Sex and intimacy are what differentiate a marriage from a friendship or other kind of partnership. If you're married and not cultivating this aspect of the relationship, you can expect it to break down eventually. I've seen this happen so many times with clients and I have personally experienced it my own relationship.Read More
I've been feeling exceptionally needy lately. (Did I really just admit that??) I can't get enough attention. To the point I've been completely distracted from my work. I haven't written or really created anything viable in weeks. How's that for a #truthbomb ??
I've been relying on what I'm going to call "fast-food dating" (aka Tinder & Bumble) to sate my hunger for attention. It's no wonder I'm not experiencing the kind of deep connection I desire.
I knew April was going to be a month of upheaval and distortion but I wasn't prepared for just how wacky it would be or how much I would cling to what felt good. In addition to the astrological impact (have you read about the Scorpio full moon?) I've also started working with a shaman and a holistic doctor to continue my personal healing.
Let me tell you, this shit is *DEEP*.
What I've learned so far is that it's easy to ignore old wounds and seek validation and new "love" from others. It's not as easy to direct my attention inward and be with the wounds so they can heal... or give love and validation to myself.
But I'm working on it daily.
It's been about four months since the conclusion of my 5-year relationship with Matt. If you've been following my blog for sometime, you know that the biggest challenge for me was I didn't feel SEEN.
My desire (actually, this is a human need) for intimacy, connection, and sexual self-expression was all but unmet in that relationship.
So when I started dating again, I was showing up like: "SEE ME...SEE ME...SEE ME!"
Turns out that is NOT the best way to go about dating.
Talk about being 'needy'... and I consider myself pretty damn self-sufficient. I don't need a man to take care of me financially or in most other ways but I am recognizing my need for intimacy. And I get that freaks people out. At least early on...in a fast-food dating environment.
For a long time I've had the fear that no one would be able to see PAST the physical situation I'm dealing with. So when someone did, I got excited and hopeful and ...a little clingy.
I thought, "Here's someone who's willing to see me... (excited)... and so I'm gonna show him all of me...(premature)...all at once. (foolish)"
I was oblivious to my overzealous need to be seen and validated that I completely overloaded the spark and short-circuited the connection.
My best girlfriend said it best when she said, "Colette, you're intense. And woo woo."
What there is to get here is the love, intimacy, and validation I seek I must find within and give myself.
I've made huge strides over the last eight years in overcoming issues with vanity, self-esteem, self-love, and self-expression - and it would seem there's more work to do.
So with regards to dating, for the time being, I'm just going to pin in it and circle back at a later date.
I'll use this opportunity to up-level the relationship I have with myself. I'll nurture and play with and love and explore what gives me pleasure - sans needing anyone else's validation, attention, or reciprocal participation.
I think this is an important part of being a healthy, happy human being. To be the source of our own self-worth and to unconditionally love ourselves - including our 'flaws' is a necessary foundation for being able to give and receive intimately with others.
I'm finding the relationship with Self requires as much (if not more) ongoing cultivation than the relationships we have with others.
If life truly is all about relationships, then having a super solid one with ourselves, ALL FIVE BODIES , is worth the investment.
Confession: I missed a confession. I've been deep in a personal struggle and have been reluctant to reveal any of it until now. My hope was that I could "figure it out" and save myself and my partner from the pain of a break up.
But the truth is this on-going attempt to solve the problem is hijacking my most precious and valuable resource. My energy.
I realized yesterday that I've been confusing fear and attachment for love and commitment. While there is a vast amount of love present, there's more fear and attachment. I've also been trying to prevent Matt from feeling pain and shutting down. But he's already feeling this and has been closed off from me for some time. Plus, his experiences are not mine to bare, fix, or heal.
I recognize now that REAL LOVE is expansive and inclusive, not limited or confining. Real love does not attach or possess anyone or anything. I have been attached to the IDEA of a real love relationship with Matt, not actually in one.
I've been holding on and hoping for the kind of love and intimacy that come from two people seeing the infinite possibilities in one another and all of humanity. This simply is not where we are and my spirit cannot tolerate the mediocrity of this union any longer.
I have been avoiding speaking my truth and standing up for what I believe and want for my life. My coping strategy is to 'numb out' with food and television and to isolate myself so as to avoid the pain of a break up. I haven't trusted myself to handle the hurt. I haven't believed in my ability to be self-sufficient. I haven't honored my greatest gift of generative sexual energy. I've kept myself small and dependent and quiet and subdued.
I've been manipulating the circumstances to insulate myself from the gut-wrenching pain of facing the world ON MY OWN and to keep my soul from total exposure.
There's something deeply satisfying about knowing I can be a complete weirdo and Matt would be there by my side through it all. In fact, he has been. I've been in a mild to moderate depression for a few years with moments of severity. Matt has ALWAYS been by my side. He is relentlessly loyal and selfless in so many ways. I am and will forever be grateful to him for partnering with me on this journey.
I'm not easy to be with. I have cosmic views of life and relationship. My values and beliefs can be uncommon and unpopular even. I want to be free and love openly. I want to be treasured and at the same time allowed to roam, following my whim. I want 'my person' to be there no-matter-what AND I want to be independent.
My thoughts and actions have been erratic because my head and heart have been at odds.
It's time to retrieve my spirit, center myself, and set free the attachments I've had a fucking kung-fu grip on. Give me LIBERTY or give me...some nachos and netflix.
I owe it to myself and to Matt to honor to my highest purpose, my deepest truth.
I am who I am and Matt is who he is and we are not presently loving one another freely. Our love is conditional. It is confining. We are holding on to the idea of REAL LOVE existing between us and that attachment is holding us each back from our greatest lives.
I've tried subtly sacrificing myself, my ideals, my vision for who I want to be in the world. It's not a workable strategy for being happy. Freedom is my happiness. I am soooo ready for happiness to flood my life and fill my head and heart to the brim.
Freedom + Love = Happiness