Sex and intimacy are what differentiate a marriage from a friendship or other kind of partnership. If you're married and not cultivating this aspect of the relationship, you can expect it to break down eventually. I've seen this happen so many times with clients and I have personally experienced it my own relationship.Read More
Over the years, I have had the great honor to work with loving couples who want to AMPLOVEFY their sensual physical~spiritual connection. The following is a recap of how one particular program originated for a very cool couple-client.
Normally, when coaching couples, I work with one person at a time, creating a safe and judgement-free space for that person's exploration and expression of their wondrous body, mind, and spirit. They then have a monthly joint session to weave together their learning and growth. In the case of this couple, however, the intention remained the same but the energy was more playful and so they chose to dive into Tantra.
The intimacy, sensuality, and connection was already present between these two partners, and they were prepared to explore and express TOGETHER, evolving their bond.
After a consultation to get clear about where each partner was at that moment, and where they wanted to go jointly, we stepped into the Sanctuary. To bring ease and fluidity into the body we moved through a few couples yoga postures before a guided meditation. The meditation took the couple through the Chakras, or energy centers within the body, and was also a conscious breathing exercise. After creating a foundation for connection and "Feeling rather than Thinking", we shifted into sensual full body massage.
He was the first recipient. Together she and I gave him a loving, compassionate, slow, mindful massage working from head to toe. Teaching someone the art of sensual massage was extremely rewarding for me. Additionally, the openess and acceptance this couple expressed to one another is truly inspiring! When he was well tended to, the couple switched giver and receiver so that he and I could spread the love-treatment over her body next. I think she may have mentioned that his skills improved in that mini-massage coaching session. Gentlemen take note! Ladies LOVE a skilled sensual massage from their lover!!
The loving energy was quite palpable so I slipped out of the Sanctuary and allowed the couple to complete their time together how they saw fit.
This was as much a rewarding experience for me as I believe it was for the beautiful couple. Clearly, what there is to do for me now is develop more around this type of session...maybe a program?...in the near future. (AND THIS IS HOW TANTRIC 6 WAS BORN)
And so here's a "heads-up" to all my marvelous male clients: Imagine how glorious it could be if you and your wife/girlfriend had the skill and the mind-set to give each other a FULL BODY SENSUAL MASSAGE at home!
Hmmmm....Sensual Touch Training Program?
Is Tantra something you're curious about but feel like it might be too "woo woo"? I used to feel the same way! So in response, I have translated the ancient wisdom and practices into a modern-day language and application the the most UNhippie person can benefit from. Call 512-491-9774 for a convo with me about it!
P.S. After several sessions with this couple I received the touching comments below.
My wife and I started our journey with you over a year ago, and it has been one of the most rewarding experiences of our lives. We were not sure what we would be in for, and have been truly blessed to have met you and have you in our lives. It was scary to allow someone into our intimate space, but you are now one with us spiritually… and for that we are forever intertwined with you. You are truly a blessing to our lives and hope that in some way we have been the same for you.We are extremely excited about where your future leads you, and know that we are better for having met and had this experience of growth with you. -- J & N
Much like a weight loss program, it’s easy for the romance in relationships to plateau. Couples get busy conducting the symphony that is life--deadlines, homework, soccer practice, car payments, grocery shopping, etc. Without proper nurturing in place, partners can lose interest in the “glue that binds” if they feel they’re being taken for granted, their basic needs are being unmet, or worse, they cease to see themselves as lovers all-together.
In my work as a relationship coach, I’ve repeatedly observed that coming unglued intimately in a marriage can lead to “roommates syndrome” where two people are simply coexisting, managing the logistics of life, rather than thriving as a love-unit (yes, I just made that word up). With that said, I’ve created 5 romance nurturing techniques designed to help you dust off your love-unit (see what I did there?), and start becoming the thriving power couple of your dreams.
1. All About Timing
If you’re struggling to keep up the passion in the bedroom, you may want to consider your timing. We are all busy in today’s world so the end of the day, that is, right before bed may not be the most sexually charged time for a couple. Come up with some alternative windows that allow for a little body-to-body contact. Upon waking? In the shower? Keep in mind romance and passion don’t mean sexual intercourse exclusively. In reality, for a lot of couples (especially those with kiddos) time to ravish each other sexually for hours is rare. Sexual intimacy, however, doesn’t have to be. Remember when the relationship was new? I bet you made time to hug and squeeze and nibble and caress each other then. Don’t underestimate the power of a good long kiss...and a sexy ass grab.
2. Explore Different Environments
This may take a little work but I promise it’s worth it. Take to the outdoors. Go for a walk together and talk about all things sexy and romantic. Think back to your dating days and how just talking about making out or making love would raise your sensual spirits. Book a hotel room. A nice one, where you can both escape the everyday tasks that fill the never-ending to-do list and just be lovers. Or light up the candles, slather on the silky sheets, crank up Marvin Gaye, and turn your ordinary bedroom into a love den for the night. Okay your turn, what other environments would inspire you to be playful or frisky with your partner?
3. Set Up a Pre-Arranged Romance Plan
Have you ever heard of a drip marketing campaign? It’s where a business sets up an automated plan to reach its customers on an ongoing basis to keep them interested in their product or service. You get where I’m going here? Instead of having to come up with new sexy-time ideas every week when your mind is in work or parenting mode (because when is it not?) take a page out of the professional marketing book and pre-arrange little things to “touch” your sweetie consistently in an effort to keep them interested in romance. Maybe come up with a dozen bigger gestures (one for each month) and a half dozen smaller ones that you can rotate through the year. Here are a few ideas: Flowers, date night, a massage, a poem (it doesn’t have to be written by you), and lingerie -- for HER. A tech gadget, a tie and/or pocket square, a sexy photo of yourself, a massage, and a invitation to be pampered -- for HIM. You know your lover best. What would make them feel special and acknowledged as a sexual being? Do that. Do it consistently.
4. Topics of Conversation--Hot or Not?
When we get into a groove of managing life’s challenges we tend to talk about what’s not working and, consequently, solutions to our problems. Not sexy or romantic. While those conversations can be very productive and necessary, they don’t often lead to love making. I’m certainly not suggesting you stop communicating about the issues that you face, they need to be expressed. But what might get stirred up if you brought light, playful, fun, intimate conversation to the table as well? Can you think of a topic of conversation that’s laced with romance and desire that interests you both? You may have to get creative here or curious. The point is this, all work and no play (conversationally) makes for a less-than-romantic relationship.
5. Become a Curious George
That little monkey is always getting into something! His curious spirit takes him on adventures big and small. He has a wonderlust that keeps him constantly learning new things. Now imagine how applying that same curiosity to your intimate relationship could reengage romance. A common trap we all fall into is resigning to “know” each other. We think the person we’re with is “this way” or “that way” or we assume there’s nothing more to explore so we give up trying. It doesn’t have to be that way. If you adopt a Curious George perspective, new opportunities for romance open up. To put it simply, “thinking you already know” shuts things down. Being curious opens them up. Plus, it’s way more fun!
I challenge you to try on one or two (or go bold and tackle all 5) of these techniques this week. Running a business, meeting deadlines, tending to the house and bills, and rearing the kids is super important. And so is romance...it’s the glue that binds an intimate partnership. If you take action now (and be consistent) you can prevent it from drying out and crumbling.
By Jamie Beckman on SheKnows.com
To get to the heart of what tantric sex actually means, we caught up with Mark Michaels and Patricia Johnson, authors of Great Sex Made Simple: Tantric Tips to Deepen Intimacy and Heighten Pleasure, who schooled us in the ways of the tantra — and how regular women (yep, that's you!) can get the most out of their sex lives using tantric techniques.
How Sting got it wrong
If you take away nothing else from this story, remember that the 5,000-year-old Eastern spiritual practice of tantric sex does not mean that you have to make love for hours. Instead, enlightenment and having a reverence for your partner that lasts beyond the length of any orgasm is at the core of the teachings, Michaels and Johnson say.
"It's funny that a comment Sting made over 20 years ago still has an enduring hold on the public's imagination," the couple says. "He's tried to explain it away or recant it in various ways. At one point, he said that he regretted making the statement and didn't really feel he could talk about the subject beyond saying that his wife, Trudy, is his church. That's much closer to what the spirit of tantric sex is all about."
"In the classical sexual ritual, the participants worship each other as embodiments of deities. We encourage people to bring an attitude of reverence into their lovemaking and to all their interactions. The tantric approach has far more to do with your mental approach than with technique. It's certainly got nothing to do with bragging about staying power."
But in tantric sex, you can feel pleasure longer...
"That said, prolonged lovemaking is part of the tradition," Michaels and Johnson say. "The tantrics of old recognized that orgasm can be a mystical experience, often the most readily accessible mystical experience of all. During orgasm, the mind goes quiet, and you may feel a sense of merger — be it with a partner or even with all that is.
For most of us, the transcendent potential in sex is something that's experienced only briefly, during the orgasm itself. If you extend arousal and focus on building it (this need not include genital intercourse), you may start to feel this sense of union well before you have an orgasm, and it is likely to last far longer than it would in more conventional lovemaking. So making it last is a means to an end, not an end in itself. If you can stay turned on for a half hour or so, you're likely to experience the altered state of consciousness we just described."
How to incorporate elements of tantric sex into your own bedroom: Header h3 with numbers to the side
Focus on your breathing and your (and your partner's) reaction to touch
"It's fairly common for people to check out during sex, to do things by rote and without a whole lot of reflection. Paying attention to what you're experiencing in your body, the way you are breathing and how your partner is responding are all very important," the couple says.
Give and receive — start with kisses
"To take this a step further, people tend to interact sexually based on a set of tacit understandings: Basically, I'll do you for a while, and then you can do me, and if we're lucky, we'll both have a good experience," Michaels and Johnson say.
"We encourage people to separate giving and receiving in a very methodical way. For example, it's great to experiment with giving and receiving kisses. Take a couple of minutes and allow your partner to kiss you and explore your mouth with his tongue. Then reverse roles. When you're kissing, see how fully you can give yourself over to the active role. When you're receiving, surrender to the experience completely."
Take 60 minutes and give each other a massage — but no sex yet!
"Set aside an hour or so to give and receive full body massages (culminating with genital stimulation but not intercourse). Do this on different days. As with the kissing exercise, the role of the giver is to give as fully as possible, and the role of the receiver is simply to receive. Taking this activity out of the realm of foreplay and keeping the roles clearly defined may help you discover new sources of pleasure, and may also give you new insights into the way you interact with your partner both in and out of bed."
Break a taboo by just talking about sex
"Many traditional tantric practices involved breaking cultural taboos, and there were many in medieval India," the couple says. "This was true both in the context of sexual ritual and more generally. In the simplest terms, the violation of these cultural norms had a liberating effect. Of course, we don't live in a society that has such clearly defined social rules, but we all have our own self-imposed limitations and our habitual ways of being, in lovemaking and more generally in life. If you can shed some of your inhibitions, you're likely to experience more pleasure. Talking frankly about sex is a big taboo for many, so for many, having frequent and explicit conversations about sex is a great first step."
Explore a personal sexual taboo together
"If you want to get a little bolder, you can identify a couple of personal taboos (you can also do this as a couple by identifying shared taboos), and then decide on one that you might be interested in breaking," Michaels and Johnson say. "Don't pick anything huge at first; it might just mean making love with the lights on or experimenting with light bondage, sensory deprivation or role-play. The purpose is to become more flexible and aware and to be less limited by preconceived ideas about yourself. Sometimes we deprive ourselves of a lot of pleasure by thinking, 'I'm not the kind of person who would enjoy that.'"
I created the following in response to a coaching client who shared the biggest challenge she was facing with her partner on a daily basis. They're both are under a lot of pressure at work and they have 3 kiddos. The first face-to-face at the end of the day was getting to be too unbearable until we talked through this strategy. Now they have a 'way to be' with one another that supports their goal of a loving marriage and happy family.
Here's a TIP for LOVERS who live together:
Create a "Venting Protocol". You know how sometimes at the end of a long day you come home from work, you're tired, stressed, frustrated and you walk into an even more chaotic space? Your partner has had a bad day and it seems like they're taking it out on you? -OR- You had a brilliant day and can't wait to share it with your lover, but they are in a pissy mood. Instead of allowing this dark energy to get the best of you, leading to an argument, ruining the rest of the day, give each other 3-5 minutes (no more) to VENT. One person asks the other, "Listening or Feedback?". and then...
Lovers, take a DEEP BREATH.
VENTER: Let it ALL out. Huff. Puff. Make faces. Release whatever has been nagging at you all day.
LISTENER: Be present and just listen. And at the end of 3-5 minutes (seriously, no more) give feedback if (and only if) requested.
Then SWITCH, if necessary.
Finally, take another DEEP BREATH (or 2 or 10). And move on.
The key here is if your lover has had a bad day and needs to get something off their chest, sometimes they JUST want to be HEARD. This is where you LISTEN and be PRESENT. Other times, they want to work through something. This is where you LISTEN, be PRESENT and give feedback. Notice I didn't say try to FIX their situation. Couples who can effectively support each other in times of challenge often do so by allowing for individual growth. This comes from partners recognizing their strengths and abilities to be resourceful and creative. Unless it's asked for, don't give your opinion. Give your heartfelt compassion and presence.
Try it on like a pair of fancy panties...if it's not a good fit, no worries! I'd love to hear what DOES WORK for ya!
P.S. If you'd like support overcoming a specific challenge (you know, the one you've been tolerating and can't seem to fix on your own) and reaching your objectives where you and your partner are once again on the same page, communicating effectively, and working as a cohesive team -- LET'S TALK.
Step 1: determine if coaching or training is a better fit for you. What is coaching? What is training? Understand the policies and procedures before moving to step 2.
Step2: call my office (mon-fri 10am-6pm) to have your questions answered and to schedule your free 30-minute Clarify & Connect call.
Step 3: prepare for your first call (or training module) by thoroughly reading all paperwork, returning a signed agreement, and noting appointments in your schedule.
We are now partners working together to achieve your goals!
What to Expect on Your First Coaching Call.
You Might Also Be Interested In:
Who I Work With.
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Taken from medicinenet.com, the following are some contributors to a less-than-fabulous sex life. How many would you say fit your profile?
The body does not react well to stress. Emotional stress may affect physical function, including sexual desire and performance. Realizing what underlying stressors may exist is the first step in treatment. Consider stress management practices such as yoga, massage, and meditation to help relieve the burden.
Sexual desire requires two to tango. Both partners need to feel connected and women especially need the feeling of being close. Poor communications, a sense of betrayal, lack of trust, and repeated fighting and criticism may create a relationship that lacks closeness and intimacy. Coaching may be the answer if couples find that the issues are too tough to resolve on their own.
Alcohol is usually not the answer to any problem. While alcohol may decrease inhibitions, it also decreases sexual performance and libido. Your partner may not appreciate a drunken advance and may be turned off by it.
4. Too Little Sleep
As with any physical activity, a rested body increases performance. Lack of sleep, including lack of proper sleep, may be the culprit that decreases sex drive. Sleep apnea is a potential cause for lack of good sleep and lack of libido.
5. Having Kids
Being a parent is a full-time job and you need carve out time without a child or baby around. Planning quiet time for intimacy and sexual desire may require some creative thinking, like having sex when the baby naps, or hiring a babysitter so mom and dad can have a play date.
Side effects of many prescription medications include loss of libido and sex drive. Some examples include:
- High blood pressure medications including water pills and beta blockers
- Cold medications that contain antihistamines and decongestants
- Birth control pills
- Narcotic pain pills
- Chemotherapy drugs
7. Poor Body Image
Sexy is as sexy feels. Many people have low self-esteem when it comes to their body shape and this can affect their sex drive and desire. Being happy with yourself is an important first step. A supportive partner always helps or working with a coach to transform self-image can be a great tool.
Obesity affects one-third of all Americans and being overweight can limit desire because of decreased sexual enjoyment, lack of performance, and poor self-esteem. How you feel about yourself goes a long way in affecting how you enjoy sex. Hiring a health coach may be helpful.
9. Low T
While a man's testosterone level gradually falls with aging, there is not necessarily any relationship between hormone levels and the desire for sex. It is just one potential cause for decreased libido and you may want to look for other causes in addition to just low testosterone (“low T”).
10. Erection Problems
Erectile dysfunction (ED) can not only affect the ability to have intercourse but also how a man feels about his ability to perform. There are many options available to treat ED and as a sex coach, I often work with men seeking a drug-free solution.
Depression affects all facets of life including sex drive. Losing pleasure in daily activities often requires treatment including counseling and perhaps medication. Unfortunately, some antidepressants also depress libido. Exercise is a natural anti-depressant. Eating a clean, unprocessed diet will also boost levels of feel-good hormones.
Menopause may cause physical changes that affect intercourse, including vaginal dryness and pain with intercourse (dyspareunia). Natural treatments are available to enhance sexual desire and function after menopause.
13. Lack of Closeness
Making love is more than just sex. Intimacy and closeness are important part of a healthy love life. If sexual desire is waning, it may be time to inject romance back in the relationship. Snuggling, giving each other massages and spending casual time together may help ignite that spark.
Want to know how to turn things around? Evaluating and strategizing are two main components of my coaching program...Contact me today for a FREE INTIMACY EVALUATION to get things moving in the direction you desire!
A superb article that will guide couples interested in the art of Tantric love-making.
(Originally posted on How Stuff Works)
Have you ever experienced a moment of sexual ecstasy? How did it make you feel? Exhilarated? Luminous? Deeply connected? Intense sexual experiences are one of our greatest sources of pleasure.
At the same time, sex is often regarded with an equal measure of fear and fascination. We may crave sexual intimacy to the core of our being, yet also take great pains to avoid it. We may wish to be touched with all of our heart, yet fear our own vulnerability. We may long to rekindle lost passion, but have forgotten how to light the fire.
The practice of Tantra shows us how to reclaim the sexual intimacy that is our birthright. And through this most ancient of arts, we may discover new joys of the erotic and expand mere moments of sexual ecstasy into a lifetime of sexual bliss. At a time when the stresses, fears and distractions of daily life threaten so many relationships, the age-old practice of Tantra shows us how to open our hearts, our emotions and our sexuality.
What Is Tantra?
Although Tantra has long been practiced in many eastern cultures, it is just beginning to flourish in the United States. Born in India more than 6,000 years ago, Tantra emerged as a rebellion against organized religion, which held that sexuality should be rejected in order to reach enlightenment.
Tantra challenged the acetic beliefs of that time, purporting that sexuality was a doorway to the divine, and that earthly pleasures, such as eating, dancing and creative expression were sacred acts.
The word Tantra means "to manifest, to expand, to show and to weave." In this context, sex is thought to expand consciousness and to weave together the polarities of male (represented by the Hindu god, Shiva), and female (embodied by the Hindu goddess, Shakti), into a harmonious whole.
Couples need not adopt the Tantric pantheon in order to benefit from the sexual wisdom of this ancient art. Tantric sexual practices teach us to prolong the act of making love and to utilize potent orgasmic energies more effectively.
Tantra is also health enhancing. "Sexual energy is one of our most powerful energies for creating health," says Christiane Northrup, M.D., author of "Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom."
"By using sexual energy consciously...we can tap into a true source of youth and vitality."
How Is Tantric Sex Unique?
In the West, we sometimes view sex as a source of recreation rather than a means of transformation. The goal may be to reach orgasm rather than to pleasure our lover or to connect with him or her more fully.
Beginning Tantric Sex Techniques
The usual kind of lovemaking, say sex experts, has a distinct beginning and ending, with a climax somewhere in between and an average duration of 10 to 15 minutes. Given that women can take about 20 minutes just to reach full arousal, this type of sexual experience can be deeply unsatisfying.
In the Tantric model, the sexual experience is seen as a dance with no beginning or end. There is no goal, only the present moment of exquisite union. For this reason, lovemaking is meditative, expressive and intimate. Tantra teaches lovers how to extend the peak of their sexual ecstasy so that women and men can experience several orgasms in a single sexual encounter.
Leading teachers of Tantra suggest that even men who experience premature ejaculation can learn how to extend orgasm, and, with practice, to enjoy multiple orgasms. One of the most well known advocates of Tantra is the musician, Sting, who credits his fulfilling sex life to this ancient art. With ingredients such as love, trust and mutual respect, the magic of Tantra is available to couples of all ages and levels of sexual experience.
The following exercises will help you reconnect with your body and with your partner in a profound way. As you move through these steps, do not focus on intercourse as the ultimate goal. Instead, simply enjoy giving and receiving pleasure using gentle touch and loving words.
Communicate with your lover to discover what he or she finds most arousing. Try to spend several weeks practicing the Tantric Intimacy Exercises without necessarily engaging in intercourse. For many, experiencing these erotic exercises with no pressure to "go all the way" helps release sexual guilt, builds trust and reawakens sexual desire. Enjoy!
Make time for each other every week. Plan a sexual rendezvous at least once per week. Set aside an hour or more of uninterrupted time to be together. Although it may be difficult to find the time or to manage children, you won't be able to benefit from Tantra if your relationship is not a priority.
Create an inviting atmosphere. Whether you meet in your bedroom, living room or another space in your house, creating a sacred space for each other will help relax you and bring you into the moment. Candles, fresh flowers, erotic art, finger foods and tantalizing aromas can transform any room into a temple of sexual delight. Even something as simple as dimming the lights and playing erotic music will help create a welcoming environment.
Dress provocatively. Or, wear nothing at all. Experiment with clothing or accessories that make you feel sexy and excite your partner.
Tantric Intimacy Exercises
Use ritual to develop intimacy. Begin your journey with a ritual. This may be something as simple as feeding each other delicious foods or sharing a glass of wine in the nude. Some couples enjoy bathing together in order to attune to each other.
Take time to wash each other with loving care. Water relaxes the body and is a symbol of sexuality. Massaging each other is also an excellent way to fuse your energies. Or, read poetry to each other, dance, play, listen to music—work on developing new intimacy skills. Most importantly, use this time tocommunicate,sharing what you adore about each other. The idea is to help each partner feel loved and cherished.
In order to fully focus on each other (rather than on the goal of sex), some lovers experiment with various intimate rituals for several weeks before moving on to the next steps or engaging in intercourse. This is a wonderful way to strengthen the bonds of love and ignite passion.
"The only time we ever think about breathing is when we have trouble doing it, yet conscious breathing can be a powerful aid in sexual growth," according to sex therapist Marty Klein, Ph.D. of Palo Alto, California. Breathing exercises also quiet the mind and help you focus on each other.
Try this exercise: Sit quietly, cross-legged, facing each other. Rest your hands on your knees with your palms facing up. As you gaze into your partner's eyes, take soft, but deep breaths. Keep your eyes open, gazing beyond the eyes, into the soul. Although this may feel awkward at first, sustained eye contact is essential for building intimacy.
Now, pay attention to your breathing. Begin to breathe at the same pace, bringing air slowly in through your nose and exhaling through your mouth. Maintain eye contact while you breathe together. Practice this exercise until you can sustain eye contact and harmonized breathing for about 10 minutes. Then, you may move into the next exercise.
Experiment with erotic touch to fully appreciate your partner. This most pleasurable practice will help you become better lovers. Although you should continue to maintain eye contact, don't worry about keeping your breath synchronized. Breath will come back into play later. Guide your partner as you take turns stimulating each other. Describe exactly how you would like to be touched.
Share your desires in an encouraging way, making requests in a clear and loving manner. For example, ask your lover to caress your clitoris or penis (or any erogenous zone), encouraging him or her to apply more or less pressure, to stroke in a specific pattern, to use the tongue, etc. Thank your lover and let him or her know with words or sounds that you are enjoying this sensual touch.
Once you become comfortable with this process, you may wish to create a "pleasure chest." Include whatever excites you and your partner—a feather, vibrator, massage oil, blindfold, soft fabric, erotica and loving notes to each other are just a few ideas. As you pleasure each other, don't be shy about asking for something different. This is your time for appreciation, experimentation and for taking responsibility for your own fulfillment by asking for what you want.
From here, you may wish to embark on your own erotic journey. Create amorous adventures together, exploring new and creative ways to awaken each other's bodies and minds. Then, you will be ready for Tantric lovemaking.
Working as a Relationship and Intimacy Coach, I often encounter male clients who report concerns about not doing the “right things” to stimulate and arouse their partner during sex. On the flip side, I also hear from women sharing versions of “we pretty much do the same thing every time” or “I’m not really into it” or “I don’t get turned on like I used to”. These patterns have the ability to disconnect two people.
Since sex is often a touchy subject and in general, we are not in the practice of verbalizing our authentic sensual desires, I sense this challenge probably rings true for many couples at some point in their relationship. When this type of intimacy and communication start to break down, other aspects of the partnership may soon follow. However, sexual intimacy doesn’t necessarily have to wane as life gets more demanding. It can be easy to attribute the lack of energy or creativity to time constraints, kids, or exhaustion from work/life, etc. but the benefits of cultivating and maintaining a healthy sex life are too important to dismiss.
The 7-Step Sensual Sampler can help relieve some of the anxiety, frustration, or apathy in a relationship by reinstating fun, connection, and satisfaction. Imagine for a moment being curious about your lover’s turn-ons. What might it be like to have him/her lovingly explore your body? What would be possible if you were both in a playful, uninhibited state and were communicating exactly what you wanted to one another? Now imagine those same qualities of curiosity, loving exploration, playfulness, and clear communication carrying over into other aspects of your relationship. How could that strengthen the partnership?
Inspired by a Sex Nerd Sandra podcast, I recently created a the following intimate exercise to help both partners (re)discover what gets the motor running. I call it The Sensual Sampler. Think about it. When you’re uncertain what appetizer you want to eat, you order the sampler platter so you can explore and enjoy different flavors, textures, and so on. Maybe you really like some while other items on the plate don’t do it for you. Do you ever find you’re fond of something you hadn’t tried before? Well this pleasure play exercise is just like that!
The Sensual Sampler works like this:
Step 1. Choose a time that works for both of you to just PLAY. You may have to schedule this and plan ahead if you’re very busy. Anticipation can be exciting!
Step 2. Begin playtime agreeing to just “see what feels good”. No expectations. No judgments or criticisms. No need to be serious. Really let your hair down.
Step 3. Decide who samples whom first. One of you gets to relax, breathe and feel. The other samples an area on your body no bigger than the space his/her hand (with fingers spread wide) covers.
Step 4. Kiss, lick, nibble, caress, massage, etc. that small area of your lover’s body while inviting them to respond.
Step 5. As the recipient of the sampling, share your experience with your partner. You might say things like: “good”, “not so good”, “harder”, “softer”, “more of that”, “move on”, etc. Essentially, you want to let them know what you like, what you don’t care for, and to what degree (really turns you on, feels okay, uncomfortable, etc.).
Step 6. Continue the Sensual Sampling until you’ve covered feet to knees, belly to buttocks, breasts and full back, hands, neck, ears…and ALL areas in between! Leave nothing unattended.
Step 7. Switch. Of course if you’re both so turned on and connected that the desire for passionate lovemaking is too much to ignore – go for it! Keep the fire stoked by carrying over the stimulating and arousing pleasure play techniques into intercourse.
You can always repeat steps 1-7 with the other partner sampling another time.
Based on my experience as well as the feedback I receive, if a couple is able to communicate openly in bed, they are more apt to speak freely and lovingly elsewhere. The bonus here is you may encounter areas of your body that you did not know were pleasurable. More pleasure equals more ease. One thing’s for sure: this fun little exercise will shake up the routine. Plus, letting your hair down, communicating what feels good, and inviting your partner to playfully explore with you can really increase intimacy in a relationship. You never know, you just might learn something about your lover you have yet to discover.
And if you'd like a COMPLIMENTARY personalized "Intimacy Evaluation" contact me today!