Confessions of a Sex Coach (video 2.2) "Hiding from You"

I'm just gonna cut to the chase with this one. I've been hiding from YOU because there's still stuff about ME that I don't love.

CLICK ON IMAGE TO WATCH VIDEO 2.2

Making the videos has already helped me be more authentic.  Check out the ORIGINAL video 2 to see what I mean.  Writing about this stuff would be helpful to a degree, but when I see myself I can tell when I'm holding something back.  

Since the whole point of this journey is to get completely aligned with my commitments and my calling (aka be 100% in integrity), it's going to require me to be BOLD.

So let's talk about HIDING.  Several years back I was in a Landmark course, I forget which one, and we did an exercise where half the participants got up and formed a line, shoulder to shoulder.  The remaining half formed another line just like the first so that we were all facing someone.  There was only 12 inches between our faces. 

To say that we were in each other's personal space is an understatement.  

For this exercise we were to be still and silent.  We were to look into the eyes of the person (stranger) across from us, and to just observe them.  How do you think it went?

We were reluctant, shifty, uncomfortable, laughing, trying to keep a straight face, not making eye contact...For the most part, we all had trouble 'being' with each other.

Why?

The course leader went on to say the exercise was to demonstrate how afraid we all are of being seen.  He suggested we all "just do what ya want" and "be who you are" because...

Tweet: everybody else is so concerned with what YOU think of THEM that they aren't actually paying attention to you. everybody else is so concerned with what YOU think of THEM that they aren't actually paying attention to you.

This has stuck with me ever since.  Revisiting this is helping me now to come out of hiding.

I think it will be useful to dissect WHY we hide and are walking around afraid of being seen.  And since these are my confessions, I'll use myself as the example.

Through out my life I have hidden what I don't love about myself.  At one point it was my small breasts.  At another stage it was (really, what I THOUGHT were) my not-so-small thighs. For a long time it was the fact that I worked as a call girl in my early 20's. And for an even longer time I hid my general discontent (that would often progress to depression).  Lately I've been hiding my face, well actually my neck -- which according to the chakra system, corresponds to communication and self-expression.

Hmmm... I haven't been fully expressing myself and now I have a growth drawing attention to that area? Interesting how this is all inter-woven, huh?

This kind of universal alignment is what my badass bestie, Allison, and I call WATERBOTTLES!  (ask me about this, it's a pretty cool story)

So what's up with all the lack of self-love?

I know for sure I'm not alone with this issue.  In fact, my intuition tells me it's an issue that crosses cultural, generational, racial, socio-economical, gender, and every other identifier we use to label ourselves.  In other words, it's an issue we face as HUMANS.

How curious.

We humans struggle with self-love and at the same time we are hungrily seeking love from and generously giving love to others.  Oh, and let's not forget we're afraid of being fully seen and are uncomfortable looking strangers in the eye or acknowledge their humanity.

Why?  Why don't we LOVE ourselves and all others equally?  Why isn't this way of being our default setting?

My guess is it's because we are not SEEING ourselves and others as HUMAN BEINGS.

Instead we're seeing 'characters' and 'stories' and 'labels' and 'differences'.

For example, instead of seeing myself all along as a (fucking miraculous) human being, I was seeing a flat-chested girl or a flabby-thighed girl or a call girl or a woman with a tumor... AND I was making myself 'bad', 'wrong', and 'unworthy' of my my own love because of all those (human experience) things.

HELLO, judgement!

This is what we do.  We do it with ourselves and with others.  I wonder what the world would be like if we all just saw ourselves as human beings having human experiences and granted ourselves unconditional LOVE ... no matter what.

That's what Imma do starting right about... NOW.

I suspect the more I love; the less I'll fear. Without fear (or being afraid) I bet I'll be more willing to be seen.  Watch me show my face, and speak my truth, and live my purpose, and fulfill my mission.  I'm starting to get that this is the kind of responsibility it takes to live in my vision.

What is my strategy for letting love rule? (<------ be sure to click that link!) The first thing that shows up for me is: "get it tattooed on ya!"  That way I'll always be reminded that love, specifically self-love, is fundamental for living the life I intend and envision.  

Another part of my strategy is to continue writing and revealing those hidden parts of me -- bring 'em outta the dark and into the light, as they say.  #nomorehiding This truly fits with my intention to live with integrity and lead by example.

And now for a challenge.  We'll start small. You ready? We'll do it together.

Go look in the mirror.  Take a deep breath.  See yourSelf, not your story or your character, but YOU (a miraculous fucking human being).  Now LOVE the shite outta YOU!

What's not to love???  That hair is SUPER love-able! ;-)

So that concludes this episode of Confessions of a Sex Coach.  Here's an update on my status based on my commitments and strategy since the last one:

  • Writing 5 days a week-- it's more like 4 days/week (room to grow)
  • Create/Send pitches, articles, etc-- YES! and I like it!
  • Exercise 3+ days/week with a friend-- YES! and I LOVE it!
  • Saving $20/week-- not yet (Hey!  I'm not perfect)
  • Saturday is pleasure-day-- Pleasure, yes.  Sex, no. But we're making progress!
  • Sunday is set myself up for success-day-- Yes and there's room for improvement.
  • 100% aware of the old pattern-- I can't say I'm 100% aware, but I am taking actions I wasn't before.
  • On track for being in alignment with my vision by 12/31/15-- HELL YES!

 

Cheers for taking the ride with me, ya'll! 

And incase you missed the first video/blog. HERE IT IS.

XOXO, cd

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colette davenport

Colette Davenport helps healers, empaths, and creatives get their magic back. By ending their secret addictions and self-sabotage, clients gain the clarity, confidence, and direction to take their lives to a whole other dimension. Colette is an international coach and speaker, a published author, and the founder of Badass Empath Academy, the school for gifted people.

“Over the course of 25 years, I've had the honor of helping people heal themselves of chronic illness, reestablish intimacy in sexless marriages, turn struggling businesses into profit-generating ones, and leave the 'safe' job (or relationship) they loathed for a life they LOVED. This is my calling.” — Colette Davenport

Confessions of a Sex Coach (video 1)

What I'm about to reveal to you is one of my deepest, darkest secrets (kinda).  

Through my personal growth and development I've come to the conclusion that the number one reason that we as human beings struggle and stress is: WE ARE OUT OF INTEGRITY.  Is it really that simple?  Yep.  But it's not easy to stay in or return to integrity when ya don't know where the misalignment lies.

I have the fortune of being supported (and challenged) by a great coach AND inner circle of friends who honor my intention to expand my capacity as a human being and "never stop growing". AND I STILL GET OUTTA WHACK!  But when the light finally shines on where I'm out of integrity and I see how it impacts my life and the lives of the people I love, my only job is to re-align and restore it.  

My confessions are the first step in coming clean with myself and the world.  I am doing this to vocalize the misalignment and expose myself (because I am so not perfect!) and then share my process for re-aligning with what matters most.  I imagine I'm not the only one who harbors the kinds of secrets I am about to reveal...and if through this public display of personal growth someone else is inspired to grow, then I have honored one of my biggest values: service.

Since I'm inviting others to trust me and my coaching process... promising to amplify passion, pleasure, and play in the {love} lives of women everywhere... I damn sure better be a living example of what that looks like.  The following represents my commitment to that...and to calling myself out when I'm not. 

Click on photo to watch the video

Now that you've watched the video.  I'm going to outline my process for manifesting the vision.  

Step 1: TUNE IN 

Here's WHAT'S SO (or the issue as I see it).  My life in reality looks nothing like the one in my imagination/vision.  Check it out...

  • I suck at being consistent -- with exercise, clean eating, paying down debt, writing, etc.  
  • I've never actually had a bonafied business before and I'm not sure I can hack it as an entrepreneur.
  • Inner conflict #1: I want help/support with the day-to-day and I feel like I have to do it all myself. 
  • Inner conflict #2: I want to speak/present to large audiences and I'm scared shitless to be seen. 
  • I haven't had sex in months. (how's that for a confession?)  

In my vision, however, I aspire to be someone who is sexy, lean, and strong as a result of consistent healthy choices.  I can see myself debt free and able to build my dream home while contributing resources to others in need. I can also feel what it would be like to have a full practice and be known as a Big, Bold, Badass Entrepreneurial Goddess elevating other 3B.E.Gs like myself.  I imagine being supported by a rock-star team who schedules all my appointments, including the paid presentations/talks I confidently give on a regular basis.  Oh, and I have a sex life that is expansive, energizing, and honors all my desires to explore the intimate and sexual potential of my relationship and body.

As you can see there's a discrepancy between who I intend to be and who I'm ACTUALLY being, what I'm ACTUALLY doing, and what I ACTUALLY have as a result.

Tweet: INTEGRITY is the alignment between one's calling /commitments and their actions. INTEGRITY is the alignment between one's calling /commitments and their actions.

Since I'm called and committed to being the person in my vision, I will explore what is out of alignment. This is important to me for three reasons.

  1. I believe everyone deserves both a super successful professional life and an extremely satisfying personal life.
  2. I know that the kind of work I'm here to do requires me to be a leader, and leadership does not exist in mediocrity. 
  3. When I am living with integrity, manifesting my vision and being the person I am capable of being, I feel fucking AMAZING.

So the next thing to consider is, "What are the environments, patterns, and habits that contribute to the current misalignment?"

Step 2: TURN ON

Having painted a picture of what I intend my life to look like, my vision, now I'll look at the structures, or externals, in place that need to be revamped.

Tweet: Guiding Structure means the structure of your Environment is the largest determinant of your behavior. Guiding Structure means the structure of your Environment is the largest determinant of your behavior.

Q: If I am inconsistent with exercise and healthy food choices, what can I do to make those choices easier?  

A: Work out with a partner for a more interesting and inspiring environment. Shop regularly and pre-make heat-and-eat meals to have healthy choices in my environment.  Reward myself with something fun like a summer dress or an indulgent meal at Uchi once a month for remaining consistent (because pretty dresses and sushi make the environment a thousand times better).

Q: What do I need to create so that I can effortlessly contribute a percentage of my monthly revenue to debt (and then savings)?

A: A steel trap that would eat my hand off if I tried to withdraw dolla bills, yo! (kidding, no I'm not)  Clearly, I have not worked out the environment that supports my intention.  I could use your help here.  What are your tricks for putting a percentage of your income away? (comment below, please!)

Q: What gets in the way of my writing every week?

A: To-do's and social media and email, and ...  The truth is I am not honoring my sacred practice, which for me is writing.  Crazy thing is, I actually have a room in my home AND an office that are perfect environments for this...so... I am recommitting to writing.  (on that note, there are other practices that are sacred, meditation, yoga, and being in nature...and I haven't been honoring them either.  That ends NOW.)

Q: What about my intimate relationship am I tolerating?

A: Oh, man. This is the sensitive stuff.  I feel like it's the BIG ONE, though.  I suspect this is the bulls eye.  This is the most dis-jointed aspect of my life that impacts all the others. The lack of my FULL self-expression in this area is what makes me feel like a fraud.  I'm a sex coach for fuck's sake!

Ok.  Here goes.  I'm tolerating the excuses of lack of time and energy and confidence and focus and finances and being in the mood and businesses to build and BULLSHIT like that. I'm tolerating an intimate relationship with a man where we are disconnected, dissatisfied and dis-eased.  I'm tolerating an unhealthy co-dependent relationship. Crap.  (big exhale)

I have to admit, confessing that feels really good.

So what is there to DO about it?  Well, I could leave.  End the relationship...trust me I've thought about it. A lot. Or I could recommit to creating a thriving intimate AND SEXUAL relationship with my guy. I know option B takes work.  I know I have to be willing to release resentment.  I know I have to SEE HIM differently.  I know I have to grow to achieve that goal. I know I have to communicate this in a way that engages him (rather than demeans or degrades him). I know I am capable of all of this and that it's what I really truly want.  

Ya know what else I know?  THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT PEOPLE COME TO ME FOR HELP WITH. 

Huh.  Coincidence?  Doubtful.

I can see the absolute relevance of what I'm experiencing and how going through it will only deepen my empathy and strengthen my ability to serve others through the manifestation of the vision.

Kinda cool if you look at it that way.

Now for the internals.  What thoughts or beliefs are holding me back from manifesting my vision?

Here's where I look at the inner conflicts for clues.  What does the thought, "I have to do it all myself" keep me from?  What is it about being seen that I'm afraid of?  What do I think I'll have to sacrifice to be a successful entrepreneur?  What do I believe that causes me to tolerate a sub-satisfactory love & sex life?

The answers are probably obvious to you...but this is where I encounter my blind spots. This is where getting coaching is so freaking powerful. (note to self: get coaching on this in the next session)

Good news!  My coaching session was super productive and revealed this: I resist being RESPONSIBLE.  

Being a leader, being successful, being an employer, being on stage or in the public eye, being the woman in my vision (who is fully self-expressed sexually, among other things) requires a higher level of responsibility than I have ever taken for my life.  That shit is scary!

To actually live in alignment with my vision, to be 100% in integrity I must be willing to be FULLY RESPONSIBLE for all that comes with it.  All of it.  

Now I see why I wasn't stepping effortlessly into the (badass Brian Atwood) shoes of the woman in my vision.

Part of my strategy, then, includes noticing when the fear of responsibility stops me from taking action.  Checking that old hag of a pattern when she shows up to drag me down will be an ongoing practice fo sho!

Step 3: ACTIVATE

Time to talk strategy.  The "type A" folks out there will love this stuff.  This is the HOW I get from where I'm at to where I want to be (remember that sexy, sophisticated, and successful woman in my vision?).

What better way to appease your organizational brain then to articulate my strategy with an infographic!

 

Step 4: MANIFEST

This is the final step in the process of transformation. I do, however, have to point out that it's not a hard-line finish.  One's personal development is not a fast food, impulse buy, "set it and forget it" thing. What I mean by that is once a goal is reached or a vision manifest, one of two things happen.  

One: A new vision/goal is created, enhancing the current one, and the process begins again.

Two: The need for maintenance and ongoing check-ins with the process have the manifested vision remain intact.

Since I've set the timer to ding in 6 months, I will ask the specific question, "Does my life reflect my vision?" And along the way, let's say every 10 days or so, I will check in to see if I am in integrity.  That is, "Are my actions in alignment with my commitments/calling?"

What it boils down to is: I am doing my AMPLOVEFY Custom Coaching Program, and leveraging the sessions I have with with my coach, Alicia Marie.  What you can expect from me are video "confessions" on the 10th, 20th and 30th of every month and accompanying blog updates (like this one) with a break down of my strategies and such.

Let me just be totally transparent.  I don't know how this will turn out and I am committed to doing it anyway.  I believe so strongly in the coaching process and my programs that I am willing to put myself on public display.  

This work matters to me so much and I want to manifest the vision so freaking bad that I am willing to stand "naked" in front of everyone and reveal my deepest darkest secrets in order to bring light to the areas that keep me from being the Big, Bold, Badass version of myself.

I do this not because I'm an exhibitionist (ok, maybe I do like being in front of the camera) but because I believe there are other women out there, like me, who will benefit from this in some positive way.  

When I got hip to my purpose and potential, I made it my profession to amplify passion, pleasure, and play in the {love} lives of women everywhere... and now I intend to lead by example.  Simple as that.

Stay tuned for more...

 

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colette davenport

Colette Davenport helps healers, empaths, and creatives get their magic back. By ending their secret addictions and self-sabotage, clients gain the clarity, confidence, and direction to take their lives to a whole other dimension. Colette is an international coach and speaker, a published author, and the founder of Badass Empath Academy, the school for gifted people.

“Over the course of 25 years, I've had the honor of helping people heal themselves of chronic illness, reestablish intimacy in sexless marriages, turn struggling businesses into profit-generating ones, and leave the 'safe' job (or relationship) they loathed for a life they LOVED. This is my calling.” — Colette Davenport

My Vision

I envision a world where a DEEP UNDERSTANDING of our human nature allows us to open up to ourselves and others with EASE.  We connect to the GREAT LOVE that encourages us to tune into our masculine and feminine energies, LETTING GO at once of judgement and expectation, and we AUTHENTICALLY APPRECIATE the strength, beauty, sensuality, creativity, and INSANE FUCKING HARMONY of our breath, body, mind, and spirit.
Comment

colette davenport

Colette Davenport helps healers, empaths, and creatives get their magic back. By ending their secret addictions and self-sabotage, clients gain the clarity, confidence, and direction to take their lives to a whole other dimension. Colette is an international coach and speaker, a published author, and the founder of Badass Empath Academy, the school for gifted people.

“Over the course of 25 years, I've had the honor of helping people heal themselves of chronic illness, reestablish intimacy in sexless marriages, turn struggling businesses into profit-generating ones, and leave the 'safe' job (or relationship) they loathed for a life they LOVED. This is my calling.” — Colette Davenport