Pulling Back the Curtain

Sometimes situations seem really fucking difficult.  But if you stop and "think" about it with presence and compassion (which are typically functions of the heart, rather than the head) the difficulty is a result of our attachment to certain beliefs.  The thing about beliefs is this: they have enormous implications on how we see the world.  My perspective of the world is shaped by my beliefs, which to a large degree were formed from my childhood experiences.  I suppose this is true for most of us.  I consider myself to be an explorer and as such I have spent a great deal of my life exploring the usefulness of certain beliefs, dismantling some and creating others.  Also, I'm a huge advocate of being curious of one's beliefs, or as I like to say, "making space for new beliefs".  But do you know how our beliefs are formed?  Consider this possibility: A belief is formed when "something happens" and we experience a "strong emotion".  When this occurs over and over that belief is deeply engrained in our psyche.  It's as though that belief is the TRUTH.  Keep in mind, we all have very different experiences and therefore we all have a different sense of what truth is.

Personally, what I'm exploring today is the belief that having money alleviates the FEAR of pain and suffering.  Is this true?  Some may say yes, others would say hell no!  But there's a deeply engrained neurological pathway in my mind that "believes" that's true.  I imagine this comes from seeing my parents argue and stress about money when I was really young.  I won't go into the details of my memories of the experience, but I bet a lot of people can relate.  (if not to your parents struggle with money then what was the source of tension when you were young?) I can imagine that little girl version of myself thinking, "If we had enough money, mommy and daddy wouldn't fight."  and therefore, "When I grow up I need enough money so I won't be sad or afraid."  And, by the way, I have no idea what my parents were really struggling with.  The child Colette made it about money and equated the anger, sadness, and fear to that and that alone.  In the developing mind of that child getting enough money was a struggle and not having it was very painful.  

How has this belief played out in my life?  Well, for one, I have a steadfast "requirement" that if I'm going to be in a relationship, my partner must be able to support us financially.  That doesn't mean I don't want to work.  I LOVE the work I do being a facilitator for others' personal evolution...it's when I feel most purposeful and alive.  But in the past I have done work that was solely for the purpose of having enough money.  I've also entertained the idea of a sugar daddy to supplement my income.  (keep in mind I'm very open sexually and that seemed like a cool "friends with benefits" arrangement)  However, my current exploration is of the FEAR of not having enough money.  Is it true that I will experience pain and suffering if a certain minimum is not met?  If I use the past experiences, including those of more recent years then the answer is "Yes". That totally fits with my world view, my TRUTH.  But if I challenge that belief and make space for a new belief what could be possible?  What if I gave up the attachment to my partner needing to be the one who pays our living expenses?  Is it possible that my income would increase?  What if I released the FEAR I have around money and instead experienced EASE?  Even when I only generate revenue that's 50% of my budgeted expense.  Even when my partner considers taking a pay cut to follow his passion.  What if I experienced ease around money NO MATTER WHAT?

This is my practice... to experience EASE...for my personal health and the health of my relationship. (ya'll know fear ain't healthy)  I'm exposing myself here because it's something I choose to transform.  I also mean to pull back the curtain and reveal what our attachments to our beliefs do to us.  I'm not saying all beliefs are harmful.  What I am saying is the next time you find yourself in a situation (with your partner, kids, parents, colleagues, or yourself) that seems really fucking difficult take a look at your beliefs.   What are you so attached to it hurts? (pain and suffering)  That's what make situations difficult.  Just ask yourself: Are you willing to examine and change YOUR beliefs to alter your experience of a situation?

Reveal to Heal...

cd

 





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colette davenport

Colette Davenport helps healers, empaths, and creatives get their magic back. By ending their secret addictions and self-sabotage, clients gain the clarity, confidence, and direction to take their lives to a whole other dimension. Colette is an international coach and speaker, a published author, and the founder of Badass Empath Academy, the school for gifted people.

“Over the course of 25 years, I've had the honor of helping people heal themselves of chronic illness, reestablish intimacy in sexless marriages, turn struggling businesses into profit-generating ones, and leave the 'safe' job (or relationship) they loathed for a life they LOVED. This is my calling.” — Colette Davenport

Making Love for the First Time - Again

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Stop reading this article right now and think back to the days when you were making love with someone you were really into.  Seriously.  Close your eyes and let your imagination and memory take you to a specific day or night in time when you felt particularly aroused and excited to just spend time with the person.  It could be 3 weeks ago, 9 months ago, or 20 years ago.  She could be a long lost love, your current girlfriend, or long-time wife/partner.  If your logical mind starts to rationalize, judge, distract or limit your imagination during this exercise, just be aware of it.  That’s what it does.  It is programmed to keep you “safe” or “in the know”.   (And unless you’re operating heavy machinery, in which case you probably should’t be reading this anyhow, I promise you are safe.)  Stick with the exercise.  Now is a good time to practice giving yourself permission to be free - maybe even playful, to let your imagination override your thinking-mind.  

Recall the way you felt as you prepared for a date with your lover.  Remember the time you spent thinking about impressing her, or about kissing and touching her?   What was it like being eager to share yourself and explore all you could about this gal?  Was there a desire to know what made her laugh, or what her fears or quirks (or kinks) were?  Were you a little more than curious to experience her mouth on yours?  What might her passionate kisses be like?  Remember the inquisition to discover what turned her on so much that she would melt (or writhe) with utter abandon and satisfaction in YOUR arms?  

You can feel that energy, excitement and vitality, right?

Who would ever consciously give that up?  

The thing is, we are not (often times) conscious when it comes to sex and relationships and our emotions.  We think there’s a linear progression to things:  Excited and enthused at first (reference above), then the “honeymoon phase” wears off.  Then we are really familiar with one another so we don’t try/explore as much.  Then we start managing the logistics of cohabitation.  Then we know what she’ll say so why even ask.  Then we spend our days taking care of business, kids, bills and our nights watching tv or some other unconscious activity.  The routine sets in and we “disconnect”.  The result of this pattern kills the romance and sexual attraction we are invigorated by in the beginning.  At this point many of my male clients report “wanting to try something new”.  I also hear, “I want to feel alive and desirable again” which occasionally means seeking sexual gratification outside the relationship, even paying for it as a means to fulfill a deep human deisre.  The reality is, this creates more guilt and fear rather than satisfaction and connection.  It doesn’t have to be this way.  

What’s that you say?  How is it possible to experience something new if we know everything about each other?  Well that’s just it.  If we “think we know” then we will always get exactly what we are thinking out of an experience (and sometimes this thinking stops us from even making an attempt).  I’ll use lovemaking as an example.

If you see yourself in a version of the routine I described above with similar thoughts about lovemaking consider what it might be like to NOT know.  Rewind to the visualization exercise we started with.  All your thoughts about lovemaking happen in your mind anyway, right?  Well instead of thinking you “know” what she’ll do if you kiss her neck or slide your hand down her backside, or what she’ll say if you express your desire for erotic sex, let yourself imagine you “don’t know”.  Let it be an all new experience.  Let yourself be curious.  Invite her to be curious with you.  Allow the energy of your first time together be present.

What if you had a conversation about curiosity and lovemaking in advance, in which you both agreed to “not know” how things would go?  What if you gave your thinking-mind a break and allowed your feeling-body (or at the very least, your imagination) to take over?  What if you both shed the cloak of “logical, practical, responsible”, took off the hat of “fear, disappointment, and the past”, or set down the suitcase filled with “regret, routine, and resentment”?

What if?

As Valentine’s Day approaches, consider taking the opportunity to forego junk-filled chocolates and stuffed pink bears with little hearts reciting some worn-out sentiment.  Instead invite your lover into an exploration of each others sensual natures.  Your bodies, your souls.  Get out of your thinking-mind.  Get out of your routine.  Get out of your every-day roles.  Be curious.  Be imaginative.  Be new and exciting for one another.  Be sexual.

Have the conversation tonight (feel free to share this article with her).  Make the preparations.  Let the anticipation build (that’s just as exciting!).  Finally, when the date arrives...PLAY!  Have fun.  And let me know how it goes.

Empowering Conversations About Sex....With Love and Honor,

Colette

Note:  for the sake of brevity and based on my professional experience, I have used the feminine (she, her, wife, etc), as this article primarily addresses men in heterosexual relationships.  I am curious, though.  If you’re in a same sex relationship and would like to share your experience as it relates to this article -- email cd@colettedavenport.com.

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colette davenport

Colette Davenport helps healers, empaths, and creatives get their magic back. By ending their secret addictions and self-sabotage, clients gain the clarity, confidence, and direction to take their lives to a whole other dimension. Colette is an international coach and speaker, a published author, and the founder of Badass Empath Academy, the school for gifted people.

“Over the course of 25 years, I've had the honor of helping people heal themselves of chronic illness, reestablish intimacy in sexless marriages, turn struggling businesses into profit-generating ones, and leave the 'safe' job (or relationship) they loathed for a life they LOVED. This is my calling.” — Colette Davenport