Couples: If You're Fighting More Than You're Fucking - Here's Why (and How to Change That)

Now don't get all huffy because I said "fucking". I needed to grab your attention because you know as well as I do that the persistent arguing with your man has got to stop.

Whatever you're fighting about, it's keeping you awake at night, making you forget stuff at work... and guess what? The kids, if they're younger, are fussy and acting up or if they're older, are hiding out in their room or staying away from home - to avoid the chaos of mom and dad.

And the biggest problem: you think it's them.

You blame and resent your husband for not hearing you or understanding what you need. You wish he'd chill with the question "what's the matter, are you not attracted to me anymore?" And pray that he'll step up and be the father and partner to you you know he's capable of being. But instead of lovingly asking for (and getting) the help you need, you're shut down emotionally and end up doing it all yourself. You work your ass off trying to keep it all together and you are fucking exhausted. So SEX??  Ha! Ya right...

Add to that your stress and anxiety about the kid's A.D.D. or depression or eating disorder. When in reality, these issues are a reflection of what you're feeling - overwhelmed, helpless, and out of control.

If you feel like I just took a sharp hot poker and shoved in your gut... you're probably also feeling enormous amounts of guilt right now. That's good.

I want you to feel the pain you've been avoiding or numbing out or tolerating. You have to FEEL IT TO HEAL IT. You cannot avoid it and expect it to go away on it's own. And trust me when I say, no amount of wine or shopping or pain killers will do the trick. I tried that.

If you want to see calm, loving, and satisfying behaviors from the people you love then you must become calm, loving and satisfied. That, my dear, is the path to a happy healthy marriage, family, and life. So how do you become calm, loving, and satisfied?

Get out of your head and into your heart.

There are numerous methods to support that practice: yoga, meditation, and deep breathing, etc. All of which I highly recommend but for my practical-minded tribe of type-A women, here's a strategy you can implement today that has proven effective with my private clients.

This strategy is focused on communication. Your communication can be either ego-based or love-based. Ego-based communication is full of judgment, expectation, and really only allows for a narrow perspective. Often times 'control' and the 'fight to be right' come from this place. By contrast, heart-based communication is loving and cooperative. You're able to be present and see other points of view. And really, you're communicating in an effort to understand and connect.

The problem is most career women have come to rely on their intellect to achieve success. In other words, they hang out in their heads where ego resides. Which is useful at the office, and a detriment at home. (see my video for how to get out of work mode) Thus, when you attempt to communicate with your intimate partner, there's an unconscious drive to be right. This is where the equally unconscious need to control comes from - and that behavior is a pain in everyone's ass. When you act this way with your husband, it implies he's not 'good enough' or capable of doing it 'right' which leaves him feeling rejected and kind of worthless.

When a man feels useless, his identity is challenged and he does one of two things. He either retreats or he fights back. 

Has your husband stopped trying, as in he's checked out? Or are you two fighting over every little thing, where it feels like you are nowhere near on the same page anymore?

Sorry sis, but part of that is your ego's 'need to control and be right' at play.

Here's the thing, you are not alone. And it is not your fault. You either haven't learned high-level communication skills or you're having trouble putting them into action because you haven't healed the guilt and dealt with the resentment. (I have a specialized system for that, btw)

Let's see where you're at right now.

Are you resisting - fighting to be right? (which could sound like talking shit about me in your head) Or are you open and receptive to what I'm sharing and generous with your listening?

To make any kind of change whatsoever, you have to be willing and open minded to the possibility that your point of view could be "wrong". Listen up, that does not make YOU wrong.

Your ego, btw, will fight tooth and nail to avoid being wrong. But you are not your ego. It is a part of you, designed to keep you 'safe'. It's always in fear and seeks only to avoid pain. That's its job. 

Your heart is where Spirit resides. This is the part of you that is truth and love.

I bet the truth is you love your husband and deeply desire the kind of connection you once felt. I'm guessing you want to be free of the stupid fights and actually enjoy some sexy time. My gut tells me if you could wave a magic wand and be calm, loving and satisfied, you'd do it in a heartbeat. 

If that's you, do this exercise...right now.

Take a deep breath. Deeply inhale through your nose until your whole torso fills with oxygen. And then open your mouth and exhale with a big 'ahhhhhh'. Now let your awareness drop into your heart. You can rest your hands there if you like.

Keep breathing deeply. In through your nose, out through your mouth. The audible exhale is a signal to your brain to RELAX.

Now look, feel or listen for the truth that resides in your heart. What is the love and commitment you want to honor?

Once you have that, imagine the possibility of being calm, loving, and satisfied and able to say what's in your heart - from this new state of being. You can speak your truth, you can trust it, and you can openly express it to your husband. You're free from hesitation, from fear and guilt, you're no longer resentful, and you're even receptive to his response. No more are you shutting down. Even better, no longer are you fighting to be right.

From this heart-based communication strategy you and he are getting back on the same page, the family is working together as a team, and you're building the life you knew was possible all along.

You have the power to get out of your head and get into your heart. Honor what you are committed to. Express your truth and allow him to as well. If you can do this one thing today - do it! It will make a huge difference. I promise.

#FewerFightsMoreMakeOuts

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With Honor and Love, Colette

P.S. If this is something you want to go deeper into and have the highest level of support in, LET'S TALK. Let's get you free of guilt and resentment so you can create what you deeply desire. If you want my support, it starts with a loving no-bullshit conversation.