harder you can fuck, the better lover you are. WRONG!

What makes a masterful lover is your ability to be fully present, to enter into the encounter WITHOUT expectations but with genuine curiosity for what will bring you both pleasure at that particular time, along with patience, interest and intrigue in your bodies, and a willingness to be vulnerable at times and commanding at others.

Plus, sex is WAY MORE than just penetration. The word, "foreplay" is a joke if you ask me. Don't think of massage or oral or petting or making out or the use of toys as just the opening act that leads up to the main event. MIX IT UP. Enjoy all these things at random. OF COURSE she's going to be disappointed if all that goes down is a minute-long make out followed by you entering her and orgasming before she even gets her head in the game. Women tend to require a ramp up period to get fully aroused. Just because you can get erect in a moment's notice and blow your load lickety-split doesn't mean jack -- DO NOT relate your "sexual arousal and pleasure process" to a woman's. You will only mind-fuck yourself if you do.

And if you feel you are already doing this and you still come right away...then HAVE MORE SEX that way your body isn't over excited at the idea of her vagina enveloping your penis.

BOTTOM LINE is sex is a PART OF WHO YOU ARE (the very CORE ESSENCE, in fact) and expressing this aspect of yourself can be big-time pleasurable and fun and spiritually awakening even. If it's not, I promise it's not because you need to learn some new technique to last longer.

Want to actually LEARN how to be, do, and have what I just talked about? Call me. I teach tantra. Couples and women welcome, too. (and NO, I don't have sex with students...duh.)

P.S.  I get so many calls from men wanting a "quick fix" for this issue and they think tantra is going to give them the magic technique to keep fucking longer. When I share that my Tantra Program is 3 months long and is actually a spirituality-based personal growth and development program and that we don't have sex of any kind together they say "oh. ok thanks." and hang up. I KNOW men (and women) are not getting the level of satisfaction they want from sex. It's because we have all been taught THE WRONG THINGS about it. And yet we are ultimately driven by the deep desire to CONNECT how about we LEARN HOW to do that in a way that actually serves us?

Confessions of a Sex Coach (video 6)

Today's confession is all in the video as I am processing my present revelation and will write more when I have something to share.

click on image to watch video

Couples Tantra

Over the years, I have had the great honor to work with loving couples who want to AMPLOVEFY their sensual physical~spiritual connection.  The following is a recap of how one particular program originated for a very cool couple-client.

Normally, when coaching couples, I work with one person at a time, creating a safe and judgement-free space for that person's exploration and expression of their wondrous body, mind, and spirit.  They then have a monthly joint session to weave together their learning and growth.  In the case of this couple, however, the intention remained the same but the energy was more playful and so they chose to dive into Tantra.  

The intimacy, sensuality, and connection was already present between these two partners, and they were prepared to explore and express TOGETHER, evolving their bond.

After a consultation to get clear about where each partner was at that moment, and where they wanted to go jointly, we stepped into the Sanctuary.  To bring ease and fluidity into the body we moved through a few couples yoga postures before a guided meditation.  The meditation took the couple through the Chakras, or energy centers within the body, and was also a conscious breathing exercise.  After creating a foundation for connection and "Feeling rather than Thinking", we shifted into sensual full body massage.

He was the first recipient.  Together she and I gave  him a loving, compassionate, slow, mindful massage working from head to toe.  Teaching someone the art of sensual massage was extremely rewarding for me.  Additionally, the openess and acceptance this couple expressed to one another is truly inspiring!  When he was well tended to, the couple switched giver and receiver so that he and I could spread the love-treatment over her body next.  I think she may have mentioned that his skills improved in that mini-massage coaching session.  Gentlemen take note!  Ladies LOVE a skilled sensual massage from their lover!!

The loving energy was quite palpable so I slipped out of the Sanctuary and allowed the couple to complete their time together how they saw fit.

This was as much a rewarding experience for me as I believe it was for the beautiful couple.  Clearly, what there is to do for me now is develop more around this type of session...maybe a program? the near future. (AND THIS IS HOW TANTRIC 6 WAS BORN)

And so here's a "heads-up" to all my marvelous male clients: Imagine how glorious it could be if you and your wife/girlfriend had the skill and the mind-set to give each other a FULL BODY SENSUAL MASSAGE at home!

Hmmmm....Sensual Touch Training Program?

Is Tantra something you're curious about but feel like it might be too "woo woo"?  I used to feel the same way!  So in response, I have translated the ancient wisdom and practices into a modern-day language and application the the most UNhippie person can benefit from.  Call 512-491-9774 for a convo with me about it!

XOXO, cd

P.S.  After several sessions with this couple I received the touching comments below.

My wife and I started our journey with you over a year ago, and it has been one of the most rewarding experiences of our lives. We were not sure what we would be in for, and have been truly blessed to have met you and have you in our lives. It was scary to allow someone into our intimate space, but you are now one with us spiritually… and for that we are forever intertwined with you. You are truly a blessing to our lives and hope that in some way we have been the same for you.We are extremely excited about where your future leads you, and know that we are better for having met and had this experience of growth with you. -- J & N

Confessions of a Sex Coach (video 1)

What I'm about to reveal to you is one of my deepest, darkest secrets (kinda).  

Through my personal growth and development I've come to the conclusion that the number one reason that we as human beings struggle and stress is: WE ARE OUT OF INTEGRITY.  Is it really that simple?  Yep.  But it's not easy to stay in or return to integrity when ya don't know where the misalignment lies.

I have the fortune of being supported (and challenged) by a great coach AND inner circle of friends who honor my intention to expand my capacity as a human being and "never stop growing". AND I STILL GET OUTTA WHACK!  But when the light finally shines on where I'm out of integrity and I see how it impacts my life and the lives of the people I love, my only job is to re-align and restore it.  

My confessions are the first step in coming clean with myself and the world.  I am doing this to vocalize the misalignment and expose myself (because I am so not perfect!) and then share my process for re-aligning with what matters most.  I imagine I'm not the only one who harbors the kinds of secrets I am about to reveal...and if through this public display of personal growth someone else is inspired to grow, then I have honored one of my biggest values: service.

Since I'm inviting others to trust me and my coaching process... promising to amplify passion, pleasure, and play in the {love} lives of women everywhere... I damn sure better be a living example of what that looks like.  The following represents my commitment to that...and to calling myself out when I'm not. 

Click on photo to watch the video

Now that you've watched the video.  I'm going to outline my process for manifesting the vision.  

Step 1: TUNE IN 

Here's WHAT'S SO (or the issue as I see it).  My life in reality looks nothing like the one in my imagination/vision.  Check it out...

  • I suck at being consistent -- with exercise, clean eating, paying down debt, writing, etc.  
  • I've never actually had a bonafied business before and I'm not sure I can hack it as an entrepreneur.
  • Inner conflict #1: I want help/support with the day-to-day and I feel like I have to do it all myself. 
  • Inner conflict #2: I want to speak/present to large audiences and I'm scared shitless to be seen. 
  • I haven't had sex in months. (how's that for a confession?)  

In my vision, however, I aspire to be someone who is sexy, lean, and strong as a result of consistent healthy choices.  I can see myself debt free and able to build my dream home while contributing resources to others in need. I can also feel what it would be like to have a full practice and be known as a Big, Bold, Badass Entrepreneurial Goddess elevating other 3B.E.Gs like myself.  I imagine being supported by a rock-star team who schedules all my appointments, including the paid presentations/talks I confidently give on a regular basis.  Oh, and I have a sex life that is expansive, energizing, and honors all my desires to explore the intimate and sexual potential of my relationship and body.

As you can see there's a discrepancy between who I intend to be and who I'm ACTUALLY being, what I'm ACTUALLY doing, and what I ACTUALLY have as a result.

Tweet: INTEGRITY is the alignment between one's calling /commitments and their actions. INTEGRITY is the alignment between one's calling /commitments and their actions.

Since I'm called and committed to being the person in my vision, I will explore what is out of alignment. This is important to me for three reasons.

  1. I believe everyone deserves both a super successful professional life and an extremely satisfying personal life.
  2. I know that the kind of work I'm here to do requires me to be a leader, and leadership does not exist in mediocrity. 
  3. When I am living with integrity, manifesting my vision and being the person I am capable of being, I feel fucking AMAZING.

So the next thing to consider is, "What are the environments, patterns, and habits that contribute to the current misalignment?"

Step 2: TURN ON

Having painted a picture of what I intend my life to look like, my vision, now I'll look at the structures, or externals, in place that need to be revamped.

Tweet: Guiding Structure means the structure of your Environment is the largest determinant of your behavior. Guiding Structure means the structure of your Environment is the largest determinant of your behavior.

Q: If I am inconsistent with exercise and healthy food choices, what can I do to make those choices easier?  

A: Work out with a partner for a more interesting and inspiring environment. Shop regularly and pre-make heat-and-eat meals to have healthy choices in my environment.  Reward myself with something fun like a summer dress or an indulgent meal at Uchi once a month for remaining consistent (because pretty dresses and sushi make the environment a thousand times better).

Q: What do I need to create so that I can effortlessly contribute a percentage of my monthly revenue to debt (and then savings)?

A: A steel trap that would eat my hand off if I tried to withdraw dolla bills, yo! (kidding, no I'm not)  Clearly, I have not worked out the environment that supports my intention.  I could use your help here.  What are your tricks for putting a percentage of your income away? (comment below, please!)

Q: What gets in the way of my writing every week?

A: To-do's and social media and email, and ...  The truth is I am not honoring my sacred practice, which for me is writing.  Crazy thing is, I actually have a room in my home AND an office that are perfect environments for I am recommitting to writing.  (on that note, there are other practices that are sacred, meditation, yoga, and being in nature...and I haven't been honoring them either.  That ends NOW.)

Q: What about my intimate relationship am I tolerating?

A: Oh, man. This is the sensitive stuff.  I feel like it's the BIG ONE, though.  I suspect this is the bulls eye.  This is the most dis-jointed aspect of my life that impacts all the others. The lack of my FULL self-expression in this area is what makes me feel like a fraud.  I'm a sex coach for fuck's sake!

Ok.  Here goes.  I'm tolerating the excuses of lack of time and energy and confidence and focus and finances and being in the mood and businesses to build and BULLSHIT like that. I'm tolerating an intimate relationship with a man where we are disconnected, dissatisfied and dis-eased.  I'm tolerating an unhealthy co-dependent relationship. Crap.  (big exhale)

I have to admit, confessing that feels really good.

So what is there to DO about it?  Well, I could leave.  End the me I've thought about it. A lot. Or I could recommit to creating a thriving intimate AND SEXUAL relationship with my guy. I know option B takes work.  I know I have to be willing to release resentment.  I know I have to SEE HIM differently.  I know I have to grow to achieve that goal. I know I have to communicate this in a way that engages him (rather than demeans or degrades him). I know I am capable of all of this and that it's what I really truly want.  


Huh.  Coincidence?  Doubtful.

I can see the absolute relevance of what I'm experiencing and how going through it will only deepen my empathy and strengthen my ability to serve others through the manifestation of the vision.

Kinda cool if you look at it that way.

Now for the internals.  What thoughts or beliefs are holding me back from manifesting my vision?

Here's where I look at the inner conflicts for clues.  What does the thought, "I have to do it all myself" keep me from?  What is it about being seen that I'm afraid of?  What do I think I'll have to sacrifice to be a successful entrepreneur?  What do I believe that causes me to tolerate a sub-satisfactory love & sex life?

The answers are probably obvious to you...but this is where I encounter my blind spots. This is where getting coaching is so freaking powerful. (note to self: get coaching on this in the next session)

Good news!  My coaching session was super productive and revealed this: I resist being RESPONSIBLE.  

Being a leader, being successful, being an employer, being on stage or in the public eye, being the woman in my vision (who is fully self-expressed sexually, among other things) requires a higher level of responsibility than I have ever taken for my life.  That shit is scary!

To actually live in alignment with my vision, to be 100% in integrity I must be willing to be FULLY RESPONSIBLE for all that comes with it.  All of it.  

Now I see why I wasn't stepping effortlessly into the (badass Brian Atwood) shoes of the woman in my vision.

Part of my strategy, then, includes noticing when the fear of responsibility stops me from taking action.  Checking that old hag of a pattern when she shows up to drag me down will be an ongoing practice fo sho!


Time to talk strategy.  The "type A" folks out there will love this stuff.  This is the HOW I get from where I'm at to where I want to be (remember that sexy, sophisticated, and successful woman in my vision?).

What better way to appease your organizational brain then to articulate my strategy with an infographic!



This is the final step in the process of transformation. I do, however, have to point out that it's not a hard-line finish.  One's personal development is not a fast food, impulse buy, "set it and forget it" thing. What I mean by that is once a goal is reached or a vision manifest, one of two things happen.  

One: A new vision/goal is created, enhancing the current one, and the process begins again.

Two: The need for maintenance and ongoing check-ins with the process have the manifested vision remain intact.

Since I've set the timer to ding in 6 months, I will ask the specific question, "Does my life reflect my vision?" And along the way, let's say every 10 days or so, I will check in to see if I am in integrity.  That is, "Are my actions in alignment with my commitments/calling?"

What it boils down to is: I am doing my AMPLOVEFY Custom Coaching Program, and leveraging the sessions I have with with my coach, Alicia Marie.  What you can expect from me are video "confessions" on the 10th, 20th and 30th of every month and accompanying blog updates (like this one) with a break down of my strategies and such.

Let me just be totally transparent.  I don't know how this will turn out and I am committed to doing it anyway.  I believe so strongly in the coaching process and my programs that I am willing to put myself on public display.  

This work matters to me so much and I want to manifest the vision so freaking bad that I am willing to stand "naked" in front of everyone and reveal my deepest darkest secrets in order to bring light to the areas that keep me from being the Big, Bold, Badass version of myself.

I do this not because I'm an exhibitionist (ok, maybe I do like being in front of the camera) but because I believe there are other women out there, like me, who will benefit from this in some positive way.  

When I got hip to my purpose and potential, I made it my profession to amplify passion, pleasure, and play in the {love} lives of women everywhere... and now I intend to lead by example.  Simple as that.

Stay tuned for more...


5 Things I Learned About Sex from Working with 272 Men and 4 Women Last Year

1. Men are actively seeking to improve themselves as sexual beings.  You might think women are all about personal growth and development and for the most part you’d be right.  But when it comes to sex, men are hungry to explore and expand their knowledge and skills.  I have the privilege of being one of the first responders when men decide it’s time to evolve their capacity as sexual beings.  

Of course, that’s not how most of my clients phrase it at first.  The more common statement I hear is one related to “lasting longer” or “being better at sex”.  As we explore the motivations for each person in their specific circumstance, the overwhelming majority of men get to the core of the matter and reveal the REAL driving force as something like “a deep longing to connect openly and freely with their partner”. In other words, they want intimacy.  Intimacy is a common component in personal growth.  It’s what allows us to truly be seen and heard by others.  

Tweet: Sexual intimacy is one of the most profound ways we get to experience being fully seen, acknowledged, and accepted by another human being.

Sexual intimacy is one of the most profound ways we get to experience being fully seen, acknowledged, and accepted by another human being.    

We are literally naked, that is, physically.  And when we match that nakedness with emotional and spiritual vulnerability something otherworldly occurs.  We experience a timeless Ego-less presence to the miraculous being-ness that we truly are.  Pretty cool.  I suspect THAT’S the undercover culprit of men’s desire to improve themselves sexually.  The rampant push to perform better is merely modern day cloak concealing a Universal truth -- we seek intimate connection.

2. Men find it difficult to speak to their wives about their sexual appetites or perceived lack of sexual abilities. When I inquire as to what keeps them from opening up or being vulnerable my clients reveal reasons ranging from fear and insecurity to not knowing how to talk about it.  Sometimes  they’ve been judged so harshly they have almost completely shut down the masculine sexual energy, or consciousness, that longs to be expressed.  (btw, women have masculine sexual energy, too)  

When it comes to being intimate and vulnerable, we are required to “take off the mask” of the Ego.  But the Ego fights to keep itself intact.  After all, it’s this contrived character that we identify with and so if we relinquish that sense of ourselves, who are we?  Great question.  But it’s one we perceive as so immense and existential that we shy away from it.  Who has the time or bandwidth to solve such a riddle?  

In today’s culture we rely on celebrities and magazines and corporate, government, and religious officials to tell us who we are.  The problem with that is they are all in the business of manufacturing the truth (to maintain status quo) rather than revealing it.  

So at best, we’re mindlessly following false images and at worst we’re being manipulated into being disconnected, dissatisfied and diseased.  

This is especially true when it comes to sex.  When men are “told” who they are supposed to be (at work, in society, or in the bedroom) they develop a relentless pursuit of accomplishing that in order to live up to who they think they should be.  The trap being it’s a false image.  It ain’t the truth.  The reality is men and women alike are gifted with unique desires and a natural appetite for sexual self-expression.  

The contrived characters and manufactured false images suggest one thing and the masculine sexual energy (aka consciousness)  desires another.  Conflict ensues.  The result is men are uncertain or fearful of speaking to their wives about sex.  And I think it’s safe to draw the conclusion that this unfortunate challenge is true for women as well.

>>>>>>Check out this FREE live training<<<<<<

3. Men crave compassionate loving non-sexual touch.  When presented with the offer to enhance coaching with relaxation practices (meditation, breath and energy work, and therapeutic massage), 96% of my clients opted to do so.  Why?  Because they’re stressed the fuck out.  Again, why?  Refer to number two above.  

We are all stressed out trying to live up to a manufactured ideal.  And for some, the concept of compassionate loving non-sexual touch is foreign.  The powers that be would have us all believe that human touch implies sexual intent and therefore a performance of some sort is required.  That just reinforces the mask of the Ego or the drive to differentiate ourselves from one another and the source of our being.  

It is a great privilege of mine to introduce people to a powerful healing and nurturing practice. This practice, when done with a crystal clear intention, can be very intimate and non-sexual.  As a bonus, I encourage my clients to share the practice with their sweetie...and see what depth of connection results.

4. Men and women could use an an advanced education in being human.  The sexual phenomenon I observe is this: People are dissatisfied and disconnected and, quite frankly, dis-eased because they think sex is an ACT to be measured and rated in terms of performance.  Collectively, there’s also a rampant belief that sex is all about certain body parts.  

How many people do you know, that when it comes to sex and sex appeal, compare body parts?  Guys will go on and on about being a boob- or butt- or leg-man.  And women talk about their satisfaction relative to the size of a man’s penis.  What’s with the superficiality?  Oh, right.  That’s what’s being sold to us via the media and those in “power” who’re making a buck off that shit.  

Here’s the deal, sex is NOT an act, it is not measurable, it’s most certainly not a performance AND it involves the entire HUMAN BEING (not just penis and vagina and couple other body parts).  The pervasive perspective creates a lot of frustrated and disengaged people.  How do I know?  Read the title of this article again.  

So what, then, is sex?  Sex, or more specifically, the sexual body is a part of who you are.  It contains both masculine and feminine energies.  It’s one of 5 bodies that make up the human being.  What are the other 4? I’ll save that for another day.  But rest assured, I am here to expose the truth!

5. Women are into Tantra.  OK, my sample is a little skewed but every woman I work with expresses a desire to experience more.  More of themselves, more of their partners, more intimacy, more pleasure, more fulfillment in their relationship and life.  That’s what Tantra has to offer.  

My personal mission is to amplify passion, pleasure, and play in the bedrooms of people everywhere by supporting integrity, harmony, and vitality in each of us.  Coaching, teaching tantra and writing about sex and relationships are my tools.  Although my practice thus far has been built by men seeking to overcome challenges pertaining to masculine sexual energy I believe feminine energy (aka REAL power) will restore the harmony that they and our culture long for.  When understood, sexual energy has the potential to create sustainable joy, connection, abundance, and ecstasy.  And not just sexually.  If we have the power to create NEW LIFE unconsciously, imagine what we can create when we are conscious and responsible and are no longer slaves to false images and contrived characters.

What do you think?  Leave a comment below and let us know!  

Want a private one-on-one conversation with Colette?  CLICK HERE to apply for a complimentary 45-minute Clarify & Connect call today!


5 Techniques to Reengage Romance

Much like a weight loss program, it’s easy for the romance in relationships to plateau.  Couples get busy conducting the symphony that is life--deadlines, homework, soccer practice, car payments, grocery shopping, etc.  Without proper nurturing in place, partners can lose interest in the “glue that binds” if they feel they’re being taken for granted, their basic needs are being unmet, or worse, they cease to see themselves as lovers all-together. 

In my work as a relationship coach, I’ve repeatedly observed that coming unglued intimately in a marriage can lead to “roommates syndrome” where two people are simply coexisting, managing the logistics of life, rather than thriving as a love-unit (yes, I just made that word up).  With that said, I’ve created 5 romance nurturing techniques designed to help you dust off your love-unit (see what I did there?), and start becoming the thriving power couple of your dreams.


1. All About Timing

If you’re struggling to keep up the passion in the bedroom, you may want to consider your timing.  We are all busy in today’s world so the end of the day, that is, right before bed may not be the most sexually charged time for a couple.  Come up with some alternative windows that allow for a little body-to-body contact.  Upon waking?  In the shower?  Keep in mind romance and passion don’t mean sexual intercourse exclusively.  In reality, for a lot of couples (especially those with kiddos) time to ravish each other sexually for hours is rare.  Sexual intimacy, however, doesn’t have to be.  Remember when the relationship was new?  I bet you made time to hug and squeeze and nibble and caress each other then.  Don’t underestimate the power of a good long kiss...and a sexy ass grab.

2. Explore Different Environments

This may take a little work but I promise it’s worth it.  Take to the outdoors.  Go for a walk together and talk about all things sexy and romantic.  Think back to your dating days and how just talking about making out or making love would raise your sensual spirits.  Book a hotel room.  A nice one, where you can both escape the everyday tasks that fill the never-ending to-do list and just be lovers.  Or light up the candles, slather on the silky sheets, crank up Marvin Gaye, and turn your ordinary bedroom into a love den for the night. Okay your turn, what other environments would inspire you to be playful or frisky with your partner?  

3. Set Up a Pre-Arranged Romance Plan

Have you ever heard of a drip marketing campaign?  It’s where a business sets up an automated plan to reach its customers on an ongoing basis to keep them interested in their product or service.  You get where I’m going here?  Instead of having to come up with new sexy-time ideas every week when your mind is in work or parenting mode (because when is it not?) take a page out of the professional marketing book and pre-arrange little things to “touch” your sweetie consistently in an effort to keep them interested in romance.  Maybe come up with a dozen bigger gestures (one for each month) and a half dozen smaller ones that you can rotate through the year.  Here are a few ideas: Flowers, date night, a massage, a poem (it doesn’t have to be written by you), and lingerie -- for HER. A tech gadget, a tie and/or pocket square, a sexy photo of yourself, a massage, and a invitation to be pampered -- for HIM.  You know your lover best.  What would make them feel special and acknowledged as a sexual being?  Do that.  Do it consistently.

4. Topics of Conversation--Hot or Not?

When we get into a groove of managing life’s challenges we tend to talk about what’s not working and, consequently, solutions to our problems.  Not sexy or romantic. While those conversations can be very productive and necessary, they don’t often lead to love making.  I’m certainly not suggesting you stop communicating about the issues that you face, they need to be expressed.  But what might get stirred up if you brought light, playful, fun, intimate conversation to the table as well?  Can you think of a topic of conversation that’s laced with romance and desire that interests you both?  You may have to get creative here or curious.  The point is this, all work and no play (conversationally) makes for a less-than-romantic relationship.

5. Become a Curious George 

That little monkey is always getting into something!  His curious spirit takes him on adventures big and small.  He has a wonderlust that keeps him constantly learning new things.  Now imagine how applying that same curiosity to your intimate relationship could reengage romance.  A common trap we all fall into is resigning to “know” each other.  We think the person we’re with is “this way” or “that way” or we assume there’s nothing more to explore so we give up trying.  It doesn’t have to be that way.  If you adopt a Curious George perspective, new opportunities for romance open up.  To put it simply, “thinking you already know” shuts things down.  Being curious opens them up.  Plus, it’s way more fun!

I challenge you to try on one or two (or go bold and tackle all 5) of these techniques this week.  Running a business, meeting deadlines, tending to the house and bills, and rearing the kids is super important. And so is’s the glue that binds an intimate partnership.  If you take action now (and be consistent) you can prevent it from drying out and crumbling.

Ladies Only: Bringing Tantra Into The Bedroom

By Jamie Beckman on

Reignite Your Love Connection with Tantra

To get to the heart of what tantric sex actually means, we caught up with Mark Michaels and Patricia Johnson, authors of Great Sex Made Simple: Tantric Tips to Deepen Intimacy and Heighten Pleasure, who schooled us in the ways of the tantra — and how regular women (yep, that's you!) can get the most out of their sex lives using tantric techniques.

How Sting got it wrong

If you take away nothing else from this story, remember that the 5,000-year-old Eastern spiritual practice of tantric sex does not mean that you have to make love for hours. Instead, enlightenment and having a reverence for your partner that lasts beyond the length of any orgasm is at the core of the teachings, Michaels and Johnson say.

"It's funny that a comment Sting made over 20 years ago still has an enduring hold on the public's imagination," the couple says. "He's tried to explain it away or recant it in various ways. At one point, he said that he regretted making the statement and didn't really feel he could talk about the subject beyond saying that his wife, Trudy, is his church. That's much closer to what the spirit of tantric sex is all about."

"In the classical sexual ritual, the participants worship each other as embodiments of deities. We encourage people to bring an attitude of reverence into their lovemaking and to all their interactions. The tantric approach has far more to do with your mental approach than with technique. It's certainly got nothing to do with bragging about staying power."

But in tantric sex, you can feel pleasure longer...

"That said, prolonged lovemaking is part of the tradition," Michaels and Johnson say. "The tantrics of old recognized that orgasm can be a mystical experience, often the most readily accessible mystical experience of all. During orgasm, the mind goes quiet, and you may feel a sense of merger — be it with a partner or even with all that is.

For most of us, the transcendent potential in sex is something that's experienced only briefly, during the orgasm itself. If you extend arousal and focus on building it (this need not include genital intercourse), you may start to feel this sense of union well before you have an orgasm, and it is likely to last far longer than it would in more conventional lovemaking. So making it last is a means to an end, not an end in itself. If you can stay turned on for a half hour or so, you're likely to experience the altered state of consciousness we just described."

How to incorporate elements of tantric sex into your own bedroom: Header h3 with numbers to the side

Focus on your breathing and your (and your partner's) reaction to touch

"It's fairly common for people to check out during sex, to do things by rote and without a whole lot of reflection. Paying attention to what you're experiencing in your body, the way you are breathing and how your partner is responding are all very important," the couple says.

Give and receive — start with kisses

"To take this a step further, people tend to interact sexually based on a set of tacit understandings: Basically, I'll do you for a while, and then you can do me, and if we're lucky, we'll both have a good experience," Michaels and Johnson say.

"We encourage people to separate giving and receiving in a very methodical way. For example, it's great to experiment with giving and receiving kisses. Take a couple of minutes and allow your partner to kiss you and explore your mouth with his tongue. Then reverse roles. When you're kissing, see how fully you can give yourself over to the active role. When you're receiving, surrender to the experience completely."

Take 60 minutes and give each other a massage — but no sex yet!

"Set aside an hour or so to give and receive full body massages (culminating with genital stimulation but not intercourse). Do this on different days. As with the kissing exercise, the role of the giver is to give as fully as possible, and the role of the receiver is simply to receive. Taking this activity out of the realm of foreplay and keeping the roles clearly defined may help you discover new sources of pleasure, and may also give you new insights into the way you interact with your partner both in and out of bed."

Break a taboo by just talking about sex

"Many traditional tantric practices involved breaking cultural taboos, and there were many in medieval India," the couple says. "This was true both in the context of sexual ritual and more generally. In the simplest terms, the violation of these cultural norms had a liberating effect. Of course, we don't live in a society that has such clearly defined social rules, but we all have our own self-imposed limitations and our habitual ways of being, in lovemaking and more generally in life. If you can shed some of your inhibitions, you're likely to experience more pleasure. Talking frankly about sex is a big taboo for many, so for many, having frequent and explicit conversations about sex is a great first step."

Explore a personal sexual taboo together

"If you want to get a little bolder, you can identify a couple of personal taboos (you can also do this as a couple by identifying shared taboos), and then decide on one that you might be interested in breaking," Michaels and Johnson say. "Don't pick anything huge at first; it might just mean making love with the lights on or experimenting with light bondage, sensory deprivation or role-play. The purpose is to become more flexible and aware and to be less limited by preconceived ideas about yourself. Sometimes we deprive ourselves of a lot of pleasure by thinking, 'I'm not the kind of person who would enjoy that.'"

Your Relationship: From Fucked to Fabulous!

Does it feel like your connection is slipping away?  Is the "sexual spark" a bit dull? Are you lacking confidence?

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I've dedicated my life to understanding HOW and WHY we are the way we are around sex, intimacy, body-image, communication, and relationship. And honestly, it’s because of my 23 year “obsession” with this stuff that I also KNOW WHAT ACTUALLY WORKS to heal our shame, overcome our issues, gain confidence, and have loving satisfying relationships. (Intimacy Manifesto)

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Here's something to keep in mind: 
I do not give advice or tell you what to do. I'm not your mother, your spouse, or your counselor. Coaching is not therapy. So while you have my committed listening and unwavering support, this work is only a good fit for people who value personal growth, are ready to harness their strengths and abilities, and create a kick-ass relationship and life.  

Is this you? Let's find out!

With HONOR and LOVE,