I've been feeling exceptionally needy lately. (Did I really just admit that??) I can't get enough attention. To the point I've been completely distracted from my work. I haven't written or really created anything viable in weeks. How's that for a #truthbomb ??
I've been relying on what I'm going to call "fast-food dating" (aka Tinder & Bumble) to sate my hunger for attention. It's no wonder I'm not experiencing the kind of deep connection I desire.
I knew April was going to be a month of upheaval and distortion but I wasn't prepared for just how wacky it would be or how much I would cling to what felt good. In addition to the astrological impact (have you read about the Scorpio full moon?) I've also started working with a shaman and a holistic doctor to continue my personal healing.
Let me tell you, this shit is *DEEP*.
What I've learned so far is that it's easy to ignore old wounds and seek validation and new "love" from others. It's not as easy to direct my attention inward and be with the wounds so they can heal... or give love and validation to myself.
But I'm working on it daily.
It's been about four months since the conclusion of my 5-year relationship with Matt. If you've been following my blog for sometime, you know that the biggest challenge for me was I didn't feel SEEN.
My desire (actually, this is a human need) for intimacy, connection, and sexual self-expression was all but unmet in that relationship.
So when I started dating again, I was showing up like: "SEE ME...SEE ME...SEE ME!"
Turns out that is NOT the best way to go about dating.
Talk about being 'needy'... and I consider myself pretty damn self-sufficient. I don't need a man to take care of me financially or in most other ways but I am recognizing my need for intimacy. And I get that freaks people out. At least early on...in a fast-food dating environment.
For a long time I've had the fear that no one would be able to see PAST the physical situation I'm dealing with. So when someone did, I got excited and hopeful and ...a little clingy.
I thought, "Here's someone who's willing to see me... (excited)... and so I'm gonna show him all of me...(premature)...all at once. (foolish)"
I was oblivious to my overzealous need to be seen and validated that I completely overloaded the spark and short-circuited the connection.
My best girlfriend said it best when she said, "Colette, you're intense. And woo woo."
What there is to get here is the love, intimacy, and validation I seek I must find within and give myself.
I've made huge strides over the last eight years in overcoming issues with vanity, self-esteem, self-love, and self-expression - and it would seem there's more work to do.
So with regards to dating, for the time being, I'm just going to pin in it and circle back at a later date.
I'll use this opportunity to up-level the relationship I have with myself. I'll nurture and play with and love and explore what gives me pleasure - sans needing anyone else's validation, attention, or reciprocal participation.
I think this is an important part of being a healthy, happy human being. To be the source of our own self-worth and to unconditionally love ourselves - including our 'flaws' is a necessary foundation for being able to give and receive intimately with others.
I'm finding the relationship with Self requires as much (if not more) ongoing cultivation than the relationships we have with others.
If life truly is all about relationships, then having a super solid one with ourselves, ALL FIVE BODIES , is worth the investment.