Here's what every career woman needs to know: Marriage will not thrive without sex and intimacy.
Sex and intimacy are what differentiate a marriage from a friendship or other kind of partnership. If you're married and not cultivating this aspect of the relationship, you can expect it to break down eventually. I've seen this happen so many times with clients and I have personally experienced it my own relationship.
Before I go any further, let me add, this is not unique to women. I could just as easily write a similar article for men. In this case, I am talking directly to my fellow boss ladies and what I'm talking about is the burden of guilt.
You cannot be effective at what you do if you're weighed down by guilt. If your sex drive is shot and you haven't been intimate in months, you probably feel bad about it. Guilt is a heavy burden and is often felt in your gut. It creates low self esteem, digestive issues, and even poor posture.
A woman who is feeling guilty thinks something's wrong with her and that she doesn't deserve love and happiness. On a deeper level, she believes she deserves punishment. I consider that a "hidden issue" that must be addressed to lose the weight of guilt.
Additionally, if you're frustrated and resentful because you're "mothering" your husband at home there's no way you're generating the kind of results, like profit in your business, you could be. What you need is for your man to show up as YOUR MAN.
But guess what? He's not because you've trained him not to. Your struggle to get out of work-mode when you get home has you (micro?)managing him. This works against you because it creates a pattern of behavior that has you feeling like you have to do everything while he feels incapable of doing things right, where you're concerned.
Finally, if you're to the point where you're questioning whether you should stay in your marriage or get out of it, I know you're emotionally exhausted. That level of uncertainty for women like us is the ultimate life-force energy drain and productivity killer. I know.
All of these issues you, yourself, have the power to transform. That doesn't mean your husband is not involved. But I think you know the first thing there is to do is be honest about your role in the current circumstances. Once you claim your part and decide it's time to do something about it, you'll automatically have the bandwidth (previously taken up by blame) to get intimately reconnected.
Now do this.
Women are leading the charge for the much needed change in the world. That is undeniable. As such, we must show up more powerful than we ever have. We cannot tolerate less-than-optimal health, relationships, or financial resources. If we are burdened by one (or more!) of these, it's time to face the hidden issues and the stuff we're avoiding, so we can get over it and get on with it. We. Got. Shit. To. Do.
Since I'm an expert in the area of relationships, I'm going to offer three specific suggestions for turning a barely tolerable one into a kick-ass one... that includes satisfying sex and real intimacy.
First, and this is non-negotiable, you must get clear about what you truly desire - in your marriage, from your man, for your family, and most importantly for yourself. Stuck here? Let me help. Use my FREE DESIRE WORKSHEET to help you connect to your deepest desire.
When we don't know what we want we can't ask for it. When we aren't asking for it - in a clear, direct and specific way, our men cannot effectively respond. So what ends up happening is we ask...again and again and again. Until we give up and do it ourselves, inadvertently creating the pattern of behavior I mentioned earlier.
Next, know thyself. You have dominant qualities, your gifts, and dormant ones that are simply waiting to be developed so you can be fully expressed and live an extraordinary life. I like to teach this using a system I call The 4 Goddesses. In short, you are either a Lover, Warrior, Mystic, or Queen.
Knowing which of these is your Guiding Goddess is helpful in identifying your gifts so you can leverage them. Using this system, you will also see what qualities are dormant and how you can wake them up and put them to work for you. Without this insight, you might be predisposed to self-judgement and comparison - or beating yourself up for not being some "other way". And that's just not productive.
There's one more benefit to learning The 4 Goddesses system; it works the same for the guys. So you'll also be able to 'see inside' his head. Is your man a Lover, Warrior, Magician, or King? And what would BOTH of you knowing about these drivers do for your ability to communicate and relate to one another?
The last thing I want to impress upon you here is the importance of communication. The number one complaint I hear from struggling couples is the breakdown in communication. What they actually say is, "Colette, our communication sucks!" To which I respond, "Are you in your head or in your heart?"
Here's what I mean by that. Communication that comes from the head tends to be full of judgement and expectation. Whereas, communication that is heart-based can really only be loving. From a practical standpoint, think of it as the difference between "telling" and "sharing". Or as my mom would say, "You'll attract more flies with honey than you will vinegar."
Let me be clear, I am not suggesting a fake sugar-coated interpretation of what you want to communicate. You can be direct AND loving at the same time. Most of us have never been trained in highly-effective communication and when there are emotions involved, it can be nearly impossible to keep your cool and reach a mutually satisfying conclusion. Sound familiar? I get it. And I have two tools ready to help you be successful in your communication.
If you've read this far it's likely I've struck a chord with you and you're ready for a solution you can trust to work for you. It's my intention to provide the highest level of support for you in my articles, in my free trainings, and in my paid programs.
The truth is, the secret to staying intimately connected whether you're running a company, raising kids, all of that OR none of that is to know, trust, and express yourself skillfully. Together, we can dive more deeply into it so you can have the kind of marriage and family you know are possible.
You ready? Register for my free online training, "How NOT to Lose Your Husband" where I expand on the secrets in this article with examples you can relate to and tools you can put to work for you immediately. Or, if you would prefer not to wait another minute, let's talk privately. (Click to apply)