Fast-Food Dating and Intimacy: What Not to Do If You're Newly Single

I've been feeling exceptionally needy lately. (Did I really just admit that??) I can't get enough attention. To the point I've been completely distracted from my work. I haven't written or really created anything viable in weeks. How's that for a #truthbomb ??

I've been relying on what I'm going to call "fast-food dating" (aka Tinder & Bumble) to sate my hunger for attention. It's no wonder I'm not experiencing the kind of deep connection I desire.

I knew April was going to be a month of upheaval and distortion but I wasn't prepared for just how wacky it would be or how much I would cling to what felt good. In addition to the astrological impact (have you read about the Scorpio full moon?) I've also started working with a shaman and a holistic doctor to continue my personal healing.

Let me tell you, this shit is *DEEP*.

What I've learned so far is that it's easy to ignore old wounds and seek validation and new "love" from others. It's not as easy to direct my attention inward and be with the wounds so they can heal... or give love and validation to myself.

But I'm working on it daily.

It's been about four months since the conclusion of my 5-year relationship with Matt. If you've been following my blog for sometime, you know that the biggest challenge for me was I didn't feel SEEN.

My desire (actually, this is a human need) for intimacy, connection, and sexual self-expression was all but unmet in that relationship.

So when I started dating again, I was showing up like: "SEE ME...SEE ME...SEE ME!"

Turns out that is NOT the best way to go about dating.

Talk about being 'needy'... and I consider myself pretty damn self-sufficient. I don't need a man to take care of me financially or in most other ways but I am recognizing my need for intimacy. And I get that freaks people out. At least early on...in a fast-food dating environment.

For a long time I've had the fear that no one would be able to see PAST the physical situation I'm dealing with. So when someone did, I got excited and hopeful and ...a little clingy. 

I thought, "Here's someone who's willing to see me... (excited)... and so I'm gonna show him all of me...(premature)...all at once. (foolish)"

Dumb move.

I was oblivious to my overzealous need to be seen and validated that I completely overloaded the spark and short-circuited the connection.

My best girlfriend said it best when she said, "Colette, you're intense. And woo woo."

What there is to get here is the love, intimacy, and validation I seek I must find within and give myself

I've made huge strides over the last eight years in overcoming issues with vanity, self-esteem, self-love, and self-expression - and it would seem there's more work to do.

So with regards to dating, for the time being, I'm just going to pin in it and circle back at a later date.

I'll use this opportunity to up-level the relationship I have with myself. I'll nurture and play with and love and explore what gives me pleasure - sans needing anyone else's validation, attention, or reciprocal participation.

I think this is an important part of being a healthy, happy human being. To be the source of our own self-worth and to unconditionally love ourselves - including our 'flaws' is a necessary foundation for being able to give and receive intimately with others.

I'm finding the relationship with Self requires as much (if not more) ongoing cultivation than the relationships we have with others.

If life truly is all about relationships, then having a super solid one with ourselves, ALL FIVE BODIES , is worth the investment.

 

 

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colette davenport

Colette Davenport helps healers, empaths, and creatives get their magic back. By ending their secret addictions and self-sabotage, clients gain the clarity, confidence, and direction to take their lives to a whole other dimension. Colette is an international coach and speaker, a published author, and the founder of Badass Empath Academy, the school for gifted people.

“Over the course of 25 years, I've had the honor of helping people heal themselves of chronic illness, reestablish intimacy in sexless marriages, turn struggling businesses into profit-generating ones, and leave the 'safe' job (or relationship) they loathed for a life they LOVED. This is my calling.” — Colette Davenport

Your Relationship: From Fucked to Fabulous!

Does it feel like your connection is slipping away?  Is the "sexual spark" a bit dull? Are you lacking confidence?

Good news! There's a solution that can transform your relationship into one that's passionate, playful, fun, and fully satisfying. Imagine having more energy, a light/happy heart, and a clear head. Picture what it would be like to have the same confidence and connection you had when you first started dating your lover. Want THAT back? (apply to speak with me)

Coaching provides a judgement-free space for you to truly express what you're feeling and what you want to create. As a client, you have my unwavering commitment to your personal goals. You’re assured direct, honest communication, and confidentiality.

My couples get a fresh perspective to the relationship which allows them playfulness, passion, and satisfying sex…as if the relationship were new! You'll experience breakthroughs in self-expression and become a better communicator, enhancing the love and connection with your partner. That renewal often leads to unexpected results in (seemingly) unrelated places like career, health, and finances.

Sound good?

You already know the added weight of frustration and confusion holds you back from creating a powerful romance, career, and life. One of the benefits of coaching is that you clear the clutter and create space mentally, emotionally, and physically when your perspective shifts. A shift in perspective is precisely what happens when we work together. Partnering with you on your transformational journey, I am committed to your growth and goals for the program. You are supported and challenged and provided specific resources and feedback to get you the results you want.

So why work with me

I've dedicated my life to understanding HOW and WHY we are the way we are around sex, intimacy, body-image, communication, and relationship. And honestly, it’s because of my 23 year “obsession” with this stuff that I also KNOW WHAT ACTUALLY WORKS to heal our shame, overcome our issues, gain confidence, and have loving satisfying relationships. (Intimacy Manifesto)

I've made it my mission to create and refine an Effective, Efficient, Straightforward Process for Revitalizing Your Relationship.  

Think you don't have the time or the resources? I've witnessed clients organizational skills (time management) go from fucked to fabulous in a very short amount of time making the investment in coaching worth 10 times what they're paying. And since we work together virtually (coaching is most effective/efficient over the phone) you only need to dedicate 3 hours a month to calls.

It's a pretty simple process.

Here are some of the outcomes clients have reported:

  • Clear and Honest Communication
  • Loving Cooperation
  • Effective Conflict Management
  • More and Better Sex
  • Real Intimacy
  • Self-Love and Awareness
  • Mutual Understanding
  • Unwavering Trust
  • Soul-Level Connection
  • Less Stress


I welcome the opportunity to hear your story. Click here to apply for a 45-minute Clarify & Connect Call. Your transformation begins with being HEARD and getting CLEAR. And hey, if that's all you feel you need, then great, I am honored to provide that for you. If we connect and you are eager and committed to transforming your relationship (and life) then we can talk about the next step - working together.

Here's something to keep in mind: 
I do not give advice or tell you what to do. I'm not your mother, your spouse, or your counselor. Coaching is not therapy. So while you have my committed listening and unwavering support, this work is only a good fit for people who value personal growth, are ready to harness their strengths and abilities, and create a kick-ass relationship and life.  

Is this you? Let's find out!

With HONOR and LOVE, 
Colette

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colette davenport

Colette Davenport helps healers, empaths, and creatives get their magic back. By ending their secret addictions and self-sabotage, clients gain the clarity, confidence, and direction to take their lives to a whole other dimension. Colette is an international coach and speaker, a published author, and the founder of Badass Empath Academy, the school for gifted people.

“Over the course of 25 years, I've had the honor of helping people heal themselves of chronic illness, reestablish intimacy in sexless marriages, turn struggling businesses into profit-generating ones, and leave the 'safe' job (or relationship) they loathed for a life they LOVED. This is my calling.” — Colette Davenport

13 Sex-Drive Killers To Be On The Look Out For

Taken from medicinenet.com, the following are some contributors to a less-than-fabulous sex life.  How many would you say fit your profile?

Sex-Drive Killers:

1. Stress

The body does not react well to stress. Emotional stress may affect physical function, including sexual desire and performance. Realizing what underlying stressors may exist is the first step in treatment. Consider stress management practices such as yoga, massage, and meditation to help relieve the burden.

2. Partner

Sexual desire requires two to tango. Both partners need to feel connected and women especially need the feeling of being close. Poor communications, a sense of betrayal, lack of trust, and repeated fighting and criticism may create a relationship that lacks closeness and intimacy. Coaching may be the answer if couples find that the issues are too tough to resolve on their own.

2. Alcohol

Alcohol is usually not the answer to any problem. While alcohol may decrease inhibitions, it also decreases sexual performance and libido. Your partner may not appreciate a drunken advance and may be turned off by it.

4. Too Little Sleep

As with any physical activity, a rested body increases performance. Lack of sleep, including lack of proper sleep, may be the culprit that decreases sex drive. Sleep apnea is a potential cause for lack of good sleep and lack of libido. 

5. Having Kids

Being a parent is a full-time job and you need carve out time without a child or baby around. Planning quiet time for intimacy and sexual desire may require some creative thinking, like having sex when the baby naps, or hiring a babysitter so mom and dad can have a play date.

6. Medication

Side effects of many prescription medications include loss of libido and sex drive. Some examples include:

  • High blood pressure medications including water pills and beta blockers
  • Cold medications that contain antihistamines and decongestants
  • Antidepressants
  • Birth control pills
  • Narcotic pain pills
  • Chemotherapy drugs

7. Poor Body Image

Sexy is as sexy feels. Many people have low self-esteem when it comes to their body shape and this can affect their sex drive and desire. Being happy with yourself is an important first step. A supportive partner always helps or working with a coach to transform self-image can be a great tool.

8. Obesity

Obesity affects one-third of all Americans and being overweight can limit desire because of decreased sexual enjoyment, lack of performance, and poor self-esteem. How you feel about yourself goes a long way in affecting how you enjoy sex. Hiring a health coach may be helpful.

9. Low T

While a man's testosterone level gradually falls with aging, there is not necessarily any relationship between hormone levels and the desire for sex. It is just one potential cause for decreased libido and you may want to look for other causes in addition to just low testosterone (“low T”).

10. Erection Problems

Erectile dysfunction (ED) can not only affect the ability to have intercourse but also how a man feels about his ability to perform. There are many options available to treat ED and as a sex coach, I often work with men seeking a drug-free solution.

11. Depression

Depression affects all facets of life including sex drive. Losing pleasure in daily activities often requires treatment including counseling and perhaps medication. Unfortunately, some antidepressants also depress libido.  Exercise is a natural anti-depressant.  Eating a clean, unprocessed diet will also boost levels of feel-good hormones.

12. Menopause

Menopause may cause physical changes that affect intercourse, including vaginal dryness and pain with intercourse (dyspareunia). Natural treatments are available to enhance sexual desire and function after menopause.

13. Lack of Closeness

Making love is more than just sex. Intimacy and closeness are important part of a healthy love life. If sexual desire is waning, it may be time to inject romance back in the relationship. Snuggling, giving each other massages and spending casual time together may help ignite that spark.

Want to know how to turn things around?  Evaluating and strategizing are two main components of my coaching program...Contact me today for a FREE INTIMACY EVALUATION to get things moving in the direction you desire!



The Sexiest 3 Words a Man Can Say to a Woman

WOW.  THIS is powerful.  I read this article and was immediately connected to what I've been attempting to convey to my guy.  Yes, I can take care of myself.  Yes, I know he loves me and is always there for me.  But my experience is that of always being the one who takes care of everything that is not his work. - www.besomebody.co   In other words, I feel as though I'm the one who's taking care of everything form groceries (and all other domestic responsibilities) to puppies to dinner dates to sexual satisfaction.  Sometimes I need to hear these 3 words.

Posted on October 27, 2014 by Bryan Reeves via thiswildwakingjourney.wordpress.com

“I love you.” (nope)

“You look beautiful.” (nope)

“Let’s go shopping!” (depends how you say it, but still, no)

“How’s your mother?” (no, this will just make her suspicious of you)

Those are all nice to say, and many women want to hear them from their partner; they like to feel cherished. But none of those by themselves will necessarily have her soften all warm-putty-like into your hairy masculine arms.

The three sexiest words I’m referring to speak to primal forces within both men and women. An archetypal trip wire, these eight letters strung together can trigger a man’s spine to straighten and make a woman swoon.

I wish I could say I figured this one out by myself, but a lady friend had to point this out. Once she did, I looked back to my own intimate relationships and saw overwhelming evidence for her case everywhere.

We were having coffee when she started telling me about her new boyfriend. He was refined and kind, loving and intelligent. He was a creative artist, and an accomplished one at that. She felt him a good man and she was happy. Then she told me about the first morning they woke up together, and that’s when she really lit up during our conversation.

She has a dog. Normally the dog gets her up early to go pee outside when she’s still in comatose denial of an outside world. On this particular morning, when the dog woke her up as usual, her new beau opened his eyes, looked at her and with nary a hesitation, issued the most magical three-word spell she could recall ever hearing from a man. She said these words slid from his masculine mouth smooth as a river stone and strong as steel (that’s my interpretation of what she said). She swooned. She relaxed. Under his sudden spell she felt herself completely protected and cherished by this man’s love.

“I got this.”

That’s what he said.


Read the Full Article HERE  It's the best thing I've read in a while.

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colette davenport

Colette Davenport helps healers, empaths, and creatives get their magic back. By ending their secret addictions and self-sabotage, clients gain the clarity, confidence, and direction to take their lives to a whole other dimension. Colette is an international coach and speaker, a published author, and the founder of Badass Empath Academy, the school for gifted people.

“Over the course of 25 years, I've had the honor of helping people heal themselves of chronic illness, reestablish intimacy in sexless marriages, turn struggling businesses into profit-generating ones, and leave the 'safe' job (or relationship) they loathed for a life they LOVED. This is my calling.” — Colette Davenport

13 Photos to Get You in the Mood

I have a vision board for my intended travels, dream home, and physique.  I thought it might be fun to create one for my ideal sex life, too.  Enjoy these images...and let them inspire you to 'Sext' your lover about what you have in mind for later!

 

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colette davenport

Colette Davenport helps healers, empaths, and creatives get their magic back. By ending their secret addictions and self-sabotage, clients gain the clarity, confidence, and direction to take their lives to a whole other dimension. Colette is an international coach and speaker, a published author, and the founder of Badass Empath Academy, the school for gifted people.

“Over the course of 25 years, I've had the honor of helping people heal themselves of chronic illness, reestablish intimacy in sexless marriages, turn struggling businesses into profit-generating ones, and leave the 'safe' job (or relationship) they loathed for a life they LOVED. This is my calling.” — Colette Davenport

How To Make Love Stay: 6 Endless Tips

This article from Rebelle Society is for all my wonderful male clients and friends.  I challenge you to read every last word and heed the advice to the letter...to make love stay.

1. Love her fiercely.

Connection is key, vulnerability is bravery, and an open heart breaks down closed souls. We only get one shot at this life, this moment, and this relationship. If you’re blessed enough to find yourself waking up next to the same love over and over and over again, please don’t think of it as blandness. Choose blessedness.

If you find yourself getting too used to the monotony of your daily existence or if the routine is becoming too obscene, change something. Mix it up. Add some spice. Run off and have an adventure, even if it’s just down the road. Go and see something you’ve never seen, even if it’s just across the street. Go and do something you’ve never done, even if it’s just under the sheets.

When you enter a room, let others notice that you notice her first. When you walk next to her, stop and kiss her neck for no good reason other than the fact that she is by your side. When she gets dressed in the morning, smile and appreciate that women are sexier getting dressed than they are getting undressed.

Respect her boundaries, but break down her walls. Crush her fears and free her mind. She’s yours, and it’s up to you to be hers. Be the hero she’s always wanted but never knew she needed.

Be a brazen inspiration. Be a bold revelation. Be a novel innovation. Earn her every day and appreciate her every night. Give her your heart and defend hers at all costs. Be a warrior for love armed with a quiver full of fervor, and love will forever follow you into the hunt.

“Love easily confuses us because it is always in flux between illusion and substance, between memory and wish, between contentment and need.” ~Tom Robbins

 

***

2. Make her feel beautiful.

This one is pretty simple: Girls want to feel beautiful. Unfortunately, as you probably already recognize, women are bombarded each and every day with images from TV, magazines, Facebook and everywhere else in our culture trying to show them and sell them beauty. “They should look good.” “They need to be put together.” “They must be presented well.”

That is total bullshit. Humans were not born to cover their faces in makeup, did not evolve to spend an hour straightening their hair with expensive machines, and did not arise solely to dress up in high heels, or expensive jewels, or an overpriced dress bought to attend that cocktail party that night with those people that we don’t really know and don’t even care about.

In our society, beauty most often relates to the exterior and although a variety of superficial modifications are now wildly popular, they are all, each of them, a small, dirty, and pathetic lie.

Diamond rings are not beautiful, an open heart is beautiful. New shoes are not beautiful, kindness is beautiful. Vulnerability is beautiful. Compassion, honesty, courage and confidence are the real beautiful things. 

Besides, even with all of the makeup, accessories and clothes in the world, you cannot be beautiful if you do not feel beautiful. Similarly, if you feel beautiful, you are beautiful. It really is that simple.

So, take these powerful ideas and go about setting them free into the world. Make your girl feel beautiful. Compliment her soul. Look her in the eyes when you tell her you love her. Hold her hand. Melt her heart. Be her beacon. When she wakes up in the morning, tell her she looks great, and when she laughs or calls you crazy (and she will), mean it when you tell her that you mean it.

Stare into her eyes until she looks away first. Let her soar, and admire her in flight. Open her eyes, heart, hopes and dreams. Write her a note that says she makes you feel lucky, leave her a voicemail that says she makes you feel blessed and make her a card that says she makes you feel beautiful.

After all, beautiful things create beautiful things. So go ahead and be beautiful together, and love will stick around to watch.

“The highest function of love is that it makes the loved one a unique and irreplaceable being.” ~ Tom Robbins

 

***

3. Make her feel safe.

Girls like being held. They like having arms wrapped around them, simultaneously holding them close and pushing the world away. They enjoy walking with someone that can connect with them, confiding in someone who cares for them and loving someone who adores them. Girls like knowing that they are enough for us, that we are not looking elsewhere for replacements.

Girls want to matter, so let her feel comfortable speaking her heart. When she does, listen. When you listen, understand (not just what is being said, but why).

When you understand, relate and remember. Become fluent in the language she speaks. Encourage her to be the best her possible, even if that means exposing the hard truths that she tries to avoid, the facts that she can no longer ignore.

It’s up to you to make her see that, ultimately, no one else will make her happy but her. It’s up to you to help her help herself. Earn her trust and then keep making deposits, because helping a woman feel safe empowers her to do the things that her heart tells her they need to be done.

When she is not worried about you or her or us, she is free, an uncaged bird, and freedom is a wondrous feeling. Freedom means safety, safety is liberating, and liberation leads to fearlessness.

Without fear, we can focus on the things that matter, the things that set our hearts alight, the dreams that only arise when we are awake.

Catalyzed by safety, dormant ideas awaken, embolden and enliven our life. Compassion, courage and honesty, love’s three younger sisters, will stop by to visit, helping to ensure that our women are as safe and as strong as possible. Why is this important? Because strong women make men strong. And strong men can make love stay.

“When two people meet and fall in love, there’s a sudden rush of magic. Magic is just naturally present then. We tend to feed on that gratuitous magic without striving to make any more. One day we wake up and find that the magic is gone. We hustle to get it back, but by then it’s usually too late, we’ve used it up. What we have to do is work like hell at making additional magic right from the start. It’s hard work, but if we can remember to do it, we greatly improve our chances of making love stay.” ~ Tom Robbins

 

***

4.  Make her feel important.

There’s a lot going on in the world and we are always on alert.  We have to deal with jobs, laundry, stress, temptation, money, family, friends and the future.

Distractions pervade. Opportunities proliferate. Obstacles present themselves. We have the internet in our pockets, a gleam in our eyes and no time on our hands. We’re often busy, occasionally stressed, and sometimes overwhelmed. We have much on our minds and to us, normal is nuts.

We have dreams and adventures ahead of us and sorrow and sacrifice behind and yet, through all of the drama and strife, the pains and the panics, the days and nights, love remains. She is there, next to you, urging you on, smiling, and wanting nothing but the best for you because she loves you, she cares about you, and she wants you to be happy.

She is a best friend, mentor and biggest fan all in one. Your life would be worse without her in it. You would miss her if she were gone. She is the best thing in your world. Don’t you ever fucking lose sight of that, and love will have no chance to escape.

Love is addicted to appreciation and awareness. Keep both in abundant supply and love will always be near.  

“My love for you has no strings attached. I love you for free.” ~Tom Robbins

 

***

5. Fuck her good.

Here’s the thing: Women love sex and they think about it all the time. Although they would probably never admit it, women love getting down and dirty between the sheets, fast and furious on the bathroom floor, and slow and comfortable up against a wall.

If you’re a woman, you’re probably smiling as you read this. I’m sorry, girls, but the secret is out. We know that you talk about sex with your friends, fantasize about foreplay when you’re alone, and dream about the dirty when you are bored at work. And that’s okay. It’s more than okay, in fact.

Sex is important and good sex is a universal human right. So, do your best to be your best, not only in life but also in bed. However, don’t forget that it’s far more than just the physical that matters: the most important sex organ is the brain.

Be giving, with words and touch. Be intimate, with emotions and experience. Be thoughtful, with deeds and desires. Seduce her away from her distractions. Excite her.

Good loving is a necessity and if your girl is not getting it from you, she’ll start looking elsewhere for greener pastures to fertilize. However, if you can make her shake like a freight train, she’ll stick around like a memory. And that’s what it is all about – making love stay.

“We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.” ~ Tom Robbins

 

***

6.  Make her laugh.

Cyndi Lauper was right: Girls just want to have fun.

Have you ever seen a bunch of girls going absolutely buck wild on a dance floor? It’s a sensation, and fun is the feeling. Have you ever witnessed a group of girls laughing so hard that they’re snorting and crying and madly screeching right up close into each others faces? It’s a sanctuary, and fun is the preacher.

Life is hard, and that’s a fact. We all know that sadness comes by to play hide and seek, sorrow randomly stops by for a drink, and occasionally, we get overwhelmed, annoyed, or infuriated. It happens. It’s unavoidable. It’s not her fault.

Being down does not make her a bad person, or a bad partner, or a pain in the ass. Being down does not make her heart any smaller or her beauty any less noticeable. Rather, being down is part of lifting up.

Help lift her up. Help make her see. Teach yourself the powerful and noble truth that here is nothing more beautiful than a smiling soul staring at you with love-filled eyes. Make her smile. Warm her heart. Be silly.

Life is far too serious to take seriously and sometimes the bravest thing you can do is laugh.

So do it, and do it often. Goof around. Be playful. Have fun. Locate your inner child and give him a high five. Find some grass and do some somersaults. Enjoy the ride and love will sit next to you, its head on your shoulder, smiling all the while, for where there is laughter, there is love.

“But do we know how to make love stay? I can’t even think about it. The best I can do is play it day by day.” ~ Tom Robbins

Did we miss anything? Do you have an idea of your own? Let us know. We demand answers, we crave knowledge and we are addicted to realizations.

Serve it up hot and let’s dig in: How do you make love stay?

 

*****

About the author:

Long Distance Love Bombs

About Long Distance Love Bombs: Hi, I’m Jeremy, a kindhearted marine biologist with a punk rock spirit and an urge to live the shit out of my life. I am also trying to make kindness cool and the world better than it was yesterday. Join me at Long Distance Love Bombs, on Facebook, on Etsy, and on Pinterest. You can also send some love via email.

Top 10 Things You Never Knew about Relationship

A friend of mine recently shared an article written by his mentor, John Howard, a psychotherapist, educator and spiritual teacher based in Austin, TX.  I look forward to meeting John and having engaging conversations, but in the meantime, I feel his article is supremely well written and that everyone can benefit from it.  So do yourself a solid and read the following paragraphs.  (#6 strongly resonates with me/my work. Notice the parallel message?)  You might begin to ask yourself, "What would be possible if I were in a conversation about my relationship?".  To find out, reach out to John Howard HERE.  Or if you prefer the coaching method, set up a free consultation call with me HERE.  

Relationships are mysterious. We fall in love only to realize that life together is difficult and presents unique challenges. How do we merge with another person yet remain independent? Forge a close emotional bond yet stay attracted and excited romantically? Here are 10 lesser-known facts about relationship that will help you build a more fun and fulfilling life together!  -- John Howard, M.A.

1) It’s About Skills, Not Knowledge

We watch TV shows and movies about relationship, read books and talk to our friends. Yet being good at relationship is not about knowledge, it’s about skills. Relationships are stressful. Under stress, higher cortical areas of the brain responsible for calculated thought go offline. What we’re left with is more automatic reactions, often driven by previous experiences with others. Our knowledge about healthy relationship is not as available to us then. What we need are skills that are practiced and woven into our emotional and muscle memory–so automatic that we don’t have to think too much to use them. Even couples therapy models are updating their techniques to help partners build this kind of implicit skill rather than instructing partners on good and bad behavior. What we know doesn’t help us as much as what we can do, especially in moments when we’re running more on animal instinct.

2) We Don’t Teach Partnership Even Though it’s Probably the Most Important Subject

Think about it. What is more important than knowing how to form a solid adult bond with another person? Sure, we could live life alone, but few enjoy that as much as sharing it with someone else. We are social creatures, accustomed to having family and connections with others. But we’re so poorly trained for intimate relationships! I used to wonder why we spent so much time in school on subjects few of us would use and so little time on things like love and caring for one another. Maybe teaching relationship is the domain of families, right? Well, many families don’t model great intimate relationship, so it can be difficult to find role models and training that fits the bill. Knowing how to be close with a person different from ourselves is important not just for our own well-being and happiness, but for that of our kids as well. Kids thrive in secure environments. So, no offense to the engineers out there, but teaching close partnership alongside Algebra II could change the world.

3) Relationship Determines our Self-Esteem More than our Own Thoughts about Ourselves

We live in a self-reliant, independent culture, right? Even our ‘new-age’ spirituality can promote the idea of self-sufficiency. We’re supposed to be confident, brave, and forge ahead with our true purpose regardless of what others think. How many times do we hear the phrase, “I am responsible for my own happiness,” or “what others think shouldn’t affect me“? Well, it does.Neuroscience continues to confirm that our sense of self is built in the close relationships with our early caregivers. We don’t know who we are except in the eyes of others. If we are treated well and supported, we assume we are good and internalize a sense of confidence. If we are not treated well, we can lose confidence, develop low self-esteem, guilt, shame, and other limiting feelings. As adults, we hope to develop high self-esteem and sometimes try to find it in individual personal growth pursuits. The science suggests it is more efficient to surround yourself with loving people who believe in and support you, thereby reconstructing a relational path for the brain to develop a positive self-image.

4) Relationship Makes us Smarter

It’s true. Relationship asks the brain to perform tasks that challenge it in helpful ways. For example, to be fair to our partner, we must learn to hold two differing opinions as equal, otherwise our conversations result in a winner and a loser, not a good ‘walk-away’ feeling in relationship. This skill develops a marker of intelligence: The ability to simultaneously hold opposite views as equally valid. If only our politicians were good at that!Relationships make us more mentally flexible. An example of flexibility is the ability to switch from an intellectual to an emotionally-focused conversation. In his groundbreaking book Social Intelligence (2006), acclaimed author Dan Goleman described how relationships require that we be aware of ourselves and another in real time, promoting growth in the social-relational system, which helps integrate the brain’s hemispheres.

5) We Don’t Have the Same Memory of Things so Quit Trying!

Memory is state-dependent, meaning that we encode things into memory through a filter that changes based on stress and emotion. Memory is also formed based on previous experience. Early family experiences, in particular, shape how we perceive and remember events. Many partners still attempt to agree on what was said, or done, in a heated moment. Stop trying. It’s not important to figure it out much of the time anyways. It’s more important to make up, care for each other’s feelings, and move forward. Partners have trouble agreeing on facts because their perception of the same event is actually different in terms of how the brain encodes experience. Research shows that memory is unreliable under stress, such as during family arguments. So next time, don’t try to agree on what happened, just take care of each others’ resulting feelings and remember that memory is subjective anyways!

6) Money, Sex, Time, Mess & Kids Are Not the Real Issues

Couples researcher Dr. Stan Tatkin has found that the real issues couples argue about are issues having to do with closeness, connection, security and understanding. Because we’re not typically trained or practiced at speaking about those core needs we all have, we use the dishes, the bedroom and the schedule to try to resolve them. The problem with that approach? Those more superficial conversations can’t resolve the deeper need for connection. Very often, when partners feel connected, understood and in love, their annoyance with detail issues seems to vanish. We can tolerate differences if we feel connected. So the next time you find yourself wanting to argue about how clean the house is or a particular philosophical difference, ask yourself, “what am I really wanting to feel with my partner?”

7) Many People Think They Made a Mistake Choosing Their Partner When They Chose Well

OK, so there really are bad choices when it comes to partners. But you’d be surprised how sophisticated and extensive our mate selection process is! Much of it happens unconsciously and is driven by biology and instinct. Subtle chemical signals and familiarities with our family of origin all go into the mix. What often happens, however, is that lacking the skills to take our relationships beyond early phases, we start to think we made a bad choice.It takes some work and practice to make it through the annoyance and reality stages of partnership in which two partners can feel incompatible. But once you do, you realize what a good choice your partner was to begin with. Often the differences that draw us together help us be more complete people, but that takes some growing pains. And due to similarities with early parental relationships, there is tremendous healing potential in later stages of partnership. Those same familiarities, however, can also trigger deep-seated fears along the way. Learn to distinguish real incompatibilities from being stuck in early phases of relationship, and move through those stages to get to the gold of being together!

8) Arguing is not a Sign of a Bad Relationship, Not Making Up Quickly Is

According to relationship scientist Dr. John Gottman, healthy couples argue as a normal part of being together. It’s not arguing per se that indicates a problem in relationship, it’s how we argue and how quickly and effectively we make up. Arguing can actually be an opportunity to deepen your relationship. It exposes differences, releases pent up emotions, and brings more honesty to the conversation. Couples should be careful to not be too hostile in arguments. In fact, secure partners tend to look out for one another even in difficult moments. And more important than whether you have had an argument or not is how well you repair the damage. Strive to make-up, apologize and understand your partner as soon as possible. The longer you feel disconnected, the more negative feelings travel into long-term memory. When arguments are repaired well, we tend to remember the reaching out and re-connection more than the argument.

9) Creating Positive Moments Outweighs Processing Negative Ones

Dr. Gottman also found that couples recover more quickly and build their relationship better by creating positive memories than by spending a lot of time processing negative experiences. Partners can go around and around trying to repair and understand a difference that causes real disconnection.The truth is, most of the issues couples argue about are unresolvable, and don’t need to be resolved. At some point, quit banging your head against the wall and take each other out for a fun day or night out. Go bowling, do something silly together, take an acting class, or one of those partner yoga classes. Make each other laugh, or have your funny bone tickled together by a good comedy show. The shared positive experience and memory goes a long way toward canceling out negative feelings!

10) We Talk Too Much

OK, I know, some people like to talk. And talking can be a way we feel closer.But, when it comes to knowing how we really stack up with our partner, the brain likes it plain and simple. The part of our brain responsible for feeling safe and secure has trouble negotiating meaning out of complex sentences. It prefers short and sweet. To the point. When you really want to convey what your partner means to you and how crazy you are about them, choose powerful words that say what you mean concisely and directly. Gaze into your partner’s eyes as you speak for maximum effect. Some partners can get overwhelmed by too many words at once. Try saying, “I need you,” and “You are the most important thing to me” without any extra words and watch the deepest part of your partner respond!

 

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colette davenport

Colette Davenport helps healers, empaths, and creatives get their magic back. By ending their secret addictions and self-sabotage, clients gain the clarity, confidence, and direction to take their lives to a whole other dimension. Colette is an international coach and speaker, a published author, and the founder of Badass Empath Academy, the school for gifted people.

“Over the course of 25 years, I've had the honor of helping people heal themselves of chronic illness, reestablish intimacy in sexless marriages, turn struggling businesses into profit-generating ones, and leave the 'safe' job (or relationship) they loathed for a life they LOVED. This is my calling.” — Colette Davenport

What Is Coaching and How Can It help You?

Relationship coaching is a life coaching specialization that helps people to create extremely fulfilling personal relationships. A relationship coach can help you set relationship goals, overcome sexual challenges, thrive inside your marriage, build the level of intimacy with your partner, grieve a lost loved-one, or take your long-term romance to the next level. 

It is not necessary to work with both partners in a relationship. Coaching can help clients let go of their painful beliefs and patterns, create a desired relationship vision, and take actions in accordance with the vision. This means individuals are able to enjoy a satisfying relationship even without their partner's participation in the coaching process.

As a dating coach, I also work with people who are not yet in a relationship. I work with singles who have a history of unsatisfying relationships, who have difficulty knowing what they want in a relationship, or just want to stay on track with their plan to find a deeper connection with someone.

Sex coaching facilitates your sexual awareness and fulfillment through healing, education, and empowerment. Sex coaches deal with sex head-on without any blame, shame, or negative judgment so that clients can talk about the things that seem difficult to talk about and get out of shame, guilt and/or fear and into pleasure and fulfillment. I work with both singles as well as couples. 

In couples coaching, I work with both partners, and teach communication, conflict resolution, and utilize other coaching tools meant for couples.

Coaching takes healthy people and makes them high performing. As your coach, I can help you quickly uncover the essence of what you want out of dating, sex, and/or your partnership, guide you around painful issues, and create a safe environment as you face your fears and discover your true desires. 

Contact me for a complimentary 30-minute coaching call.

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colette davenport

Colette Davenport helps healers, empaths, and creatives get their magic back. By ending their secret addictions and self-sabotage, clients gain the clarity, confidence, and direction to take their lives to a whole other dimension. Colette is an international coach and speaker, a published author, and the founder of Badass Empath Academy, the school for gifted people.

“Over the course of 25 years, I've had the honor of helping people heal themselves of chronic illness, reestablish intimacy in sexless marriages, turn struggling businesses into profit-generating ones, and leave the 'safe' job (or relationship) they loathed for a life they LOVED. This is my calling.” — Colette Davenport