I'm just gonna cut to the chase with this one. I've been hiding from YOU because there's still stuff about ME that I don't love.
Making the videos has already helped me be more authentic. Check out the ORIGINAL video 2 to see what I mean. Writing about this stuff would be helpful to a degree, but when I see myself I can tell when I'm holding something back.
Since the whole point of this journey is to get completely aligned with my commitments and my calling (aka be 100% in integrity), it's going to require me to be BOLD.
So let's talk about HIDING. Several years back I was in a Landmark course, I forget which one, and we did an exercise where half the participants got up and formed a line, shoulder to shoulder. The remaining half formed another line just like the first so that we were all facing someone. There was only 12 inches between our faces.
To say that we were in each other's personal space is an understatement.
For this exercise we were to be still and silent. We were to look into the eyes of the person (stranger) across from us, and to just observe them. How do you think it went?
We were reluctant, shifty, uncomfortable, laughing, trying to keep a straight face, not making eye contact...For the most part, we all had trouble 'being' with each other.
The course leader went on to say the exercise was to demonstrate how afraid we all are of being seen. He suggested we all "just do what ya want" and "be who you are" because...
This has stuck with me ever since. Revisiting this is helping me now to come out of hiding.
I think it will be useful to dissect WHY we hide and are walking around afraid of being seen. And since these are my confessions, I'll use myself as the example.
Through out my life I have hidden what I don't love about myself. At one point it was my small breasts. At another stage it was (really, what I THOUGHT were) my not-so-small thighs. For a long time it was the fact that I worked as a call girl in my early 20's. And for an even longer time I hid my general discontent (that would often progress to depression). Lately I've been hiding my face, well actually my neck -- which according to the chakra system, corresponds to communication and self-expression.
Hmmm... I haven't been fully expressing myself and now I have a growth drawing attention to that area? Interesting how this is all inter-woven, huh?
This kind of universal alignment is what my badass bestie, Allison, and I call WATERBOTTLES! (ask me about this, it's a pretty cool story)
So what's up with all the lack of self-love?
I know for sure I'm not alone with this issue. In fact, my intuition tells me it's an issue that crosses cultural, generational, racial, socio-economical, gender, and every other identifier we use to label ourselves. In other words, it's an issue we face as HUMANS.
We humans struggle with self-love and at the same time we are hungrily seeking love from and generously giving love to others. Oh, and let's not forget we're afraid of being fully seen and are uncomfortable looking strangers in the eye or acknowledge their humanity.
Why? Why don't we LOVE ourselves and all others equally? Why isn't this way of being our default setting?
My guess is it's because we are not SEEING ourselves and others as HUMAN BEINGS.
Instead we're seeing 'characters' and 'stories' and 'labels' and 'differences'.
For example, instead of seeing myself all along as a (fucking miraculous) human being, I was seeing a flat-chested girl or a flabby-thighed girl or a call girl or a woman with a tumor... AND I was making myself 'bad', 'wrong', and 'unworthy' of my my own love because of all those (human experience) things.
This is what we do. We do it with ourselves and with others. I wonder what the world would be like if we all just saw ourselves as human beings having human experiences and granted ourselves unconditional LOVE ... no matter what.
That's what Imma do starting right about... NOW.
I suspect the more I love; the less I'll fear. Without fear (or being afraid) I bet I'll be more willing to be seen. Watch me show my face, and speak my truth, and live my purpose, and fulfill my mission. I'm starting to get that this is the kind of responsibility it takes to live in my vision.
What is my strategy for letting love rule? (<------ be sure to click that link!) The first thing that shows up for me is: "get it tattooed on ya!" That way I'll always be reminded that love, specifically self-love, is fundamental for living the life I intend and envision.
Another part of my strategy is to continue writing and revealing those hidden parts of me -- bring 'em outta the dark and into the light, as they say. #nomorehiding This truly fits with my intention to live with integrity and lead by example.
And now for a challenge. We'll start small. You ready? We'll do it together.
Go look in the mirror. Take a deep breath. See yourSelf, not your story or your character, but YOU (a miraculous fucking human being). Now LOVE the shite outta YOU!
So that concludes this episode of Confessions of a Sex Coach. Here's an update on my status based on my commitments and strategy since the last one:
- Writing 5 days a week-- it's more like 4 days/week (room to grow)
- Create/Send pitches, articles, etc-- YES! and I like it!
- Exercise 3+ days/week with a friend-- YES! and I LOVE it!
- Saving $20/week-- not yet (Hey! I'm not perfect)
- Saturday is pleasure-day-- Pleasure, yes. Sex, no. But we're making progress!
- Sunday is set myself up for success-day-- Yes and there's room for improvement.
- 100% aware of the old pattern-- I can't say I'm 100% aware, but I am taking actions I wasn't before.
- On track for being in alignment with my vision by 12/31/15-- HELL YES!
Cheers for taking the ride with me, ya'll!
And incase you missed the first video/blog. HERE IT IS.