Confession: I missed a confession. I've been deep in a personal struggle and have been reluctant to reveal any of it until now. My hope was that I could "figure it out" and save myself and my partner from the pain of a break up.
But the truth is this on-going attempt to solve the problem is hijacking my most precious and valuable resource. My energy.
I realized yesterday that I've been confusing fear and attachment for love and commitment. While there is a vast amount of love present, there's more fear and attachment. I've also been trying to prevent Matt from feeling pain and shutting down. But he's already feeling this and has been closed off from me for some time. Plus, his experiences are not mine to bare, fix, or heal.
I recognize now that REAL LOVE is expansive and inclusive, not limited or confining. Real love does not attach or possess anyone or anything. I have been attached to the IDEA of a real love relationship with Matt, not actually in one.
I've been holding on and hoping for the kind of love and intimacy that come from two people seeing the infinite possibilities in one another and all of humanity. This simply is not where we are and my spirit cannot tolerate the mediocrity of this union any longer.
I have been avoiding speaking my truth and standing up for what I believe and want for my life. My coping strategy is to 'numb out' with food and television and to isolate myself so as to avoid the pain of a break up. I haven't trusted myself to handle the hurt. I haven't believed in my ability to be self-sufficient. I haven't honored my greatest gift of generative sexual energy. I've kept myself small and dependent and quiet and subdued.
I've been manipulating the circumstances to insulate myself from the gut-wrenching pain of facing the world ON MY OWN and to keep my soul from total exposure.
There's something deeply satisfying about knowing I can be a complete weirdo and Matt would be there by my side through it all. In fact, he has been. I've been in a mild to moderate depression for a few years with moments of severity. Matt has ALWAYS been by my side. He is relentlessly loyal and selfless in so many ways. I am and will forever be grateful to him for partnering with me on this journey.
I'm not easy to be with. I have cosmic views of life and relationship. My values and beliefs can be uncommon and unpopular even. I want to be free and love openly. I want to be treasured and at the same time allowed to roam, following my whim. I want 'my person' to be there no-matter-what AND I want to be independent.
My thoughts and actions have been erratic because my head and heart have been at odds.
It's time to retrieve my spirit, center myself, and set free the attachments I've had a fucking kung-fu grip on. Give me LIBERTY or give me...some nachos and netflix.
I owe it to myself and to Matt to honor to my highest purpose, my deepest truth.
I am who I am and Matt is who he is and we are not presently loving one another freely. Our love is conditional. It is confining. We are holding on to the idea of REAL LOVE existing between us and that attachment is holding us each back from our greatest lives.
I've tried subtly sacrificing myself, my ideals, my vision for who I want to be in the world. It's not a workable strategy for being happy. Freedom is my happiness. I am soooo ready for happiness to flood my life and fill my head and heart to the brim.
Freedom + Love = Happiness